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Give us a joke... go on it might be funny :)
- Thread starter BBC
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BBC
You knows it
A typical English 40 something, having split from his latest girlfriend, decided to take a vacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.
He found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.
After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore. In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"
She replies, "I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed here when my cruise ship sank."
"Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you."
"Oh, this thing?" explains the woman. "I made the boat out of raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."
"But, where did you get the tools?"
"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware."
The guy is stunned.
"Let's row over to my place," she says.
After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.
While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck.
As they walks into the house, she says casually, "It's not much but I call it home. Sit down, please. Would you like a drink?"
"No! No thank you," he blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take another drop of coconut juice."
"It's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a still. How would you like a Pina Colada?"
Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable.
Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the bathroom cabinet."
No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.
"This woman is amazing," he muses. "What next?"
When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines, strategically positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her. "Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've been out here for many months. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for?" She stares into his eyes.
He can't believe what he's hearing. "You mean . . " he swallows excitedly and tears start to form in his eyes…
"Don't tell me you've got Sky Sports"
He found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.
After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore. In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"
She replies, "I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed here when my cruise ship sank."
"Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you."
"Oh, this thing?" explains the woman. "I made the boat out of raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."
"But, where did you get the tools?"
"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware."
The guy is stunned.
"Let's row over to my place," she says.
After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.
While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck.
As they walks into the house, she says casually, "It's not much but I call it home. Sit down, please. Would you like a drink?"
"No! No thank you," he blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take another drop of coconut juice."
"It's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a still. How would you like a Pina Colada?"
Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable.
Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the bathroom cabinet."
No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.
"This woman is amazing," he muses. "What next?"
When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines, strategically positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her. "Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've been out here for many months. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for?" She stares into his eyes.
He can't believe what he's hearing. "You mean . . " he swallows excitedly and tears start to form in his eyes…
"Don't tell me you've got Sky Sports"
Two 90 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their
>lives.
> > When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day. One day
>Mike
> > says, "Joe, we both loved football all our lives, and we played minor
> > league football together for so many years. Please do me one favour,
>when
> > you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's football
> > there."
> > Joe looks up at Mike from his death bed," Mike, you've been my best
>friend
> > for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favour for you.
> > Shortly after that, Joe passes on.
> > At midnight a couple of nights later, Mike is awakened from a sound
>sleep
> > by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him,"
> > Mike--Mike."
> > "Who is it?, asks Mike sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"
> > "Mike--it's me, Joe."
> > "You're not Joe. Joe just died."
> > "I'm telling you, it's me, Joe," insists the voice."
> > "Joe! Where are you?"
> > "In heaven", replies Joe. "I have some really good news and a little
>bad
> > news."
> > "Tell me the good news first," says Mike.
> > "The good news," Joe says," is that there's football in heaven. Better
> > yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too. Better
>than
> > that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always spring time and
>it
> > never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play football all we
>want,
> > and we never get tired."
> > "That's fantastic," says Mike. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So
>what's
> > the bad news?
> > "You're playing Tuesday."
>lives.
> > When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day. One day
>Mike
> > says, "Joe, we both loved football all our lives, and we played minor
> > league football together for so many years. Please do me one favour,
>when
> > you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's football
> > there."
> > Joe looks up at Mike from his death bed," Mike, you've been my best
>friend
> > for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favour for you.
> > Shortly after that, Joe passes on.
> > At midnight a couple of nights later, Mike is awakened from a sound
>sleep
> > by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him,"
> > Mike--Mike."
> > "Who is it?, asks Mike sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"
> > "Mike--it's me, Joe."
> > "You're not Joe. Joe just died."
> > "I'm telling you, it's me, Joe," insists the voice."
> > "Joe! Where are you?"
> > "In heaven", replies Joe. "I have some really good news and a little
>bad
> > news."
> > "Tell me the good news first," says Mike.
> > "The good news," Joe says," is that there's football in heaven. Better
> > yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too. Better
>than
> > that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always spring time and
>it
> > never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play football all we
>want,
> > and we never get tired."
> > "That's fantastic," says Mike. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So
>what's
> > the bad news?
> > "You're playing Tuesday."
Only in America
A man from Charlotte, North Carolina, having purchased a case of very expensive cigars, insured them against, among other things, fire. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile, the man filed a claim against the insurance company, stating that the cigars were lost 'in a series of small fires'.
The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion. The man sued – and won.
In delivering the ruling the judge, agreeing that the claim was frivolous, stated nevertheless that the man held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure against fire, without defining what it considered to be 'unacceptable fire', and was obliged to pay the claim. Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid the man $15,000 for the rare cigars he had lost 'in the fires'.
After he cashed the cheque, however, the company had him arrested on 24 counts of arson. With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the man was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.
A man from Charlotte, North Carolina, having purchased a case of very expensive cigars, insured them against, among other things, fire. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile, the man filed a claim against the insurance company, stating that the cigars were lost 'in a series of small fires'.
The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion. The man sued – and won.
In delivering the ruling the judge, agreeing that the claim was frivolous, stated nevertheless that the man held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure against fire, without defining what it considered to be 'unacceptable fire', and was obliged to pay the claim. Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid the man $15,000 for the rare cigars he had lost 'in the fires'.
After he cashed the cheque, however, the company had him arrested on 24 counts of arson. With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the man was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.
Side effects of alcohol, and cures
* Symptom: Cold and humid feet.
Cause: Glass is being held at incorrect angle (You are pouring the drink on your feet)
Remedy : Manoeuvre glass until open end is facing upward
* Symptom: The wall facing you is full of lights.
Cause: You're lying on the floor.
Remedy: Position your body at a 90-degree angle to the floor.
* Symptom: The floor looks blurry.
Cause: You're looking through an empty glass.
Remedy: Quickly refill with your favorite beverage.
* Symptom: The floor is moving.
Cause: You're being dragged away.
Remedy: At least ask where they're taking you.
* Symptom: You hear echoes every time someone speaks.
Cause: You have your glass on your ear.
Remedy: Stop making a fool of yourself!
* Symptom: The room is shaking a lot, everyone is dressed in white and the music is very repetitive.
Cause: You're in an ambulance.
Remedy: Don't move. Let the professionals do their job.
* Symptom: Your dad and all your brothers are looking at you funny.
Cause: You're in the wrong house.
Remedy: Ask if they can point you to your house
Therefore, always be careful. Drink responsibly. Be happy but don't humiliate or hurt yourself or others.
* Symptom: Cold and humid feet.
Cause: Glass is being held at incorrect angle (You are pouring the drink on your feet)
Remedy : Manoeuvre glass until open end is facing upward
* Symptom: The wall facing you is full of lights.
Cause: You're lying on the floor.
Remedy: Position your body at a 90-degree angle to the floor.
* Symptom: The floor looks blurry.
Cause: You're looking through an empty glass.
Remedy: Quickly refill with your favorite beverage.
* Symptom: The floor is moving.
Cause: You're being dragged away.
Remedy: At least ask where they're taking you.
* Symptom: You hear echoes every time someone speaks.
Cause: You have your glass on your ear.
Remedy: Stop making a fool of yourself!
* Symptom: The room is shaking a lot, everyone is dressed in white and the music is very repetitive.
Cause: You're in an ambulance.
Remedy: Don't move. Let the professionals do their job.
* Symptom: Your dad and all your brothers are looking at you funny.
Cause: You're in the wrong house.
Remedy: Ask if they can point you to your house
Therefore, always be careful. Drink responsibly. Be happy but don't humiliate or hurt yourself or others.
Andreas Rex
Banned for smiling
We went to see Omid Djalili at the Gatehouse last night, and he was well bloody funny! I can't remember most of his jokes, but the one that stuck in my mind was the following.
My mate came out of the closet recently but wasn't sure 'what to do', so i sent him on a homosexual training course. He's now rimming with confidence.
Much better when told live.
My mate came out of the closet recently but wasn't sure 'what to do', so i sent him on a homosexual training course. He's now rimming with confidence.
Much better when told live.rich upsetter
Cuffy is the new skill
g'dammit i love this guy! wish someone had posted in the out n about post about this un. i would have gone. i literally never know what gwan at the gatehouse, and i know ive missed loadsa good shizz. 
If you check out the LINKS, the Gatehouse has the listings for all events in 2007.rich upsetter said:g'dammit i love this guy! wish someone had posted in the out n about post about this un. i would have gone. i literally never know what gwan at the gatehouse, and i know ive missed loadsa good shizz.
I'm going to see Paddy the Clown on Thursday.
rich upsetter
Cuffy is the new skill
What do u call a dog with no hind legs an iron balls?
sparky
sparky
FooFighter
Well-Known Forumite
Letters to the editor
Could the Home Secretary explain to me how biometric checks on iris Patterns and fingerprints are going to help keep tabs on Muslim cleric Abu Hamsa.
Les Barnsley
--------------
The government tells us that we are eating too many pies and dying of heart disease, then in the next breath they're telling us we are living too long and there'll be no more pension money left for us. I wish they'd make their bloody minds up.
John
---------------
' Alton Towers - Where the magic never ends', or so the commercial says.
Imagine my disappointment when it closed at 7.30.
Colum Hill
---------------
I am married to a Taiwanese lady, and people often ask me if she was a mail-order bride. I find this very insensitive. The Royal Mail lose around
2 million letters and parcels each year, and to suggest that I would trust the delivery of my wife to them is insulting in the extreme. She was sent by DHL next day delivery.
L Palmer, London
-----------------
The record companies would have us believe that the money made by CD Pirates goes to fund the drug industry. But the money rock stars make from legal record sales ends up in exactly the same place. When they stop breaking the law, so will I.
P Boddington, Ringway
--------------------
Peter Andre might look smug in all his wedding pictures, but I'd just like to remind him that, as a Playboy reader, I have seen his wife's m*nge.
He
hasn't seen my wife's, so who's had the last laugh?
P, Leeds
---------------------
It really annoys me to see these suicide bombers blowing up people as well as themselves. In my day, suicide was done in a more dignified way, such as slicing your wrists in the bath, or hanging yourself from a door with a belt.
Paul Mulraney, Belfast
------------------------
My friend's mum recently pointed out that I have the same ironing board cover as her. Can anyone think of a more mundane and pointless remark to make than this?
Alun Daniel
------------------------
I'LL never understand my neighbour. He has recently started wheel-clamping his own caravan when he finds he has inadvertently parked it in his own drive! I wonder if he is a sadist, a masochist or both.
Alan Thakray
--------------------------
Did anyone else feel that Mel Gibson's remake of the classic Life of Brian wasn't anywhere near as funny as the original?
Anon
----------------------------
On the BBC website, I read with interest that some scientists in Australia have discovered the smallest fish known to exist. They've obviously never been to the Britannia Chippy on the Gloucester Road .
Alan J., London
---------------------
Hats off to the American police. They arrive at Michael Jackson's Neverland ranch to arrest him a mere six months after he admits climbing into bed with young boys on worldwide TV. Perhaps they should get some faster cars.
T Barnham, London
-----------------------
HOW come rap artist Dr. Dre can use the 'N' word on his multi-million selling albums and win a MOBO award, yet when I used it at my son's football match I was asked to leave the park? Once again, it's one law for the rich and another for the poor.
Reg Ashcroft, Bradford
--------------------------
The government says that there are nearly 50,000 people with HIV in Britain, a third of whom do not even know that they have it. Is it just me, or is it a bit harsh that the government know and haven't told the poor sods?
John Campbell, e-mail
------------------------
Never mind ventriloquists like Keith Harris and Roger DeCourcey. What about Professor Stephen Hawking? I saw him on telly blathering on about galaxies for hours and I never saw his lips move once. Genius.
Mike Woods, e-mail
------------------------
With reference to that series "Manhunt" where ex-Special Forces soldiers try to hunt down Andy McNab. Why don't the producers include a couple of Iraqis in the hunting team? They found the tw*t quickly enough the last time he played hide and seek with them.
Shuggie, Email
-------------------------
Hats off to the witty burglars who stole my entire CD collection with the exception of "There is Nothing Left to Lose" by the Foo Fighters. I hope that when sentencing, the judge takes into account their splendid sense of humour.
Chris Scaife, Jesmond
------------------------
I see on the news that Lord Hutton says he is "satisfied that David Kelly took his own life". He may not have liked Dr. Kelly that much, but isn't this taking gloating just a little too far?
Dave Owen, Edinburgh
-------------------------
I was extremely saddened to hear of Richard Whiteley's recent death. But I was cheered to imagine his life support machine making the famous Countdown "da-da, da-da, da-da-da-da! Booooooo!" sound as he took his final breaths.
Tripod
----------------
I never worry about the destination when I'm going on holiday. My dad is Iranian and my mum is Irish, so I spend most of the time in customs.
Stan
-----------------
What's all this nonsense about that 66-year-old Romanian woman being the world's oldest mum? My mum's 77. Beat that.
Thomas J
Could the Home Secretary explain to me how biometric checks on iris Patterns and fingerprints are going to help keep tabs on Muslim cleric Abu Hamsa.
Les Barnsley
--------------
The government tells us that we are eating too many pies and dying of heart disease, then in the next breath they're telling us we are living too long and there'll be no more pension money left for us. I wish they'd make their bloody minds up.
John
---------------
' Alton Towers - Where the magic never ends', or so the commercial says.
Imagine my disappointment when it closed at 7.30.
Colum Hill
---------------
I am married to a Taiwanese lady, and people often ask me if she was a mail-order bride. I find this very insensitive. The Royal Mail lose around
2 million letters and parcels each year, and to suggest that I would trust the delivery of my wife to them is insulting in the extreme. She was sent by DHL next day delivery.
L Palmer, London
-----------------
The record companies would have us believe that the money made by CD Pirates goes to fund the drug industry. But the money rock stars make from legal record sales ends up in exactly the same place. When they stop breaking the law, so will I.
P Boddington, Ringway
--------------------
Peter Andre might look smug in all his wedding pictures, but I'd just like to remind him that, as a Playboy reader, I have seen his wife's m*nge.
He
hasn't seen my wife's, so who's had the last laugh?
P, Leeds
---------------------
It really annoys me to see these suicide bombers blowing up people as well as themselves. In my day, suicide was done in a more dignified way, such as slicing your wrists in the bath, or hanging yourself from a door with a belt.
Paul Mulraney, Belfast
------------------------
My friend's mum recently pointed out that I have the same ironing board cover as her. Can anyone think of a more mundane and pointless remark to make than this?
Alun Daniel
------------------------
I'LL never understand my neighbour. He has recently started wheel-clamping his own caravan when he finds he has inadvertently parked it in his own drive! I wonder if he is a sadist, a masochist or both.
Alan Thakray
--------------------------
Did anyone else feel that Mel Gibson's remake of the classic Life of Brian wasn't anywhere near as funny as the original?
Anon
----------------------------
On the BBC website, I read with interest that some scientists in Australia have discovered the smallest fish known to exist. They've obviously never been to the Britannia Chippy on the Gloucester Road .
Alan J., London
---------------------
Hats off to the American police. They arrive at Michael Jackson's Neverland ranch to arrest him a mere six months after he admits climbing into bed with young boys on worldwide TV. Perhaps they should get some faster cars.
T Barnham, London
-----------------------
HOW come rap artist Dr. Dre can use the 'N' word on his multi-million selling albums and win a MOBO award, yet when I used it at my son's football match I was asked to leave the park? Once again, it's one law for the rich and another for the poor.
Reg Ashcroft, Bradford
--------------------------
The government says that there are nearly 50,000 people with HIV in Britain, a third of whom do not even know that they have it. Is it just me, or is it a bit harsh that the government know and haven't told the poor sods?
John Campbell, e-mail
------------------------
Never mind ventriloquists like Keith Harris and Roger DeCourcey. What about Professor Stephen Hawking? I saw him on telly blathering on about galaxies for hours and I never saw his lips move once. Genius.
Mike Woods, e-mail
------------------------
With reference to that series "Manhunt" where ex-Special Forces soldiers try to hunt down Andy McNab. Why don't the producers include a couple of Iraqis in the hunting team? They found the tw*t quickly enough the last time he played hide and seek with them.
Shuggie, Email
-------------------------
Hats off to the witty burglars who stole my entire CD collection with the exception of "There is Nothing Left to Lose" by the Foo Fighters. I hope that when sentencing, the judge takes into account their splendid sense of humour.
Chris Scaife, Jesmond
------------------------
I see on the news that Lord Hutton says he is "satisfied that David Kelly took his own life". He may not have liked Dr. Kelly that much, but isn't this taking gloating just a little too far?
Dave Owen, Edinburgh
-------------------------
I was extremely saddened to hear of Richard Whiteley's recent death. But I was cheered to imagine his life support machine making the famous Countdown "da-da, da-da, da-da-da-da! Booooooo!" sound as he took his final breaths.
Tripod
----------------
I never worry about the destination when I'm going on holiday. My dad is Iranian and my mum is Irish, so I spend most of the time in customs.
Stan
-----------------
What's all this nonsense about that 66-year-old Romanian woman being the world's oldest mum? My mum's 77. Beat that.
Thomas J
rich upsetter
Cuffy is the new skill
vizzle.
it's a very close second! I love crap jokes.
FooFighter
Well-Known Forumite
Pregnant Irish girl
Phones her Mom at home,
"Mam oi tink me waters have broke!"
"Oh me Holy Jaysus", Mam says, "Where are ya ringin from?"
"Oim ringin from me minge to me fockin ankles ma!!"
Phones her Mom at home,
"Mam oi tink me waters have broke!"
"Oh me Holy Jaysus", Mam says, "Where are ya ringin from?"
"Oim ringin from me minge to me fockin ankles ma!!"
BBC
You knows it
George Bush was visiting a primary school and he visited one of the classes.
They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.
The teacher asked the President if he would like to lead the discussion on the
word "tragedy". So the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a "tragedy".
One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is
playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a tragedy."
"No," said Bush, "that would be an accident."
A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing
everyone inside, that would be a tragedy." "I'm afraid not," explained the president.
"That's what we would call a great loss."
The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Bush searched the room "Isn't there
someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"
Finally at the back of the room little Johnny raised his hand. In a quiet voice he said:
"If 'Air Force One' carrying you and Mrs. Bush was struck by a "friendly fire" missile
and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy." "Fantastic!" exclaimed Bush.
"That's right. And can you tell me why that would be tragedy?" "Well," said Johnny,
"It has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss, and it probably
wouldn't be a f*cking accident either!"
They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.
The teacher asked the President if he would like to lead the discussion on the
word "tragedy". So the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a "tragedy".
One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is
playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a tragedy."
"No," said Bush, "that would be an accident."
A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing
everyone inside, that would be a tragedy." "I'm afraid not," explained the president.
"That's what we would call a great loss."
The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Bush searched the room "Isn't there
someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"
Finally at the back of the room little Johnny raised his hand. In a quiet voice he said:
"If 'Air Force One' carrying you and Mrs. Bush was struck by a "friendly fire" missile
and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy." "Fantastic!" exclaimed Bush.
"That's right. And can you tell me why that would be tragedy?" "Well," said Johnny,
"It has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss, and it probably
wouldn't be a f*cking accident either!"
rich upsetter
Cuffy is the new skill
lolz
db
#chaplife
Hitler dies and arrives at the gates of Heaven. Saint Peter sees him and says, "There's no way I'm letting you in here."
"Look, I'm really sorry for all the bad things I've done," Hitler says, "At least let me talk to Jesus."
"Okay, but I don't think he'll let you in," Saint Peter said, and off he went to get Jesus.
Jesus came up to the gates and saw Hitler there. "Aw feck off, Hitler, you're not getting into Heaven."
"Jesus, I'm so sorry for what I've done," Hitler begged. "I've repented! Look - as a token of my sincerity, I've got this solid gold cross I'll give you." Jesus pondered this.
"Well....I'd better go ask my dad." So he went off to see God.
Jesus approached God and said, "Dad, Hitler's at the gate. I told him he can't come in, but he says he's really sorry. I think he means it. He even said he'd give me a solid gold cross!"
God looked at Jesus and said, "What the hell would you want with a solid gold cross? You couldn't even carry a wooden one!"
"Look, I'm really sorry for all the bad things I've done," Hitler says, "At least let me talk to Jesus."
"Okay, but I don't think he'll let you in," Saint Peter said, and off he went to get Jesus.
Jesus came up to the gates and saw Hitler there. "Aw feck off, Hitler, you're not getting into Heaven."
"Jesus, I'm so sorry for what I've done," Hitler begged. "I've repented! Look - as a token of my sincerity, I've got this solid gold cross I'll give you." Jesus pondered this.
"Well....I'd better go ask my dad." So he went off to see God.
Jesus approached God and said, "Dad, Hitler's at the gate. I told him he can't come in, but he says he's really sorry. I think he means it. He even said he'd give me a solid gold cross!"
God looked at Jesus and said, "What the hell would you want with a solid gold cross? You couldn't even carry a wooden one!"
