Give us a joke... go on it might be funny :)

Gramaisc

Forum O. G.
My favourite "mishearings" -

Who played Tommy DeVito in Goodfellas? ----- Joe Pasquale...

Who was the lead singer with the Commodores? ---- Jimmy Somerville....


Both of those would be worth seeing.


In what country was Christian Bale born? - Well, I would have got that right, because I remember Tottenham selling him to somewhere in Spain and he definitely played for Wales.

Other people, who knew that he had also played in some Batman film, decided that he obviously wasn't Welsh...
 

BobClay

Well-Known Forumite
You might knock the 21st Century telecommunications revolution (like … there's anything new about revolutions in telecommunications... :eek: ) .. but you can't deny it has its uses ….. :P

The Dogs.jpg
 

BobClay

Well-Known Forumite
Bloody aliens coming down here and writing graffiti on things …. why don't they get back up their own end of the spiral arm … :o

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Mikinton

Well-Known Forumite
Must be a day for Stalin / Russia jokes on Twitter ....

Stalin's girlfriend calls him up one evening, asking him to come round.
"I can't," he replies, "I am too busy sending people to the gulag."
"But," she says, "my parents aren't home."
"Yeah, I know," he replies.


And this is even better.


ETA .... which reminds me of this joke ....

A man returns home after several years away fighting in Europe, and he's going through his wardrobe trying on his old clothes to see if they still fit. On trying on one pair of trousers, he finds a ticket in the pocket for a pair of shoes he'd taken to the shoe-repairers just before going off to war. So next time he passes, he calls in to collect the shoes.
Anyway, the shoe-repairer takes a look at the ticket, turns it over a few times to make sure it's one of his and heads off into the back room, returning a few minutes later with the guy's shoes. "Yup" he says "..... they'll be ready Thursday."
 
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BobClay

Well-Known Forumite
I'll be the first to admit ... this is bad .... :yay:

There was a man who loved tractors so much, literally, he was obsessed with them. This guy dreamed and lived for them !!
Then one day he fell off his tractor and broke his leg. After that he never went on a tractor again.
A few years later he came home from the pub with a couple of friends only to find his house was filled with smoke. He took in a massive breath and then blew all the smoke out of his house. One of his mates asked him how he could possibly do that and he replied: "I'm an ex tractor fan."

(I'll get my coat.) :heyhey:
 

Glam

Mad Cat Woman
I don't know if this can be classed as a joke, I laughed......

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Sweary me plus 3 and the big one
A week or so ago him indoors woke up with some sort of growth on his stomach

It looked a bit iffy so because I'm medically trained by the good doctor holby city... and chicago med I suggested some savlon cream and also suggested that he could probably do with a wax because when he's stood in front of me butt naked with steam coming off him fresh out the shower he resembled gorillas in the mist

The next morning I get up, in instalments, because the bastard isn't where he should be and this farking rheumatoid arthritis is a wanker first thing in the morning

I drag myself down stairs and there he is

Pacing all sweaty and sickly looking around the kitchen

Me: loves up with you?

Him: *holds up stomach* I'm in farking agony, been walking around all night. Have a look at this will ya

Him: thrusts stomach at me

Me: oh

Him: WHAT?? WHAT THE feck IS IT

Me: I don't think the savlon worked

Him:

Me: I'll ring the doctors when they open

Trying to get a doctor's appointment during a farking pandemic is like trying to get shit out of a rocking horse

Receptionist: is it an actual emergency?

Me: well yes actually! There's a lump the size of a farking melon sticking out of his stomach with a massive red ring around it

Them: what kind of melon?

Me: farking hell, a cantaloupe

Him indoors: OH MY farking GOD

me: can you hang on a sec please, 2 secs, What you yelling for??

Him: what's a farking cantaloupe? Am I going to die?

Me: feck, no, I don't know, you will if you dont piss off, yes sorry I'm still here, 9.35? Perfect thank you

I'm thinking at best it'll be anti biotics and a week of him laid on the sofa like some sort of Lord, I'd say surrounded by food crumbs and wrappers but my town are full of farking cretins that have bought everything so he'll lay there and starve

The doctor takes one look at this growth and decides he must immediately go to the surgical assessment unit, it's 30cm round.

Me: yes!! I know it was a cantaloupe and not a honey dew, honey dews are longer like rugby balls, these are rounder and more compact

Doc:

Me: ooops sorry, carry on, don't mind me

Also me: makes a mental note to revert back to being socially distant instead of awkward

We get him over to the hospital, it's not a quick process so I leave him to go and relieve Gillian of the kids at about 5.

He messages me at 6 to say he's going down to surgery as it's an infected abcess and needs to be drained.

He's kept in that night and I go over to collect him from recovery the next morning.

That isn't a short process either!!! Can't get you on then can't get you out!!

He needs a piss

They need a sample so he has to piss in a cardboard bottle

I pull the curtains round and pull his pants round his ankles and he's stood their starkers

I get on my knees trying to fit his poor shrivelled old chap, lazy from the anaesthetic in to this farking bottle

I'm slapping it a bit

He Taps me on the shoulder

I look up

He's pointing at the window

Me: what?

Him: man!!

I turn around and there's a man at the window in a hard hat

We're on the 5th floor

What is he farking Spider-Man??

I wave, he waves and Spider-Man waves back so i get up and close the blinds

Him indoors is bollock naked with his cock in a cardboard tube.

The nurse comes over and says she needs to change his dressing

I'm there, all holbycity like watching

She pulls the big sticky pad off

And with it comes yards and yards of farking packing blood and green stuff

I can feel the colour draining from my face

I take a step back

The next Thing I know is I've woken up on the floor entangled in a cubicle curtain with a massive lump on my head

Maybe the medical profession isn't for me after all, but in my defence no one mentioned gaping holes you could fit your head it. I thought it would be stitched and pretty

We're finally able to leave and the nurse instructs me to buy anti bacterial hand soap and hand sanitiser in case I need to clean it.

I deposit him home into Gillians care and head off to the chemist, then to home bargains, the range, Morrisons, asda b and m and farking Tesco in the hunt for hand gel, it would have been better if she asked me to buy tartan paint. These young men have stripped the shelves bare and all I could get was glittery unicorn hand wash, that will keep mrsa away I'm sure.

I'm farking here there and everywhere, making soup making farking sandwiches fluffing up pillows, wafting quilts, feeding the kids and the farking cat, it's farking chaos and I realise I haven't given him his anti biotic.

feck

Here take this

I go into the kitchen take all my pills including the sleeping pills I take

I was gone not 3 minutes

I've come back in and he's slumped over the unit

loves up with you??

Him: points to throat

Me: ummm give me another clue

Him: points faster as his whole body goes red and blotchy

feck!!

I pick up the phone and call Gillian, you got any antihistamine? Yeah ok I'll be over, yeah I think his tongues swelling up

I'm at Gillians in 2 seconds

Her: you coming in for a cuppa?

Me: no mother has over there with his tongue swelling up

Her: oh!! I'll come over

Her: feck me char you better ring someone has gone a funny colour

We're both looking at him and scratching our heads, my pills are kicking in and I'm desperate for a shit

I phone an ambulance and they come do their obs and whisk him off alone

Gillian can't drive and I'm out my head on amitriptyline

We snigger a bit trying to figure out who's fault it is

So the next day I go over to retrieve him, has on a different ward after being diagnosed with a penicillin allergy

One that has an overwhelming stench of shit and someone screaming at the top of their lungs " I'm ill I'm ill. Get out get out. On a loop for the whole 6 hours I was there. Like something from one flew over the cuckoo's nest

We decided to stretch his legs

We walk back to the ward

There's a man with clear mental health issues being restrained by a lovely health care assistant a nurse and the security man

Just as we walk past he breaks free and launches a cleaning sign at my head

Bastard

It missed me by a gnats dick

We finally get home again

I'm ran ragged

I'm farking knackered

I literally haven't stopped

I've cooked four different meals

I've tidied up

I've just sat my arse on the sofa to eat my chilli for the first time in 3 days

The cat wakes up with the farking hump and bites the toddler

I shoo it away with sounds which doesn't work

I don't have anything to hand to throw at it so I shoo it with my foot, pretend kicking

I kicked a little harder

My slipper came off

Flew up in the air and landed on my farking dinner

Look at those splat marks

farking wankers

Now they've shut the school tomorrow due to lack of staff

I'm going to self isolate in the car until Christmas
 

BobClay

Well-Known Forumite
After reading that I feel much better, my problems seem miniscule compared to that.

I laughed. (Wait a minute, what's that bright flash on the western horizon ? ... OH SHIT !!!)

:buddy:

(Fortunately it was just a queer sunset ... but for a minute there I was thinking: "I'm gonna need a bigger toilet roll.")

Nuke.jpg
 

Mikinton

Well-Known Forumite
Q: What does Batman’s Mum say when his dinner’s ready?

A: "Bruce, I promise your soup hasn’t got any bats in it."
 

Carole

Well-Known Forumite
Heard a Dr. on TV saying in this time of Coronavirus staying at home we should focus on inner peace. To achieve this we should always finish things we start and we all could use more calm in our lives. I looked through my house to find things i'd started and hadn't finished, so I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, tha mainder of Valiumun srciptuns, an a box a chocletz. Yu haf no idr how freakin fablus I feel rite now. Sned this to all who need inner piss. An telum u luvum. And two hash yer wands, stafe day avrybobby!!! ❣️
 

Thehooperman

Well-Known Forumite
Heard a Dr. on TV saying in this time of Coronavirus staying at home we should focus on inner peace. To achieve this we should always finish things we start and we all could use more calm in our lives. I looked through my house to find things i'd started and hadn't finished, so I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, tha mainder of Valiumun srciptuns, an a box a chocletz. Yu haf no idr how freakin fablus I feel rite now. Sned this to all who need inner piss. An telum u luvum. And two hash yer wands, stafe day avrybobby!!! ❣️

@Carole, why is this so surprisingly similar to your late night posts? :)
 

Glam

Mad Cat Woman
Two prawns were swimming around in the sea.
One called Justin and the other called Kristian.
The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area.
Finally one day Justin said to Kristian, 'I'm fed up with being a prawn;
I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten.'
A large mysterious cod appeared and said, 'Your wish is granted'
Lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark.
Horrified, Kristian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.
Time passed (as it does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely
All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them.
Justin didn't realise that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.
While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn..
He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn.
With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam to Kristian's home.
As he opened the coral gate, memories came flooding back.
He banged on the door and shouted, 'It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again.'
Kristian replied, 'No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy, and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner.'
Justin cried back 'No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed.'........
'I've found Cod. I'm a Prawn again Kristian!!
 
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