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An 'anti-rant' thread type of thing
- Thread starter victoriab
- Start date
Moley
Well-Known Forumite
Since Biggin felt he needed to talk shite I will.
Here's my story:
I had been going out with my now wife for just a year. My wife's Dad is greek from Cyprus and owns a house in Cyprus. My wife's parents kindly invited me to spend 4 weeks there in the summer ( I was in uni so easy to do) - I accepted.
Had a good time there, usual sort of thing but ohh - I hadn't poo'd for a week, wee bit of discomfort but nothing major. I just ate loads of cold beans, figs and tonnes of greek salad. One week later - nothing. I drank loads of water and everything else to budge my lazy bowel. 2.5 weeks nothing. At this stage I felt pregnant and anything I ate - well after a few mouthfuls I felt stuffed. I went to a greek chemist - it was a nightmare because they couldn't understand that I need laxatives I just pointed at my bum and they gave me something.
Anyway I took laxatives for two days and nothing happened........................but then on the way back from the mountains one evening (in the car) I felt a tremendous pain I needed to shit big time. We got back to the house and I ran for the loo. My arse exploded everywhere. I sat on the bog until I had severe pins and needles and could barely stand. I was there for an hour. Meanwhile I had everyone in my wife's family knocking the door asking me when I would be finished because they needed the loo. Everytime I tried to stand I had to evacuate more of my bowel. Eventually I finished, wiped my arse and stood up. I went to flush the loo and...........................................bollocks it didn't work. I went outside to explain and my future father in law checked.. The ballcock for the main water tank had broke. There was no water anywhere in the house. All the shops were shut and we couldn't buy any water to flush the loo. For one evening and a morning, my mother in law, father in law, future wife and future sister in law had to wee and poo onto my 2.5 week shit that had been inside me but now filled the bowel up.
Getting to know you
Here's my story:
I had been going out with my now wife for just a year. My wife's Dad is greek from Cyprus and owns a house in Cyprus. My wife's parents kindly invited me to spend 4 weeks there in the summer ( I was in uni so easy to do) - I accepted.
Had a good time there, usual sort of thing but ohh - I hadn't poo'd for a week, wee bit of discomfort but nothing major. I just ate loads of cold beans, figs and tonnes of greek salad. One week later - nothing. I drank loads of water and everything else to budge my lazy bowel. 2.5 weeks nothing. At this stage I felt pregnant and anything I ate - well after a few mouthfuls I felt stuffed. I went to a greek chemist - it was a nightmare because they couldn't understand that I need laxatives I just pointed at my bum and they gave me something.
Anyway I took laxatives for two days and nothing happened........................but then on the way back from the mountains one evening (in the car) I felt a tremendous pain I needed to shit big time. We got back to the house and I ran for the loo. My arse exploded everywhere. I sat on the bog until I had severe pins and needles and could barely stand. I was there for an hour. Meanwhile I had everyone in my wife's family knocking the door asking me when I would be finished because they needed the loo. Everytime I tried to stand I had to evacuate more of my bowel. Eventually I finished, wiped my arse and stood up. I went to flush the loo and...........................................bollocks it didn't work. I went outside to explain and my future father in law checked.. The ballcock for the main water tank had broke. There was no water anywhere in the house. All the shops were shut and we couldn't buy any water to flush the loo. For one evening and a morning, my mother in law, father in law, future wife and future sister in law had to wee and poo onto my 2.5 week shit that had been inside me but now filled the bowel up.
Getting to know you
gon2seed
(and me! - Ed)
Still wrapping myself in gaffer tape due to my sides splitting at Biggin and Moley's tales, top stuff!
I have a tale, not copraphilic but in a similar vein; it's second hand, but I'll share it just the same.
A friend of mine, met a nice boy at Uni, and as the relationship developed, the time came for her to meet the parents! A dreaded moment for anyone, but made all the more daunting by the fact that she was a working class lass, and her boyfriends family were aspiring middle class, and distinctly posh by her reckoning.
The day dawned, and Jane, (we'll call her), went to the house with her boyfriend. She was immediately terrified by the long drive, huge detached property, and immaculate Jag parked outside. By the time she got inside she was in a proper tizzy, and her nervousness and long drive had lead to overpressure in her bladder!
After the introductions and pleasantries, as soon as she felt it appropriate, she determined to ask if she could relieve herself. Her dilemma was how to ask! Was toilet an approriate term? bog[ certainly wouldn't do! Deciding on a neutral term Jane asked if there was somewhere she could wash her hands. Directed to a door Jane was horrified on entering to find all that was inside was a wash basin!
Now Jane was nothing if not ingenious, she didn't want to reappear immediately and ask again, so she hitched up her skirt, lowered her knickers, and struggled to get her, not inconsiderable, ass over the sink ...
When Jane came to, she was in A&E, her mortified boyfriend, told her that they had waited for ages for her too emerge, and when she didn't answer their enquiries, they had struggled to get into the room as she had been lying against the door. They had found her lying on the floor, knickers round her ankles, with a badly gashed head! It seems that when the sink parted company with the wall, she had pitched forward into the door handle, knocking herself out cold, and putting a four inch cut in her scalp in the process...
Jane never visited again!
I have a tale, not copraphilic but in a similar vein; it's second hand, but I'll share it just the same.
A friend of mine, met a nice boy at Uni, and as the relationship developed, the time came for her to meet the parents! A dreaded moment for anyone, but made all the more daunting by the fact that she was a working class lass, and her boyfriends family were aspiring middle class, and distinctly posh by her reckoning.
The day dawned, and Jane, (we'll call her), went to the house with her boyfriend. She was immediately terrified by the long drive, huge detached property, and immaculate Jag parked outside. By the time she got inside she was in a proper tizzy, and her nervousness and long drive had lead to overpressure in her bladder!
After the introductions and pleasantries, as soon as she felt it appropriate, she determined to ask if she could relieve herself. Her dilemma was how to ask! Was toilet an approriate term? bog[ certainly wouldn't do! Deciding on a neutral term Jane asked if there was somewhere she could wash her hands. Directed to a door Jane was horrified on entering to find all that was inside was a wash basin!
Now Jane was nothing if not ingenious, she didn't want to reappear immediately and ask again, so she hitched up her skirt, lowered her knickers, and struggled to get her, not inconsiderable, ass over the sink ...
When Jane came to, she was in A&E, her mortified boyfriend, told her that they had waited for ages for her too emerge, and when she didn't answer their enquiries, they had struggled to get into the room as she had been lying against the door. They had found her lying on the floor, knickers round her ankles, with a badly gashed head! It seems that when the sink parted company with the wall, she had pitched forward into the door handle, knocking herself out cold, and putting a four inch cut in her scalp in the process...
Jane never visited again!
I got home at lunchtime and found two crates of beer in my hallway - 48 bottles of specially selected german beers that I presume my Dad has dropped off for me after his visit to the G8 in Germany.noir2985 said:
If anyone else wants to continue this new tradition of bringing me crates of booze and just leaving them in my house without any warning or explanitory note I can provide a key.
