Today I Heard.....

Gramaisc

Forum O. G.
..."Contactless?", asked the asked the vendor, when offered a card in payment.

"Brainless!", said the buyer's wife, clearly with decades of evidence to rely on...
 

proactive

Enjoying a drop of red.
"Mum called me yesterday and said I have to go round tomorrow to see Bethany as she's missing me."

"Well she is your kid and she's only four"

"Well I'm sick of it. I'm just going to tell the stupid clingy bitch that the reason she lives with nanna and grandad is that I don't bloody want her".

©The Swan 20-10-18
 

littleme

250,000th poster!
"Mum called me yesterday and said I have to go round tomorrow to see Bethany as she's missing me."

"Well she is your kid and she's only four"

"Well I'm sick of it. I'm just going to tell the stupid clingy bitch that the reason she lives with nanna and grandad is that I don't bloody want her".

©The Swan 20-10-18

Omg, that's so sad.
 

BobClay

Well-Known Forumite
I think I've finally cracked the Time Machine thing. I designed it to go forward in time, (the most useful attribute) in order to obtain a set of lottery numbers. Going forward is relatively easy (H.G. Wells chose his direction well.) Problem is I have to come back :mad: in order for the lottery numbers to be useful.

But I figured a few hours shouldn't throw up too many paradoxes, I mean come on, what f****** difference can it make who wins the bloody lottery ?

So clutching my winning lottery ticket in my hand I wandered down to the post office next day to get my cash … only to find there was a queue … stretching away to the horizon … :o … and all the people in the queue …. were me ….. :toot:
 

Tilly

Well-Known Forumite
I think I've finally cracked the Time Machine thing. I designed it to go forward in time, (the most useful attribute) in order to obtain a set of lottery numbers. Going forward is relatively easy (H.G. Wells chose his direction well.) Problem is I have to come back :mad: in order for the lottery numbers to be useful.

But I figured a few hours shouldn't throw up too many paradoxes, I mean come on, what f****** difference can it make who wins the bloody lottery ?

So clutching my winning lottery ticket in my hand I wandered down to the post office next day to get my cash … only to find there was a queue … stretching away to the horizon … :o … and all the people in the queue …. were me ….. :toot:


Are you in Canada?
 

proactive

Enjoying a drop of red.
I think I've finally cracked the Time Machine thing. I designed it to go forward in time, (the most useful attribute) in order to obtain a set of lottery numbers. Going forward is relatively easy (H.G. Wells chose his direction well.) Problem is I have to come back :mad: in order for the lottery numbers to be useful.

But I figured a few hours shouldn't throw up too many paradoxes, I mean come on, what f****** difference can it make who wins the bloody lottery ?

So clutching my winning lottery ticket in my hand I wandered down to the post office next day to get my cash … only to find there was a queue … stretching away to the horizon … :o … and all the people in the queue …. were me ….. :toot:

Are you in Canada?
Or possibly on monkey dust?
 

Sir BoD

Well-Known Forumite
**Overheard in Home Bargains today:

"I always wear those as panty liners".

**Overheard suggests I was ear-wigging, when in fact the whole of aisle one was also informed of this revelation. (And no, I didn't look back to see what was actually being used as an alternative to panty liners).
 

proactive

Enjoying a drop of red.
**Overheard in Home Bargains today:

"I always wear those as panty liners".

**Overheard suggests I was ear-wigging, when in fact the whole of aisle one was also informed of this revelation. (And no, I didn't look back to see what was actually being used as an alternative to panty liners).
Blotting paper?
 

Gadget

Well-Known Forumite
Today I heard that it's the people of The Yemen's fault that their children are starving. After all they knew the situation so shouldn't have had a family. I agree said someone else, we should send contraceptives instead of aid...…
I got rather angry.
 

Apricot

Well-Known Forumite
Today I heard Mr Apricot complaining that the 'free membership card' was missing from his Staffordshire Wildlife Trust renewal letter.

It wasn't missing. To avoid using plastic, they had printed the membership card at the bottom of the letter, which said 'please find attached your plastic free membership card' ...
 

Tilly

Well-Known Forumite
Today I heard Mr Apricot complaining that the 'free membership card' was missing from his Staffordshire Wildlife Trust renewal letter.

It wasn't missing. To avoid using plastic, they had printed the membership card at the bottom of the letter, which said 'please find attached your plastic free membership card' ...

Tree killers!!
 
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