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Give us a joke... go on it might be funny :)
- Thread starter BBC
- Start date
How the fairy got on top of the Christmas tree
'Twas Christmas Eve and Santa, his wife, the elves and a few fairies were very busy getting all the presents ready. Everyone was stressed and rushing around, and Santa was in no mood for jokes. Amidst all the kerfuffle, a fairy approached a frazzled Santa, pulling a huge Christmas tree behind her. Tapping Santa on the shoulder, she asked him 'sorry to bother you, but what shall I do with this Christmas tree Santa?'. And so he told her.
'Twas Christmas Eve and Santa, his wife, the elves and a few fairies were very busy getting all the presents ready. Everyone was stressed and rushing around, and Santa was in no mood for jokes. Amidst all the kerfuffle, a fairy approached a frazzled Santa, pulling a huge Christmas tree behind her. Tapping Santa on the shoulder, she asked him 'sorry to bother you, but what shall I do with this Christmas tree Santa?'. And so he told her.
A bloke is on his honeymoon and on the first night he is spotted fishing alone by the sea. How odd, thought the hotel worker, surely, on the first night of his honeymoon he should be making love to his new wife. The next day he sees the man fishing alone again. The hotel worker isn’t impressed so approaches the fisherman and asks why he isn’t with his new wife. “I really like fishing,†the man replies. Anyway, the next day the man is seen fishing alone and the hotel worker is getting concerned. “Look,†he says to the fisherman. “You’ve been on your honeymoon for three days and I haven’t seen you with your wife for one minute. Why? Is there something wrong with her or something.†“Well,†says the fisherman. “The thing is, she’s got leprosy.†The hotel worker replies, “She’s a lepor! Why did you marry herhen?†“For the maggots.â€
FooFighter
Well-Known Forumite
Hear about the "Blonds Aren't Dumb Convention" ?
They hired out a football stadium and it was a complete sell out with thousands of blonde women turning up to prove the point.
The highlight was when a respected university professor chose a random member from the crowd to ask her a simple maths question, the idea being if she gets it right then obviously blondes aren't dumb.
The professor asks "What is 20 multiplied by 12?"
Her reply"222"
"Wrong, the correct answer is 240"
"GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!", shouts the crowd.
So the professor asks a different question, "What is 7 multiplied by 8?
Quick as a flash she answers "74"
"Wrong again says the professor, the answer is 56"
"GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!" shouts the crowd again.
The professor thinks of a much simpler question, "What is 10 multiplied by 10?"
"100" says the blonde enthusiastically.
"GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!" shouts the crowd...
They hired out a football stadium and it was a complete sell out with thousands of blonde women turning up to prove the point.
The highlight was when a respected university professor chose a random member from the crowd to ask her a simple maths question, the idea being if she gets it right then obviously blondes aren't dumb.
The professor asks "What is 20 multiplied by 12?"
Her reply"222"
"Wrong, the correct answer is 240"
"GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!", shouts the crowd.
So the professor asks a different question, "What is 7 multiplied by 8?
Quick as a flash she answers "74"
"Wrong again says the professor, the answer is 56"
"GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!" shouts the crowd again.
The professor thinks of a much simpler question, "What is 10 multiplied by 10?"
"100" says the blonde enthusiastically.
"GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!" shouts the crowd...
FooFighter
Well-Known Forumite
What I did on my summer holiday
By Theo Walcott Esq. aged 8 1/2
I went to a place called Germany with my Uncle Sven and some other grown
up's. It is a country in Europe where a bad man called Adolf used to
live with his nazties, he does not live there anymore, Uncle Owen does
live there, and the grown up's say I cant talk about the bad man as it
will make Uncle Owen cry if I do. In Germany there are lots of castles
and some mountains. We are staying in a place called Baden Baden that's
a silly name, Uncle Frank has the same name as his dad, that's silly
too, his mum must get their underpants mixed up all the time.
On the aeroplane Uncle Sol sat next to me, he got me some toffee and
wants to be my friend, he works at the place where I do my YTS, so does
Uncle Freddy but him and Uncle Sol are not best friends anymore.
Uncle Owen met us at the airport, he talks foreign, Uncle Wayne, Uncle
Steven and Uncle David also talk funny, my mum says Uncle David talks
like Orville, he is a duck, Uncle Sol say's uncle David wears dresses
and knickers, and asked me if I had ever worn them. Uncle Sol got me
some pop.
In Germany the grown ups are going to play football, my grandad says we
beat them in the olden days before my mum was born. That is a long time
ago.
While the grown up's went to play football so I went shopping with
Auntie Vicky and some other girls she bought me a big ice cream and got
herself a little one but she said she was full before she had eaten any
and threw it away. She bought lots of shoes and handbags and let me play
with Brooklyn. She say's she used to be in a pop band and sang me one of
her songs, I think she was telling fibs.
I told Uncle Sol about my day out with Vicky and he sulked, then he
bought me an even bigger ice cream with lots of hundred's & thousands on
it.
All the other grown up's have a girlfriend except Uncle Sol so he plays
with me while they go out. Uncle Sven says I must keep Uncle Sol happy,
that's why I got taken on holiday.
The grown up's went to play Football against somebody called Sweden,
Uncle Sol was crying as Uncle Freddy played for them and would not talk
to him. Uncle Sol bought me lots of toffee today and some crisps. Uncle
Sven is from Sweden and I heard him on the phone to their boss last
night. Uncle Michael hurt his knee and had to go home to his mum for a
plaster. Uncle Peter is a giant, a proper giant like you see in books.
Uncle Wayne had a sore toe at the start of out holiday but it got better
so they let him play football. Uncle Sol got me a present but I do not
like it. He says all Germans wear leather underpants and I should while
we are here, they are too tight for me.
All the grown up's started to call Uncle Wayne a potato head who stood
on somebodys spuds. He got shouted at by the referee. They are all
saying that we have to go home now. Uncle Sol was crying again and I had
to sit on his knee to make him stop. He had his mobile phone in his
pocket, I think.
By Theo Walcott Esq. aged 8 1/2
I went to a place called Germany with my Uncle Sven and some other grown
up's. It is a country in Europe where a bad man called Adolf used to
live with his nazties, he does not live there anymore, Uncle Owen does
live there, and the grown up's say I cant talk about the bad man as it
will make Uncle Owen cry if I do. In Germany there are lots of castles
and some mountains. We are staying in a place called Baden Baden that's
a silly name, Uncle Frank has the same name as his dad, that's silly
too, his mum must get their underpants mixed up all the time.
On the aeroplane Uncle Sol sat next to me, he got me some toffee and
wants to be my friend, he works at the place where I do my YTS, so does
Uncle Freddy but him and Uncle Sol are not best friends anymore.
Uncle Owen met us at the airport, he talks foreign, Uncle Wayne, Uncle
Steven and Uncle David also talk funny, my mum says Uncle David talks
like Orville, he is a duck, Uncle Sol say's uncle David wears dresses
and knickers, and asked me if I had ever worn them. Uncle Sol got me
some pop.
In Germany the grown ups are going to play football, my grandad says we
beat them in the olden days before my mum was born. That is a long time
ago.
While the grown up's went to play football so I went shopping with
Auntie Vicky and some other girls she bought me a big ice cream and got
herself a little one but she said she was full before she had eaten any
and threw it away. She bought lots of shoes and handbags and let me play
with Brooklyn. She say's she used to be in a pop band and sang me one of
her songs, I think she was telling fibs.
I told Uncle Sol about my day out with Vicky and he sulked, then he
bought me an even bigger ice cream with lots of hundred's & thousands on
it.
All the other grown up's have a girlfriend except Uncle Sol so he plays
with me while they go out. Uncle Sven says I must keep Uncle Sol happy,
that's why I got taken on holiday.
The grown up's went to play Football against somebody called Sweden,
Uncle Sol was crying as Uncle Freddy played for them and would not talk
to him. Uncle Sol bought me lots of toffee today and some crisps. Uncle
Sven is from Sweden and I heard him on the phone to their boss last
night. Uncle Michael hurt his knee and had to go home to his mum for a
plaster. Uncle Peter is a giant, a proper giant like you see in books.
Uncle Wayne had a sore toe at the start of out holiday but it got better
so they let him play football. Uncle Sol got me a present but I do not
like it. He says all Germans wear leather underpants and I should while
we are here, they are too tight for me.
All the grown up's started to call Uncle Wayne a potato head who stood
on somebodys spuds. He got shouted at by the referee. They are all
saying that we have to go home now. Uncle Sol was crying again and I had
to sit on his knee to make him stop. He had his mobile phone in his
pocket, I think.
So I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."
I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.
My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bisatchel.
I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He said, "You've got cholera."
So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.
I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue, and I couldn't put it down.
I phoned the local ramblers club today, and this bloke just went on and on.
My mate asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?? I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."
So I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said, "You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana." He said, "No, this is for the custard."
This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."
So this lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.
So I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said "Tenpin?" I said, "No, it's a permanent job."
So I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me on?" I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything."
I phoned the local builders today, I said to them "Can I have a skip outside my house?" He said, "I'm not stopping you!"
So this cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says "Audi!"
So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, "Nearest the bull goes first" He went "Baah" and I went "Moo" He said "You're closest"
So I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought that's Aboriginal.
I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me managing director and I went right off into a tree. The police came and asked me what had happened. I said "I careered off the road"
I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny you couldn't swing a cat in there.
I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on three counts.
I bought a train ticket and the driver said "Eurostar" I said "Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.
I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays."
So I went to the local video shop and I said, "Can I take out The Elephant Man?" He said, "He's not your type." I said "How about Batman Forever?" He said, "No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow"
almost all of those are absolute comedy gold..
Tom Thumb, Cinderella and Quasi Modo are in the pub.
Tom Thumb goes, "You know what, I think I'm the smallest person in the world."
Cinderella goes, "Well, I must be the prettiest girl in the world."
"And I must be the ugliest person in the world," says Quasi.
They all decide to go to the Guinness Book of Records to get it verified.
Tom Thumb goes in first. He comes out five minutes later and goes, "Yep, I'm the smallest person in the world."
Cinderella goes next, "Yes, I am the prettiest girl in the world."
Quasi Modo goes in last.
Five minutes later he emerges and says...
scroll down....
Who's Jimbob23?
Tom Thumb goes, "You know what, I think I'm the smallest person in the world."
Cinderella goes, "Well, I must be the prettiest girl in the world."
"And I must be the ugliest person in the world," says Quasi.
They all decide to go to the Guinness Book of Records to get it verified.
Tom Thumb goes in first. He comes out five minutes later and goes, "Yep, I'm the smallest person in the world."
Cinderella goes next, "Yes, I am the prettiest girl in the world."
Quasi Modo goes in last.
Five minutes later he emerges and says...
scroll down....
Who's Jimbob23?
rich upsetter
Cuffy is the new skill
My girlfriend said she wanted me to tease her, so I said "Alright, Fatty."
rich upsetter
Cuffy is the new skill
The world is a dangerous place; only yesterday I went into Boots and punched someone in the face.
rich upsetter
Cuffy is the new skill
probably been seen before, but these never fail to make me chuckle;
Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
Chuck Norris once commented, "There are few problems in this world that cannot be solved by a swift roundhouse kick to the face. In fact, there are none."
Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.
Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
Chuck Norris got a perfect score on his SAT's, simply by writing Chuck Norris for every answer.
Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck Norris met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a farking Indian.
Chuck Norris once tried to defeat Garry Kasparov in a game of chess. When Norris lost, he won in life by roundhouse kicking Kasparov in the side of the face.
There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.
The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
Crop circles are Chuck Norris' way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the feck down.
Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of “beardâ€. Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus’ obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.
Chuck Norris once walked down the street with a massive erection. There we no survivors.
Chuck Norris doesn’t believe in Germany.
Chuck Norris once ate an entire ream of rice paper and shat out origami swans and Mister Miyagi from Karate Kid.
Chuck Norris is a man of few words. Chuck Norris is not a man of few roundhouse kicks to the face.
The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse actually live in Chuck Norris's nutsack.
When observing a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick in slow motion, one finds that Chuck Norris actually rapes his victim in the ass, smokes a cigarette with Dennis Leary, and then roundhouse kicks them in the face.
Chuck Norris eats transformer toys in vehicle mode and poos them out transformed into a robot.
Chuck Norris only masturbates to pictures of Chuck Norris.
When Chuck Norris played golf for money, chuck marked down a hole in 0 every time, a pro at the golf club, said to Chuck: "excuse me sir, but you cant score zero on a hole". Chuck Norris turned towards the man and said, im Chuck Norris, the man then proceeded to pour gas over his body and set himself on fire because that would be less painful than getting roundhouse kicked by Chuck Norris, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked him in the face anyways.
When you open a can of whoop-ass, Chuck Norris jumps out.
Chuck Norris once tried to wear glasses. The result was him seeing around the world to the point where he was looking at the back of his own head.
Pee Wee Herman got arrested for masturbating in public. The same day, Chuck Norris got an award for masturbating in public.
Chuck Norris never cries, because of this when he's sad he roundhouse kicks himself and it makes him feel better since he knows he is the only one who can survive the roundhouse.
Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris
The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.
Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.
Chuck Norris used live ammunition during all shoot-outs. When a director once said he couldn’t, he replied, “Of course I can, I’m Chuck Norris,†and roundhouse kicked him in the face.
Chuck Norris invented a language that incorporates karate and roundhouse kicks. So next time Chuck Norris is kicking your ass, don’t be offended or hurt, he may be just trying to tell you he likes your hat.
Chuck Norris once round house kicked a baby elephant into puberty
Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
Chuck Norris once commented, "There are few problems in this world that cannot be solved by a swift roundhouse kick to the face. In fact, there are none."
Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.
Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
Chuck Norris got a perfect score on his SAT's, simply by writing Chuck Norris for every answer.
Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck Norris met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a farking Indian.
Chuck Norris once tried to defeat Garry Kasparov in a game of chess. When Norris lost, he won in life by roundhouse kicking Kasparov in the side of the face.
There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.
The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
Crop circles are Chuck Norris' way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the feck down.
Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of “beardâ€. Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus’ obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.
Chuck Norris once walked down the street with a massive erection. There we no survivors.
Chuck Norris doesn’t believe in Germany.
Chuck Norris once ate an entire ream of rice paper and shat out origami swans and Mister Miyagi from Karate Kid.
Chuck Norris is a man of few words. Chuck Norris is not a man of few roundhouse kicks to the face.
The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse actually live in Chuck Norris's nutsack.
When observing a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick in slow motion, one finds that Chuck Norris actually rapes his victim in the ass, smokes a cigarette with Dennis Leary, and then roundhouse kicks them in the face.
Chuck Norris eats transformer toys in vehicle mode and poos them out transformed into a robot.
Chuck Norris only masturbates to pictures of Chuck Norris.
When Chuck Norris played golf for money, chuck marked down a hole in 0 every time, a pro at the golf club, said to Chuck: "excuse me sir, but you cant score zero on a hole". Chuck Norris turned towards the man and said, im Chuck Norris, the man then proceeded to pour gas over his body and set himself on fire because that would be less painful than getting roundhouse kicked by Chuck Norris, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked him in the face anyways.
When you open a can of whoop-ass, Chuck Norris jumps out.
Chuck Norris once tried to wear glasses. The result was him seeing around the world to the point where he was looking at the back of his own head.
Pee Wee Herman got arrested for masturbating in public. The same day, Chuck Norris got an award for masturbating in public.
Chuck Norris never cries, because of this when he's sad he roundhouse kicks himself and it makes him feel better since he knows he is the only one who can survive the roundhouse.
Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris
The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.
Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.
Chuck Norris used live ammunition during all shoot-outs. When a director once said he couldn’t, he replied, “Of course I can, I’m Chuck Norris,†and roundhouse kicked him in the face.
Chuck Norris invented a language that incorporates karate and roundhouse kicks. So next time Chuck Norris is kicking your ass, don’t be offended or hurt, he may be just trying to tell you he likes your hat.
Chuck Norris once round house kicked a baby elephant into puberty
FooFighter
Well-Known Forumite
In a fight between Chuck Norris and God, who would win?
Trick question - Chuck Norris IS God
Trick question - Chuck Norris IS God