1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.
  2. Welcome to Stafford Forum. Please or sign-up and start posting!

Give us a joke... go on it might be funny :)

Discussion in 'General Chat' started by BBC, Oct 3, 2006.

  1. wmrcomputers

    wmrcomputers Stafford PC & laptop repair specialist

    Joined:
    Jul 11, 2008
    Messages:
    6,683
    Likes Received:
    1,945
    I'll never forget my dad's last words to me before he kicked the bucket....

    "Hey, son! Look how far I can kick this bucket!"
     
  2. wmrcomputers

    wmrcomputers Stafford PC & laptop repair specialist

    Joined:
    Jul 11, 2008
    Messages:
    6,683
    Likes Received:
    1,945
    My wife left a note on the fridge saying "Sorry, this isn't working. I've gone to my mums."

    I opened the door and the light came on and my beers were cold, so I don't know what she was going on about.
     
  3. wmrcomputers

    wmrcomputers Stafford PC & laptop repair specialist

    Joined:
    Jul 11, 2008
    Messages:
    6,683
    Likes Received:
    1,945
    What's all this nonsense about people injecting animals with helium gas? Personally I think it's wrong but... whatever floats your goat I suppose.
     
    basil, Laurie61, age'd parent and 4 others like this.
  4. basil

    basil don't mention the blinds

    Joined:
    Feb 11, 2009
    Messages:
    9,019
    Likes Received:
    1,950
    I've eaten too many Christmas decorations,

    Now I've got Tinsilitis !.....
     
  5. basil

    basil don't mention the blinds

    Joined:
    Feb 11, 2009
    Messages:
    9,019
    Likes Received:
    1,950
    What do snowmen use to make snowbabies ?



    Snowballs.....
     
    Floss and Laurie61 like this.
  6. Glam

    Glam Mad Cat Woman

    Joined:
    Nov 6, 2010
    Messages:
    7,839
    Likes Received:
    3,910
    After their baby was born, the panicked father went to see the Obstetrician. ‘Doctor,’ the man said, ‘I don’t mind telling you, but I’m a little upset because my daughter has red hair. She can’t possibly be mine!!’

    ‘Nonsense,’ the doctor said. ‘Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool.’

    ‘It isn’t possible,’ the man insisted. ‘This can’t be, our families on both sides had jet-black hair for generations.’

    ‘Well,’ said the doctor, ‘let me ask you this. How often do you have sex??? ‘

    The man seemed a bit ashamed. ‘I’ve been working very hard for the past year. We only made love once or twice every few months.’

    ‘Well, there you have it!’ The doctor said confidently.

    ‘It’s rust.’
     
    wmrcomputers and Floss like this.
  7. Withnail

    Withnail Well-Known Forumite

    Joined:
    Jan 25, 2010
    Messages:
    17,058
    Likes Received:
    5,209
    An Englishman is being shown around a Scottish hospital.


    At the end of his visit, he is shown into a ward with a number of patients who show no obvious signs of injury. He goes to examine the first man he sees, and the man proclaims:


    Fair fa' yer honest, sonsie face,
    Great chieftain e' the puddin' race!
    Aboon them a' ye tak your place,
    painch tripe or thairm:
    Weel are ye wordy o' a grace
    as lang's my arm.

    The Englishman, somewhat taken aback, goes to the next patient, and immediately the patient launches into:


    Some hae meat, and canna eat,
    And some wad eat that want it,
    But we hae meat and we can eat,
    And sae the Lord be thankit.

    This continues with the next patient:


    Wee sleekit cow'rin tim'rous beastie,
    O what a panic's in thy breastie!
    Thou need na start awa sae hasty,
    wi' bickering brattle.
    I wad be laith to run and chase thee,
    wi' murdering prattle!"

    "Well," the Englishman mutters to his Scottish colleague, "I see you saved the psychiatric ward for the last."


    "Nay, nay," the Scottish doctor corrected him, "this is the Serious Burns unit."
     
    Goldilox, Trumpet, Mikinton and 4 others like this.
  8. John Marwood

    John Marwood I ♥ cryptic crosswords

    Joined:
    Jun 5, 2009
    Messages:
    27,548
    Likes Received:
    7,924
    Lord Coe
     
    Gramaisc likes this.
  9. Amerlan

    Amerlan Well-Known Forumite

    Joined:
    Jan 24, 2016
    Messages:
    153
    Likes Received:
    125
    A frog goes into a bank and approaches the cashier and he can see from her name badge, that her name is Patricia Whack.

    "Miss Whack", he says.

    "I'd like to get a £30,000 loan, so I can buy a new pond"

    Pattie looks at the frog in disbelief and asks him his name?

    The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it should be okay, as he knows the bank manager.

    Pattie explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

    "Sure", he says "I have this", and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, 2 inches tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

    Confused, Pattie explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into the back office.

    "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow £30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral"

    "I mean", She blurts out, holding up the tiny pink elephant. 'What in the world is this?"

    The bank manager looks at her and says..

    "It's a knick-knack, Pattie Whack.

    Give the frog a loan.

    His old man's a Rolling Stone."
     
    wmrcomputers, Floss, Withnail and 2 others like this.
  10. Trumpet

    Trumpet Well-Known Forumite

    Joined:
    Oct 23, 2009
    Messages:
    7,152
    Likes Received:
    3,368
    I recall back in less 'PC' days a similar tale involving an African gentleman.
    Not condoning, just saying like.
    Good to see we've moved on.
     
  11. Mikinton

    Mikinton Well-Known Forumite

    Joined:
    Aug 14, 2011
    Messages:
    1,990
    Likes Received:
    1,145
    A man sees a sign outside a house - 'Talking Dog For Sale' - so he rings the bell, and the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back garden.

    The man goes through to the back and sees a very nice looking Labrador Retriever sitting there licking his balls as dogs do.

    "Do you really talk?" the man asks the dog.

    "Indeed I do." the Labrador replies.

    After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog talk, the man asks, "So, tell me your story."

    The Labrador looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I was sold to MI5 .... and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one imagined that a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for several years".

    "But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at Heathrow Airport to do some undercover security work, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible deals and was awarded several medals".

    "Then I got married, had a few puppies, and now I've just retired."

    The man is amazed, so he goes back into the house and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog.

    "Ten quid," the owner says.

    "£10!!? .... But your dog is absolutely amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?"

    "Because he's a lying bastard. He's never even been out of the garden."
     
    Last edited: Jul 6, 2017
  12. Gramaisc

    Gramaisc Forum O. G.

    Joined:
    May 25, 2008
    Messages:
    45,137
    Likes Received:
    17,252
    He could have been from French West Africa?
     
    Trumpet likes this.
  13. Trumpet

    Trumpet Well-Known Forumite

    Joined:
    Oct 23, 2009
    Messages:
    7,152
    Likes Received:
    3,368
    Good call.
     
    Gramaisc likes this.
  14. wmrcomputers

    wmrcomputers Stafford PC & laptop repair specialist

    Joined:
    Jul 11, 2008
    Messages:
    6,683
    Likes Received:
    1,945
    A bit blue, but here goes. Don't read if easily offended.

    I phoned the paper to place a personal ad.

    "How would you like the advert wording?" the woman asks.

    Premature ejaculator seeks gorgeous blonde with massive ti..... oh wait it doesn't matter anymore!
     
    Glam likes this.
  15. BobClay

    BobClay Well-Known Forumite

    Joined:
    Dec 4, 2016
    Messages:
    1,884
    Likes Received:
    2,342
    BREAKING NEWS !!
    Teacher Arrested
    A public school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, a slide-rule and a calculator.
    At a morning press conference, Attorney General Jeff Sessions said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement.
    He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.
    ...Al-Gebra is a problem for us', the Attorney General said. 'They derive solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values.' They use secret code names like "X" and "Y" and refer to themselves as "unknowns" but we have determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country.
    As the Greek philosopher Isosceles used to say, "There are 3 sides to every triangle."
    When asked to comment on the arrest, President Trump said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, he would have given us more fingers and toes."
    White House aides told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the President
     
    Mikinton likes this.
  16. wmrcomputers

    wmrcomputers Stafford PC & laptop repair specialist

    Joined:
    Jul 11, 2008
    Messages:
    6,683
    Likes Received:
    1,945
    I drank a full bottle of TipEx last night before I went to bed

    .... woke up this morning with a massive correction!
     
    age'd parent, Trumpet and acpoynton like this.
  17. BobClay

    BobClay Well-Known Forumite

    Joined:
    Dec 4, 2016
    Messages:
    1,884
    Likes Received:
    2,342
    I had to suffer this joke, so it's only fair I spread the suffering:

    The sad tale of Aehuq'mjore Yeehrne ( or Ernie for short)



    The Esquimoes folk lore has a tale of a great chieftain called Aehuq'mjore Yeehrne ( or Ernie for short).


    In those days, the Esquimoes used canoes; as did all the North American tribes


    However, Aehuq'mjore Yeehrne ( or Ernie for short), was p***ed off with the cold, cold Arctic seas and, having studied canoe/ship construction and stability; came up with the idea that if you covered the canoe, it did not affect the stability and off he went afishing and harpooning, as Esquomes do.


    The canoe was still too cold , however; and after further consideration, he realised that he could half the canoe's size; which made it a bit more warmer.Off he went a fishing and harpooning.


    This was still not very satisfactory, so he hit upon the brilliant idea of installing a q'lliq ( the small heating lamp Esquimoes use in their igloos )in the half sized covered canoe. Off he went afishing and harpooning !!!


    However , the seas became rather rough and the q'lliq tipped over , setting fire to the half sized covered canoe; so poor Aehuq'mjore Yeehrne ( or Ernie for short) drowned.


    Since then , the Esquimoes have had a saying, which roughly translated into English is " You cannot half your kayak and heat it ."
     
    Last edited: Aug 6, 2017
    Trumpet, Glam and Gramaisc like this.
  18. Mikinton

    Mikinton Well-Known Forumite

    Joined:
    Aug 14, 2011
    Messages:
    1,990
    Likes Received:
    1,145
    Apparently the autopsy on Bruce Forsyth has concluded he died of a seizure.

    "Nice to seizure, to seizure .... nice"
     
  19. BobClay

    BobClay Well-Known Forumite

    Joined:
    Dec 4, 2016
    Messages:
    1,884
    Likes Received:
    2,342
    My joke Groan-O-Meter has been returned to me fully repaired, so I decided to test it with this joke:

    A bleeding three legged dog walks into a western saloon and says "I'm lookin' for the man who shot ma Paw."

    It exploded!! :tumbleweed:
     
    Gramaisc likes this.
  20. Mikinton

    Mikinton Well-Known Forumite

    Joined:
    Aug 14, 2011
    Messages:
    1,990
    Likes Received:
    1,145
    Trumpet, Gramaisc and Glam like this.

Share This Page