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Glam
Mad Cat Woman
Eve Has a Chat with God
"Lord, I have a problem."
"What's the problem, Eve?"
"I know that you created me and provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals as well as that hilarious comedian of a snake, but I'm just not happy."
"And why is that, Eve?"
"Lord, I am lonely, and I'm sick to death of apples."
"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you."
"A man? What is that, Lord?"
"A flawed creature, with many bad traits. He'll lie, cheat, and be vain. All in all, he'll give you a hard time. But he'll be bigger, faster and will like to hunt and kill things.
I'll create him in such a way that he will satisfy your physical needs. He will be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about.
He won't be as smart as you so he will also need your advice to think properly."
"Sounds great," says Eve, with ironically raised eyebrows, "but what's the catch, Lord?"
"Well, you can have him on one condition."
"And what's that, Lord? "
"As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant, and self-admiring...so you'll have to let him believe that I made him first, and it will have to be our little secret...you know, woman to woman!"
"Lord, I have a problem."
"What's the problem, Eve?"
"I know that you created me and provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals as well as that hilarious comedian of a snake, but I'm just not happy."
"And why is that, Eve?"
"Lord, I am lonely, and I'm sick to death of apples."
"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you."
"A man? What is that, Lord?"
"A flawed creature, with many bad traits. He'll lie, cheat, and be vain. All in all, he'll give you a hard time. But he'll be bigger, faster and will like to hunt and kill things.
I'll create him in such a way that he will satisfy your physical needs. He will be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about.
He won't be as smart as you so he will also need your advice to think properly."
"Sounds great," says Eve, with ironically raised eyebrows, "but what's the catch, Lord?"
"Well, you can have him on one condition."
"And what's that, Lord? "
"As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant, and self-admiring...so you'll have to let him believe that I made him first, and it will have to be our little secret...you know, woman to woman!"
Glam
Mad Cat Woman
Man and his wife retire to bed.
Both go to their separate beds, .
The man calls over to his wife, "My little boopey-boo, I'm lonely."
So the woman gets out of bed and crosses the room to the husband. On the way she trips on the carpet and falls on her face.
The husband with a concerned look on his face says, "Oh, did my little honey-woney fall on her little nosey-wosey?"
The woman gets up and enters the man's bed.
The two have passionate sex and afterwards the woman rolls out.
As she returns to her bed, she once again catches her foot on the carpet and falls flat on her face.
The man looks over his shoulder at his wife lying on the floor and says, "clumsy bitch!!.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One day John is walking along the road when he bumps into Jim, a scouse friend who he went to school with:
Jim is richly dressed and standing next to a brand new car.
John remembers, that Jim was never too bright in school so he wonders how come he seems to be doing so well.
Jim says. "Well, I recently opened a jewelry store in Town and last month I opened two down south."
John is confused and asks. "You opened three jewelry stores in two months? How?"
"With a crowbar!"
Both go to their separate beds, .
The man calls over to his wife, "My little boopey-boo, I'm lonely."
So the woman gets out of bed and crosses the room to the husband. On the way she trips on the carpet and falls on her face.
The husband with a concerned look on his face says, "Oh, did my little honey-woney fall on her little nosey-wosey?"
The woman gets up and enters the man's bed.
The two have passionate sex and afterwards the woman rolls out.
As she returns to her bed, she once again catches her foot on the carpet and falls flat on her face.
The man looks over his shoulder at his wife lying on the floor and says, "clumsy bitch!!.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One day John is walking along the road when he bumps into Jim, a scouse friend who he went to school with:
Jim is richly dressed and standing next to a brand new car.
John remembers, that Jim was never too bright in school so he wonders how come he seems to be doing so well.
Jim says. "Well, I recently opened a jewelry store in Town and last month I opened two down south."
John is confused and asks. "You opened three jewelry stores in two months? How?"
"With a crowbar!"
Studio Tan
Well-Known Forumite
Jeremy’s been axed thank God (that’s ‘Kyle’ not ‘Corbyn’).
It’s not widely known, but they tried to broaden the show’s appeal by highlighting middle-class problems, but it didn’t make it past the pilot stage :
It’s not widely known, but they tried to broaden the show’s appeal by highlighting middle-class problems, but it didn’t make it past the pilot stage :
Gramaisc
Forum O. G.
When GEC 'merged' with the French companies in the 80s, some of those who worked for GEC Plessey Telecommunications (a typically snappy GEC company name, which was usually abbreviated to GPT, by those with a vestige of the will to live) would seek to ingratiate themselves with their French colleagues by pronouncing GPT in a 'French' manner - this made it sound like they were saying "j'ai pété".
It still amuses me thirty years later....
It still amuses me thirty years later....
BobClay
Well-Known Forumite
One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he
asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money
from you, I'm doing community service this week.'
The florist was pleased and left the shop.
When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a
'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.
Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill,
the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing
community service this week.'
The cop was happy and left the shop.
The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank
you' card and a dozen doughnuts waiting for him at his door.
Then a Member of Parliament came in for a haircut, and when he went to
pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from
you. I'm doing community service this week.'
The Member of Parliament was very happy and left the shop.
The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen
Members of Parliament lined up waiting for a free haircut.
And that illustrates the fundamental difference between
the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.
asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money
from you, I'm doing community service this week.'
The florist was pleased and left the shop.
When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a
'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.
Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill,
the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing
community service this week.'
The cop was happy and left the shop.
The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank
you' card and a dozen doughnuts waiting for him at his door.
Then a Member of Parliament came in for a haircut, and when he went to
pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from
you. I'm doing community service this week.'
The Member of Parliament was very happy and left the shop.
The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen
Members of Parliament lined up waiting for a free haircut.
And that illustrates the fundamental difference between
the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.
BobClay
Well-Known Forumite
Eskimo goes into the local Eskimo restaurant and asks waiter what's on the menu.
Waiter says: "We've got fried whale meat, boiled whale meat, whale meat stew and our Vera Lynn dish".
Eskimo says: "The Vera Lynn dish sounds interesting, what's in it?"
Waiter replies: "Whale meat again, don't know where don't know when...…."
(Ok Ok, I know it's bad. But I laughed.)
Waiter says: "We've got fried whale meat, boiled whale meat, whale meat stew and our Vera Lynn dish".
Eskimo says: "The Vera Lynn dish sounds interesting, what's in it?"
Waiter replies: "Whale meat again, don't know where don't know when...…."
(Ok Ok, I know it's bad. But I laughed.)
)