Give us a joke... go on it might be funny :)

[TENSHON]

like it. will palm it off at work tomorrow as one of my own.

 

[BBC]

A Polish guy goes to the opticians.

"Can you read the fourth line down please?" says the optician.

"Read it? I know him!" replies the Pole

 

[BBC]

Ok in a Tim Vine Stylee, here's a friday afternoon barrage of mirth!?! for the forum.....

Two birds were sitting on a perch. One says to the other: "Do you smell fish?"

Two snowmen were standing in a field, one says to the other, "Do you smell carrots?"

Two canniballs were eating a clown, one says to the other, "Does this taste funny to you?"

A ship carrying brown paint collided with a ship carrying purple paint. The crew of both were marooned.

A guy shows up late for work. The boss yells You should have been here at 8:30, he replies: Why? What happened at 8:30?

A man phones into work and tells his boss he wont be in today, hes sick. The boss asks exactly how sick he is. man replys "well im in bed with my sister" ewwwww!

 

[BBC]

On a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse, when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane.

"I'm too young to die!", she wails.
Then she yells,
"Well,if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on Earth to be memorable. Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?"

For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril, and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then a man stands up in the rear of the plane.

"I can make you feel like a woman," he says.

He is gorgeous - tall, well built with long, flowing black hair and jet black eyes. He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt,one button at a time. No one moves. The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the stranger approaches. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her, and extends his hand to the trembling woman and whispers .......

.....

.....

.....

"Iron this."

 

[MISS T]

Two cannibals are eating a clown.
One turns to the other and says . . . . .




. . . .. .."Does this taste funny to you?"

 

[MISS T]

A skeleton walks into a bar and says . . .


. ."Gimme a beer. And a mop."

 

[jimbob23]

Didn't know you went to Chetwynd, Miss T. Great days. Remember Mr Marriott and his board rubber throwing skills?

 

[MISS T]

Didn't know you went to Chetwynd, Miss T. Great days. Remember Mr Marriott and his board rubber throwing skills?

No way! All these years and I didn't know you were a fellow Chetwynder(!) Miss Whitehouse? ERRRwww.

 

[jimbob23]

She was my form tutor.

Was only there for 2 years, as they changed to the two-tier system when I was halfway through. Think I was there from 87-89.

Were you there when we all had to go to St Mary's to sing a couple of songs, which they then released on cassette? My mum and dad have still got the tape somewhere. You must have gone by the time we produced an excellent - some would say the definitive - stage production of 'Oliver'.

 

[BBC]

She was my form tutor.

Was only there for 2 years, as they changed to the two-tier system when I was halfway through. Think I was there from 87-89.

Were you there when we all had to go to St Mary's to sing a couple of songs, which they then released on cassette? My mum and dad have still got the tape somewhere. You must have gone by the time we produced an excellent - some would say the definitive - stage production of 'Oliver'.

And what was your role in this professional production Jimbob?

Joke for day:


I had an iraqi curry last night. it was nice but i woke up with the shiete's.

 

[MISS T]

Have the cassette and the 'save our school' mug. Whitehouse was my tutor too, actually nice woman. I appeared in the production of 'Alice'. I was also the first and last female school DJ for two years. Remember the Friday dinner-time-disco?

 

[BBC]

Have the cassette and the 'save our school' mug. Whitehouse was my tutor too, actually nice woman. I appeared in the production of 'Alice'. I was also the first and last female school DJ for two years. Remember the Friday dinner-time-disco?

Man this school sounds ace. Professional musical productions, dinner time disco's, what else did you have?

 

[jimbob23]

Have the cassette and the 'save our school' mug. Whitehouse was my tutor too, actually nice woman. I appeared in the production of 'Alice'. I was also the first and last female school DJ for two years. Remember the Friday dinner-time-disco?

I forgot about them mugs. I think the folks may have one of those stuck in a cupboard somewhere an' all.

Don't really remember the Friday disco. I was probably out getting my knees muddy or hanging out in 'the cloisters'.

 

[jimbob23]

And what was your role in this professional production Jimbob?

Joke for day:


I had an iraqi curry last night. it was nice but i woke up with the shiete's.

I was one of the warehouse urchins and also played a member of Fagin's gang called Charlie (we got away with only having half the required cast by cunningly using the same kids for the workhouse and the gang but we all wore slightly different clothes). Me, the Artful Dodger and Fagin had to stand at the front on our own and sing a song at one point, while Oliver was chased around the room (possibly by Bill Sykes). I refused to partake in any further theatrical productions out of embarrassment.

Awful joke, by the way.

 

[MISS T]

Have the cassette and the 'save our school' mug. Whitehouse was my tutor too, actually nice woman. I appeared in the production of 'Alice'. I was also the first and last female school DJ for two years. Remember the Friday dinner-time-disco?

Man this school sounds ace. Professional musical productions, dinner time disco's, what else did you have?

Jimbob wouldn't know this but each lunch time an ice cream van parked on our play ground for the duration.

 

[jimbob23]

Ah, see, I remember him pulling up just oustide the entrance to the playground (now car park). What you said rings a bell but it's oh so very long ago now.

 

[rich upsetter]

A woman was searching for the perfect man. She decided to place an ad in the paper. Many men answered the ad, but for one reason or another she was still alone. Sadly, she decided to give up her search & pull the ad. Just then the doorbell rang. Upon answering, she see a man in a wheelchair. He had no arms or legs.
She asks him, "Can I help you?"
He says, "Yes, I'm here to answer your ad."
"Oh, I'm sorry, I don't think you are right for me."
He replies, " Well, I have all your qualifications. I don't have arms so I can't beat you, I have no legs so I can't run around behind your back & Mostly I am an attractive loving man looking for someone to love & share my life with. These are the traits you were looking for, right?"
"Well, yes they are & you do seem to be a sweet man, but there's something I need that I couldn't write in the ad & I don't think you can fullfill it."
The man quickly asks, "What is it, I'm sure I possess the quaility."
"Well, she says, I need a man who can fullfill me sexually. I don't see how you can, I'm sorry."
With a smile on his face he quickly responds, "How do you think I rang the doorbell?"

 

[MISS T]

A 75-year-old man went to the doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow."

The next day, the 75-year-old man reappears at the doctor's office and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as the previous day.

The doctor asks what happened, and the man explains, "Well, Doc, it's like this. First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, but nothing. Then with her left, but nothing."

The old man continued, "She even tried with her mouth, first with her teeth in, then with he teeth out, and still nothing. Hell, we even called up the lady next door, and she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing."

The doctor was shocked. "You asked your NEIGHBOUR?"



The old man replied, "Yep, but no matter what we tried, we couldn't get the damn jar open!"

 

[TENSHON]

One of my mates has got one of them Indian dogs... It's guite vicious, so he has to muslim.

 

[BBC]

Not exactly a joke but still mirth worthy...