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Give us a joke... go on it might be funny :)
- Thread starter BBC
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age'd parent
50,000th poster!
not exactly a joke , but funny, "moan my isp"
http://www.moanmyip.com/
http://www.moanmyip.com/
rich upsetter
Cuffy is the new skill
Have you heard that you can now buy Viagra in eye drop form?>
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They make you look hard.
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They make you look hard.
Andreas Rex
Banned for smiling
Patient: Doctor, doctor, i'm having terrible trouble with my hearing
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Patient: They're those yellow people on TV
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Patient: They're those yellow people on TV
A blonde a brunette and a red head were going bear hunting in the woods. The brunette looked at the other two and said, "I bet I can catch a bigger bear than both of you!" The red head and the blonde looked at her and nodded. So off the brunette went, deeper into the woods looking for a big bear. Half an hour later, she retuned with a 6 foot tall bear. The blonde and the red head were very impressed, so much so that they had to ask her how she had done it. The brunette looked at the other two smugly and said, "I saw the tracks, I followed the tracks, and I caught a bear." The red head was inspired by this, so she bet the other two that she could catch a bigger bear. The red head set off into the woods looking for a bear and when she came back an hour later, she had a 7 foot tall bear. The Blonde and the Brunette were speechless, but they just had to know how she had done it. So the red head looked at the other two slyly and said, "I saw the tracks, I followed the tracks, and I caught a bear." The blonde was the only one who hadn't caught a bear so she didn't want to be the only one left out, so she decided, if they could do it so can I! So the blonde bet that she could catch a bigger bear than both of the other two. They laughed as she stalked away into the woods going after her bear. When an hour and a half past, they began to worry... Two hours... Three Hours... They were about to go looking for her when she showed up, without a bear, and all beaten and bloody. They were so astonished to see her so badly injured, they just had to know what had gone wrong. The blonde looked at the other two in frustration and said, "I saw the tracks, I followed the tracks, and I got hit by a train..."
The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican, and because they are the seven dwarfs, they are ushered in to see the Pope. Grumpy leads the pack. "Grumpy, my son," says the pope, "What can I do for you?" Grumpy asks, "Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?" The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers, "No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome." In the background, a few of the dwarfs start giggling. Grumpy turns around and glares, silencing them. Grumpy turns back, "Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?" The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers, "No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe." This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter. Once again, Grumpy turns around and silences them with an angry glare. Grumpy turns back and says, "Mr. Pope! Are there ANY Dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?" The Pope, really confused by the questions says, "I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world." The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks, as they begin chanting...... "Grumpy shagged a penguin! Grumpy shagged a penguin!
paddy walks into a pub and orders 3 pints of the black stuff, the bar tender pours them and watches him sit on his own and drink one after the other. Paddy goes back to the bar and orders the same round. The bar tender says, "if you order them one by one, they won't go flat", but Paddy explains that he has a brother in Australia and one in America, and they each said they would drink this way, to remember the good times they shared.
One day Paddy comes in and orders only two pints, the bar tender and the regulars notice this and everyone goes quiet. The bartender brings up three shots of Jamesons Whisky and says "I'm awfully sorry for your grief". Ah don't be silly says Paddy, I've quite drinking.
One day Paddy comes in and orders only two pints, the bar tender and the regulars notice this and everyone goes quiet. The bartender brings up three shots of Jamesons Whisky and says "I'm awfully sorry for your grief". Ah don't be silly says Paddy, I've quite drinking.
FooFighter
Well-Known Forumite
Have you heard that Elton John is going to replace Pavarotti in the three tenors?
Apparently they are now going to be called the two tenors and a nine bob note!
Apparently they are now going to be called the two tenors and a nine bob note!
The Worst Day Of My Life
A little guy is sitting inside a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half-an-hour.
Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says: "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man crying." "No, it's not that", says the little man. "Today is the worst day of my life. First, I overslept and was late to an important meeting. My boss was outraged and fired me. When I left the building to go to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said they could do nothing so I got a cab to return home. After I paid the cab driver and the cab had gone, I found that I left my whole wallet in the cab. I got home only to find my wife was in bed with the gardener. I left home and came to this bar... And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison.
A little guy is sitting inside a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half-an-hour.
Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says: "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man crying." "No, it's not that", says the little man. "Today is the worst day of my life. First, I overslept and was late to an important meeting. My boss was outraged and fired me. When I left the building to go to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said they could do nothing so I got a cab to return home. After I paid the cab driver and the cab had gone, I found that I left my whole wallet in the cab. I got home only to find my wife was in bed with the gardener. I left home and came to this bar... And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison.
that is the best parrot i have ever seen lol.. i love the way he starts off speaking french, then it all descends into squalor lol..Flat Belly
A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his mom on top of his
dad bouncing up and down. The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts,
worried about what her son has seen. She dresses quickly and goes to
find him. The son sees his mom and asks, "What were you and Dad doing?"
The mother replies, "Well, you know your dad has a big tummy and
sometimes I have to get on top of it and help flatten it."
"Your wasting your time," said the boy.
"Why is that?" the mom asked puzzled.
"Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on
her knees and blows it right back up."
A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his mom on top of his
dad bouncing up and down. The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts,
worried about what her son has seen. She dresses quickly and goes to
find him. The son sees his mom and asks, "What were you and Dad doing?"
The mother replies, "Well, you know your dad has a big tummy and
sometimes I have to get on top of it and help flatten it."
"Your wasting your time," said the boy.
"Why is that?" the mom asked puzzled.
"Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on
her knees and blows it right back up."
A lesson on how consultants can make a difference in an organization.
Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant, "Steve's Place," and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.
It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket.
Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired, "Why the spoon?"
"Well, "he explained, "the restaurant's owner hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all of our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour.
If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."
As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare. "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now." I was impressed.
I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly.
Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"
"Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the restroom.
By tying this string to the tip of our you-know-what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%.
I asked quietly, "After you get it out, how do you put it back?"
"Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon."
Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant, "Steve's Place," and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.
It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket.
Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired, "Why the spoon?"
"Well, "he explained, "the restaurant's owner hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all of our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour.
If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."
As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare. "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now." I was impressed.
I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly.
Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"
"Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the restroom.
By tying this string to the tip of our you-know-what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%.
I asked quietly, "After you get it out, how do you put it back?"
"Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon."
age'd parent
50,000th poster!
THE PROBLEM WITH OUTSOURCING
Was depressed last night so I called Samaritans Lifeline.
Got a call center in Pakistan.
Told them I was suicidal.
They got all excited and asked if I could fly a plane.
Was depressed last night so I called Samaritans Lifeline.
Got a call center in Pakistan.
Told them I was suicidal.
They got all excited and asked if I could fly a plane.
