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Discussion in 'General Chat' started by BBC, Oct 3, 2006.
Get a life, boy.
Boris Johnson gets lost, whilst travelling in a hot air balloon. After hours wandering aimlessly, he spots a man below him: "Excuse me. Can you tell me where we are? I seem to have lost my way and I promised to meet some friends for dinner."
"You're at 31 degrees, 14.57 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude," he replies.
"You must be a Scientist."
"I am. How did you know?"
"Because everything you told me is technically correct, but the information is useless, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've been no help."
"You must be a Tory."
"Yes. How did you know?"
"You've risen to where you are due to a lot of hot air, you made a promise you couldn't keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but somehow, now it's my fault."
All this talk of cottage pies has reminded me of, I think, Bob Monkhouse, who said something like:-
"My mother's cottage pie was absolutely authentic - you could actually taste the wallpaper."
The Queen bought Prince Philip a Fox Fur hat for the cold weather...
couple of months later he said to the Queen "here liz i've been invited to a shoot for the weekend near Barnsley"
the Queen said "wear the fox hat phil"...
Phil said " near Bolton i think
Florida woman saved from gator by .22 pistol
Florida Woman Slows Alligator attack using just a small .22 caliber Ruger Pistol.
This is a story of self-control and marksmanship by a brave, cool-headed woman with a small pistol against a fierce predator.
Here's her story in her own words: "While walking along the edge of a pond just outside my house in the Villages discussing a property settlement with my soon-to-be ex-husband, and other divorce issues, we were surprised by a huge 12-ft alligator which suddenly emerged from the murky water. It began charging us with its large jaws wide open. She must have been protecting her nest because she was extremely aggressive.”
"If I had not had my little Ruger .22 caliber pistol with me, I would not be here today! Just one shot to my estranged husband's knee was all it took. The gator got him easily, and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace. The amount I saved in lawyer's fees was really incredible and his life insurance was also a big bonus!”
Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend to Husband and noticed a distinct slowdown in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend.
In addition, Husband uninstalled many other valuable programmes, such as Romance and Personal Attention and then installed undesirable programs such as Rugby , Football, Sailing and Continuous TV. Conversation no longer runs, and Housecleaning simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging to fix these problems, but to no avail.
What can I do?
First keep in mind, Boyfriend is an Entertainment Package, while Husband is an Operating System. Please enter the command: 'http: I Thought You Loved Me.html' and try to download Tears.
Don't forget to install the Guilt update. If that application works as designed, Husband should then automatically run the applications Jewellery and Flowers, but remember - overuse of the above application can cause Husband to default to Grumpy Silence, Garden Shed or Beer. Beer is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.
Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources). Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband.
In summary, Husband is a great system, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. It also tends to work better running one task at a time. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Food and Hot Lingerie.
What about installing ‘Boyfriend .1’ on a partitioned hard drive ?
Buy a new hard drive, format it and start from scratch. (Providing there's room under the patio to bury the old hard drive.)
No Nativity this year because the 3 Wise Men face a travel ban.
The shepherds have been furloughed.
The Inn keeper has shut under tier 3 regulations and had a slump in bookings.
Santa won't be working as he would break the rule of 6 with Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Donner and Blitzen.
As for Rudolph, with that red nose, he should be isolating and taking a test.
However, I do believe Santa is a keyworker so I am expecting a visit!
I shot Santa last year. I will not have old gits clumping about on my roof. Sold all the toys on Ebay.
So he won't be emptying his sack round my house, again, this year?
<------ (decides to keep gob shut.)
That's a first!
Reminds me of the old joke about the House of Lords Nativity Play having to be cancelled because of casting problems. They couldn't find three wise men either.
A priest a minister and a rabbit walk into a bar, "what you having mate?" says the barman to the rabbit.,"dunno" says the rabbit "I don't really drink, I'm only here because of autocorrect."
A text to a neighbour:
Hi, Max. This is Richard, next door. I've been riddled with guilt for a
few months and have been trying to get up the courage to tell you
face-to-face. When you're not around, I've been sharing your wife, day and
night, probably much more than you. I haven't been getting it at home
recently. I know that's no excuse. The temptation was just too great. I
can't live with the guilt & hope you'll accept my sincere apology and
forgive me. Please suggest a fee for usage and I'll pay you. Richard
Max, feeling enraged and betrayed, grabbed his gun, went next door, and
shot Richard dead. He returned home, shot his wife, poured himself a stiff
drink and sat down on the sofa. Max then looked at his phone and discovered
a second text message from Richard.
SECOND TEXT MESSAGE:
Hi, Max. Richard here again. Sorry about the typo on my last text. I
assume you figured it out and noticed that the darned Spell-Check had
changed "wi-fi" to "wife." Technology, huh? It'll be the death of us all.
A man once told his son that if he wanted to live a long life the secret was to sprinkle a little gunpowder on his cornflakes every morning.
The son did this religiously every morning, and lived to be 93.
When he died, he left 6 children, 11 grandchildren, 27 great-grandchildren,
and a 15-foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.
Had a chap round to do a number of small jobs. I gave him a list but he only did jobs 1,3 5 and 7. Turns out he was an odd job man.