Give us a joke... go on it might be funny :)

Micheal Barrymore was asked if he'd ever do Panto again !!!

He replied....

Well I did Aladin about 6yrs ago and people have never forgotten..


get it..... a lad in ....... yeah, made me laugh anyway


nuts.... just seen this joke on the previous page...........
 

Andreas Rex

Banned for smiling
I went to the doctor's for my annual checkup today. He said 'You should stop masturbating.'...I asked 'Why?'...he said 'Because i'm still examining you!'

:rofl:
 

db

#chaplife
Andreas Rex said:
I went to the doctor's for my annual checkup today. He said 'You should stop masturbating.'...I asked 'Why?'...he said 'Because i'm still examining you!'

:rofl:
roflhamstersmalltl7.jpg
 

Mrs M

Well-Known Forumite
TWENTY NINE LINES TO MAKE YOU SMILE

1.. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.
2.. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3.. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
4.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

5.. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
6.. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me
7.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
8.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
9.. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.


10.. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
11.. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
12.. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
13.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
14.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

15.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
16.. Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!
17.. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
18.. Procrastinate Now!

19.. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
20.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
21.. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance
22.. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
23..They call it PMS because Mad Person Disease was already taken.

24.. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.

25.. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.
26.. Ham and eggs...A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
27.. The trouble with life is there's no background music.
28.. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
29.. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.
 

db

#chaplife
labcm said:
TWENTY NINE LINES TO MAKE YOU SMILE
lol they are brilliant.. it's hard to pick out the best ones, cos they're all quality, but i particularly like:

labcm said:
7.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
13.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
19.. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
:rofl:
 

Andreas Rex

Banned for smiling
Blonde bird takes her car to the garage. Mechanic fixes it in 2 minutes. 'No problem love' he says, 'just shit in the filter.' 'Really?' she says..'How often do i have to do that?'

:teef:
 

Alan B'Stard

Well-Known Forumite
A man and a woman who had never met before, but were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly.... him in the upper bunk and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."

"I have a better idea," she replied." Just for tonight, let's just pretend that we're married. "

"Wow! That's a great idea! " he exclaimed!

"Good, " she replied... "Get your own f*cking blanket."

After a stunned moment of silence, he farted.
 

Andreas Rex

Banned for smiling
A man phones his local gym and asks whether they can teach him to do the splits. 'How flexible are you?' asks the instructor. The man says 'Well I can't make next Tuesday or Wednesday.'

:teef:
 

Mrs M

Well-Known Forumite
THE BEST CHICKEN JOKE EVER

On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together. One day, the horse fell into a bog and began to sink. The horse begged the chicken to go and get the farmer to help. The chicken ran back to the farm. He searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail for he had gone to town with the only tractor. Running around, the chicen spied the farmers new z3 series BMW. Finding the keys inside, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friends life. Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy to see the chicken arrive in the shiny z3. He managed to get a hold on the rope the chicken tossed him. After tying the other end to the rear bumber of the z3, the chicken then drove slowly forward and with the aid of the powerful car, rescued the horse. Happy and proud the chicken drove the z3 back to the farmhouse and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned. The friendship between the two buddies cemented. Best buddies, best pals. A few weeks later the chicken fell into a mud pit and soon he too began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life. The horse thought a moment, walked over and straddled the large puddle. Looking underneath he told the chicken to grab his ''thing'' and he would then lift him out of the pit. The chicken got a good grip and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.

The Moral of the story?
When your hung like a horse, you dn't need a BMW to pick up chicks.
 

Alan B'Stard

Well-Known Forumite
Liverpool airport was closed for four hours today after police found a suspicious car parked outside.
It was taxed, insured and still had its radio.
 

MISS T

Forum user & abuser
I was working in the garden this weekend and my wife was about to take a shower. I realized that I couldn't find the rake. I yelled up to my wife,
"Where is the rake" She couldn't hear me and she shouted back,
"What?" I pointed to my eye, and then I pointed to my knee and made
a raking motion. Then my wife wasn't sure and said "What?"
I repeated the gestures. "Eye - Kneed - The Rake" My wife replied that she understands and signals back. She first points to her eye, next she points to her left breast, then she points to her backside, and finally to her crotch. Well, there is no way in hell I could even come close to that one. Exasperated, I went upstairs and asked her,
"What the hell was that?" She replies, "Eye - Left Tit - Behind - The Bush".
 
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