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Mikinton
Well-Known Forumite
Need a foolproof way to get your girlfriend back?
O.K. This is how it goes.
You get an orangutan. I'm not talking a monkey or some dancing chimp BS. I mean a damn orangutan. Don't ask me how you're gonna get an orangutan. That's not my problem. So the orangutan's name is Clyde. This is non-negotiable; all orangutans are named Clyde. I don't know why this is; it's just how the world works.
So you and Clyde become man (and ape) about town. You're seen everywhere together; you make the scene. You and friends go out in big groups. You talk loud, you laugh louder. Every time you say something witty you high-five the orangutan. The town begins to buzz.
It gets back to her. "Did you know the guy with the orangutan?". "You used to date the guy with the orangutan?". "Why would you break up with a guy with an orangutan?".
Next thing you know she's calling. "I'm hoping we can still be friends. Wanna hang out sometime?"
"Geez I dunno. Me and Clyde were going to a monster truck race tonight ... (orangutans love monster trucks). In fact the whole social calendar seems kinda full. I tell you what, I'll make a little note (what was your name again?) and maybe I can squeeze you in. Oh, well you know my number so don't be a stra- ... Hey look at the time! I gotta skate, Clyde's making Mojitos."
At this point the upper hand is yours. You can let her twist in the wind; you can draw her back into your life at the pace you decide. Whatever, it's your life. But if you're a smart man, you slowly phase her back in. You're IM'ing. You're talking on Live. You get invited to family functions. You bring Clyde, he becomes like one of the family. You're one big Brady Bunch.
O.K. This is how it goes.
You get an orangutan. I'm not talking a monkey or some dancing chimp BS. I mean a damn orangutan. Don't ask me how you're gonna get an orangutan. That's not my problem. So the orangutan's name is Clyde. This is non-negotiable; all orangutans are named Clyde. I don't know why this is; it's just how the world works.
So you and Clyde become man (and ape) about town. You're seen everywhere together; you make the scene. You and friends go out in big groups. You talk loud, you laugh louder. Every time you say something witty you high-five the orangutan. The town begins to buzz.
It gets back to her. "Did you know the guy with the orangutan?". "You used to date the guy with the orangutan?". "Why would you break up with a guy with an orangutan?".
Next thing you know she's calling. "I'm hoping we can still be friends. Wanna hang out sometime?"
"Geez I dunno. Me and Clyde were going to a monster truck race tonight ... (orangutans love monster trucks). In fact the whole social calendar seems kinda full. I tell you what, I'll make a little note (what was your name again?) and maybe I can squeeze you in. Oh, well you know my number so don't be a stra- ... Hey look at the time! I gotta skate, Clyde's making Mojitos."
At this point the upper hand is yours. You can let her twist in the wind; you can draw her back into your life at the pace you decide. Whatever, it's your life. But if you're a smart man, you slowly phase her back in. You're IM'ing. You're talking on Live. You get invited to family functions. You bring Clyde, he becomes like one of the family. You're one big Brady Bunch.
BobClay
Well-Known Forumite
I did a bit of time going in and out of the Persian Gulf, often joining and leaving ships at the entrance.
I was surprised at the United Arab Emirates and their attitude to the TV cartoon show "The Flintstones."
Apparently the people who live in Dubai don't watch the show ... but the people in Abu Dhabi do. (clash of symbols and drum roll.)
I was surprised at the United Arab Emirates and their attitude to the TV cartoon show "The Flintstones."
Apparently the people who live in Dubai don't watch the show ... but the people in Abu Dhabi do. (clash of symbols and drum roll.)
BobClay
Well-Known Forumite
Examining my performance reports after all those years of working makes me feel proud .... 
1) "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock-bottom and has started to dig."
2) "I would not allow this employee to breed."
3) "This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be."
4) "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."
5) "When he opens his mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet."
6) "He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."
7) "This young man has delusions of adequacy."
8) "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."
9) "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."
10) "This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better."
11) "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together."
12) "A gross ignoramus...144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."
13) "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier.."
14) "I would like to go hunting with him sometime."
15) "He's been working with glue too much."
16) "He would argue with a signpost."
17) "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."
18) "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."
19) "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one."
20) "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."
21) "A prime candidate for natural de-selection.."
22) "Donated his brain to science before he was through using it."
23) "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train ain't coming."
24) "He's got two brains, one is lost and the other is out looking for it."
25) "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."
26) "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."
27) "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."
28) "It's hard to believe he beat off 1,000,000 other sperm."
29) "One neuron short of a synapse."
30) "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."
31) "Takes him 2 hours to watch a 60 minute show."
32) "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead."
1) "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock-bottom and has started to dig."
2) "I would not allow this employee to breed."
3) "This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be."
4) "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."
5) "When he opens his mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet."
6) "He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."
7) "This young man has delusions of adequacy."
8) "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."
9) "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."
10) "This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better."
11) "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together."
12) "A gross ignoramus...144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."
13) "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier.."
14) "I would like to go hunting with him sometime."
15) "He's been working with glue too much."
16) "He would argue with a signpost."
17) "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."
18) "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."
19) "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one."
20) "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."
21) "A prime candidate for natural de-selection.."
22) "Donated his brain to science before he was through using it."
23) "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train ain't coming."
24) "He's got two brains, one is lost and the other is out looking for it."
25) "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."
26) "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."
27) "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."
28) "It's hard to believe he beat off 1,000,000 other sperm."
29) "One neuron short of a synapse."
30) "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."
31) "Takes him 2 hours to watch a 60 minute show."
32) "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead."
wmrcomputers
Stafford PC & laptop repair specialist
A magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different each week, so the magician did the same tricks over and over again.
There was one problem. The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show "Look, it's not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table," or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"
The magician was furious, but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the captain's parrot. Then the ship sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the sea with, as fate would have it, the parrot.
They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and then another and then another.
Finally on the fourth day, the parrot could not hold back and said,
"OK, I give up. Where's the f***ing ship?"
There was one problem. The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show "Look, it's not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table," or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"
The magician was furious, but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the captain's parrot. Then the ship sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the sea with, as fate would have it, the parrot.
They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and then another and then another.
Finally on the fourth day, the parrot could not hold back and said,
"OK, I give up. Where's the f***ing ship?"
BobClay
Well-Known Forumite
A man came home from work and found his 5 children outside, still in their pyjamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn around garden.
The door of his wife’s car was open, as was the front door to the house and no sign of the dog, walking in the door, he found …an even bigger mess.
A lamp had been knocked over, the throw rug was against one wall, In the front room the TV was on loudly with the cartoon channel, the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing.
In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, the fridge door was open wide, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.
He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she might be ill, or that something serious had happened. He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way out the bathroom door.
As he peered inside he found wet towels, scummy soap and more toys strewn over the floor. Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and toothpaste had been smeared over the mirror and walls.
As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up in the bed in her pyjamas, reading a novel…She looked up at him, smiled and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked, ‘What happened here today?’ She again smiled and answered, ‘You know every day when you come home from work and you ask me what in the world do I do all day?
”Yes,” was his incredulous reply.
She answered, ‘Well, today I didn’t do it.'
The door of his wife’s car was open, as was the front door to the house and no sign of the dog, walking in the door, he found …an even bigger mess.
A lamp had been knocked over, the throw rug was against one wall, In the front room the TV was on loudly with the cartoon channel, the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing.
In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, the fridge door was open wide, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.
He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she might be ill, or that something serious had happened. He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way out the bathroom door.
As he peered inside he found wet towels, scummy soap and more toys strewn over the floor. Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and toothpaste had been smeared over the mirror and walls.
As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up in the bed in her pyjamas, reading a novel…She looked up at him, smiled and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked, ‘What happened here today?’ She again smiled and answered, ‘You know every day when you come home from work and you ask me what in the world do I do all day?
”Yes,” was his incredulous reply.
She answered, ‘Well, today I didn’t do it.'
Mikinton
Well-Known Forumite
Mikinton
Well-Known Forumite
The funny thing is, it's only just catching on. I even saw a tweet saying it was the funniest thing of 2018, presumably relating the snow shovel to the recent bad weather in the States.
It's years old. Here's a blog from August 2013. http://joe-bower.blogspot.co.uk/2013/08/when-i-grow-up-i-want-to-be-like-mommy.html
ETA And fake. What kid uses an ellipsis?
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BobClay
Well-Known Forumite
Two alligators are sitting on the edge of a swamp. The small one turns to the big one and says, "I don't understand how you can be so much bigger than I am. We're the same age, we were the same size as kids... I just don't get it."
"Well," says the big alligator, "what have you been eating?"
"Lawyers, same as you," replies the small alligator.
"Hmm. Well, where do you catch 'em?"
"Down at that law firm on the edge of the swamp."
"Same here. Hmm. How do you catch 'em?"
"Well, I crawl under a BMW and wait for someone to unlock the door. Then I jump out, bite 'em, shake the crap out of 'em, and eat 'em!"
"Ah!" says the big alligator, "I think I see your problem. See, by the time you get done shakin' the crap out of a lawyer, there's nothing left but lips and a briefcase..."
"Well," says the big alligator, "what have you been eating?"
"Lawyers, same as you," replies the small alligator.
"Hmm. Well, where do you catch 'em?"
"Down at that law firm on the edge of the swamp."
"Same here. Hmm. How do you catch 'em?"
"Well, I crawl under a BMW and wait for someone to unlock the door. Then I jump out, bite 'em, shake the crap out of 'em, and eat 'em!"
"Ah!" says the big alligator, "I think I see your problem. See, by the time you get done shakin' the crap out of a lawyer, there's nothing left but lips and a briefcase..."
BobClay
Well-Known Forumite
There was a biology student Murdock who was studying balance in sea birds with a specific focus on terns.
He proposed that giving measured doses of THC (marijuana) and observing their flight patterns would give some clue to the problems of balance in 3D space.
This proposal being given in a more liberal era, the student got the funding.
Murdock filled out thousands of forms, set up a lab with a ready supply of terns, and proceeded on his way.
After a year of diligent work, grovelling monthly before the review committee to get his stipend, and living with drugged terns, he completed his study.
With trembling hands, he delivered his 347-page report, complete with charts and graphs, to the review committee.
The august body perused his study, asking penetrating questions and reducing Murdock to jelly. Finally, the department head talked.
The light reflected off her horn-rimmed glasses as she stared down at Murdock.
“There is a lot of good work here,” she said. “But we can’t accept this report. You have detailed marvellously the effects of THC on terns but you forgot one essential step: you have no control group.”
Murdock turned pale and said, “You don’t mean…”
“Yes. I’m afraid so. You left no tern un-stoned.”
He proposed that giving measured doses of THC (marijuana) and observing their flight patterns would give some clue to the problems of balance in 3D space.
This proposal being given in a more liberal era, the student got the funding.
Murdock filled out thousands of forms, set up a lab with a ready supply of terns, and proceeded on his way.
After a year of diligent work, grovelling monthly before the review committee to get his stipend, and living with drugged terns, he completed his study.
With trembling hands, he delivered his 347-page report, complete with charts and graphs, to the review committee.
The august body perused his study, asking penetrating questions and reducing Murdock to jelly. Finally, the department head talked.
The light reflected off her horn-rimmed glasses as she stared down at Murdock.
“There is a lot of good work here,” she said. “But we can’t accept this report. You have detailed marvellously the effects of THC on terns but you forgot one essential step: you have no control group.”
Murdock turned pale and said, “You don’t mean…”
“Yes. I’m afraid so. You left no tern un-stoned.”
