It was Thursday morning, Daddy had booked the day off of work to go Christmas shopping with Mummy.
‘Ohhh, it will be nice to have a bit of help during the morning rush!’ Mummy thought.
1. At 6am, Daddy, Mummy and the children began their day, as Mummy began to label a pear then ensured the eldest child had everything she needed for her day at school, Daddy sat in his dressing gown, engrossed in the Wiggles.
2. At 6:15am, Mummy prepared breakfast for both of the small humans, she popped upstairs to fetch both of their outfits for the day, on her way asking Daddy if he would mind keeping an eye on HIS, his own children whom were both tucking into their chocolate hoops happily.
3. On returning from fetching the children’s outfits, Mummy noticed Daddy, whom was still sat in the same spot- still watching the Wiggles in his dressing gown, simply hadn’t noticed that the youngest child had distributed her chocolate hoops all around the kitchen. ‘For feck sakes!’ Thought Mummy. ‘is it that bloody difficult to supervise for 2 minutes?’
4. Mummy then attempted to apply a coating of make up onto her tired looking face, she managed to achieve the final look of- still absolutely bollocksed but trying to hide it with only 25 mini intervals of chaos, all whilst of course, Daddy sat in his dressing gown, watching the Wiggles.
5. As Mummy casually mentioned it was nearly time to get both children dressed, their hair brushed and their shoes on, Daddy realised he instantly needed a wee.
6. Daddy magically returned 45 minutes later, after both children had been lovingly dressed...both looking smart complete with styled hair, and their shoes placed firmly on their feet. Daddy was still not dressed. Daddy then announced that he would need to iron his shirt before he could possibly complete his getting ready routine.
7. Mummy was starting to get a little bit loved off with Daddy the cockwomble, whom had been of the use equivalent to a twatting chocolate fireplace during the getting ready routine, Mummy’s face said it all.
8. “What’s wrong with you?” The cockwomble questioned Mummy, genuinely oblivious to the chaos unravelling around him as he ironed his shirt. “Oh nothing darling, I’m enjoying the help!” Replied Mummy in her best sarcastic tone.
9. When Daddy had finally completed his get ready routine and Mummy had completed everyone else’s apart from her own, she then asked him if it would be ok with him if she nipped back upstairs to get herself dressed. The cockwomble then decided this would be a brilliant time to announce he now needed to put the bin out.
10. Master bin man Daddy was appalled by Mummy’s bad attitude when she asked him if he could possibly wait 5 twatting minutes to put the bin out, just whilst she put some clean knickers on upstairs without an audience, without being asked why her fanny resembled Fluffy the long haired Guinea pig.
11. Mummy packed the smallest child’s bag for a day at Grandma’s house, she asked Daddy whom had now managed the stressful task of getting himself dressed and resumed his position in front of the Wiggles, if he would mind just popping a packet of wet wipes into the bag. Daddy then moved at the speed of a sloth, looking from left to right, pretending to look for the pack of wipes which were exactly where they always were. In the draw. “Where are the wipes??” Daddy enquired, in attempt to piss Mummy off so much...she would fetch them herself.
12. After 54 disagreements over a plastic pig, two nappy changes, one heartbreak over a broken flashing wand, 20,000 never ending requests for cups of juice and a world ending realisation that today it was a pear for snack and not grapes, all whilst Daddy watched the TV or got himself ready for the day, everyone was finally ready to leave the house.
13. “You get the kids in the car!” Daddy said to Mummy whom was putting on the children’s coats. The cockwomble had forgotten to put out the bin whilst he had been so busy watching children’s programmes.
“One job!” Laughed Mummy. “You had one job!”
“Well apparently it wasn’t convenient!” Snapped Daddy whom hadn’t worked out that in the 3 hours he had to put the bin out he chose the exact moment Mummy needed to get dressed.
It was Mummy’s fault.
It was all Mummy’s fault.
What a selfish bitch she was, trying to get herself dressed.
“I don’t understand why you are so grumpy today?” Daddy asked Mummy.
“No neither do I? After all that help I’ve had this morning too!!” Snapped Mummy.
Mummy and Daddy went Christmas shopping, and Mummy heard all about how hungry Daddy was in every-single-sodding-shop due to him not having time to grab any breakfast...thanks to the strenuous and time consuming job of putting the bin out.
“I know! Let’s go out for dinner!” Mummy suggested, with a cunning plan to get absolutely shitfaced whilst the cockwomble was the designated driver.
“Let’s get you fed, you’ve had an extremely busy morning putting the bin out.”