[Content Warning: suicide ideation]
I started trying to access mental health services around this time last year, I have seen 3 different mental health services and been under all of them at least twice. I've decided to get a formal diagnosis because that seems like a good starting point to understand WTF is going on with my mental health and what might actually help me after 15 years. There are times I have considered going into hospital as a voluntary patient due to the lack of appropriate mental healthcare and long waits for everything in the community. Feeling like I want to die or kill myself is a bit like having a cold for me now, I just get on with whatever I can summon the motivation to do and/or stay in bed and sleep until it passes. There's only so many times you can call a helpline before you realise it's pointless because you can calm down by yourself and they can't do anything to make life a bit easier or less shit. Understandably, I am now super sceptical of mental health services providing anything that is likely to benefit me in the long run except for bureaucratic purposes such as an actual diagnosis (I am not even certain I will get that far I'm so used to being fobbed off) and maybe letters to help me get things from other agencies.