Give us a joke... go on it might be funny :)


Well-Known Forumite


Mad Cat Woman
It was Thursday morning, Daddy had booked the day off of work to go Christmas shopping with Mummy.
‘Ohhh, it will be nice to have a bit of help during the morning rush!’ Mummy thought.

1. At 6am, Daddy, Mummy and the children began their day, as Mummy began to label a pear then ensured the eldest child had everything she needed for her day at school, Daddy sat in his dressing gown, engrossed in the Wiggles.
2. At 6:15am, Mummy prepared breakfast for both of the small humans, she popped upstairs to fetch both of their outfits for the day, on her way asking Daddy if he would mind keeping an eye on HIS, his own children whom were both tucking into their chocolate hoops happily.
3. On returning from fetching the children’s outfits, Mummy noticed Daddy, whom was still sat in the same spot- still watching the Wiggles in his dressing gown, simply hadn’t noticed that the youngest child had distributed her chocolate hoops all around the kitchen. ‘For feck sakes!’ Thought Mummy. ‘is it that bloody difficult to supervise for 2 minutes?’
4. Mummy then attempted to apply a coating of make up onto her tired looking face, she managed to achieve the final look of- still absolutely bollocksed but trying to hide it with only 25 mini intervals of chaos, all whilst of course, Daddy sat in his dressing gown, watching the Wiggles.
5. As Mummy casually mentioned it was nearly time to get both children dressed, their hair brushed and their shoes on, Daddy realised he instantly needed a wee.
6. Daddy magically returned 45 minutes later, after both children had been lovingly dressed...both looking smart complete with styled hair, and their shoes placed firmly on their feet. Daddy was still not dressed. Daddy then announced that he would need to iron his shirt before he could possibly complete his getting ready routine.
7. Mummy was starting to get a little bit loved off with Daddy the cockwomble, whom had been of the use equivalent to a twatting chocolate fireplace during the getting ready routine, Mummy’s face said it all.
8. “What’s wrong with you?” The cockwomble questioned Mummy, genuinely oblivious to the chaos unravelling around him as he ironed his shirt. “Oh nothing darling, I’m enjoying the help!” Replied Mummy in her best sarcastic tone.
9. When Daddy had finally completed his get ready routine and Mummy had completed everyone else’s apart from her own, she then asked him if it would be ok with him if she nipped back upstairs to get herself dressed. The cockwomble then decided this would be a brilliant time to announce he now needed to put the bin out.
10. Master bin man Daddy was appalled by Mummy’s bad attitude when she asked him if he could possibly wait 5 twatting minutes to put the bin out, just whilst she put some clean knickers on upstairs without an audience, without being asked why her fanny resembled Fluffy the long haired Guinea pig.
11. Mummy packed the smallest child’s bag for a day at Grandma’s house, she asked Daddy whom had now managed the stressful task of getting himself dressed and resumed his position in front of the Wiggles, if he would mind just popping a packet of wet wipes into the bag. Daddy then moved at the speed of a sloth, looking from left to right, pretending to look for the pack of wipes which were exactly where they always were. In the draw. “Where are the wipes??” Daddy enquired, in attempt to piss Mummy off so much...she would fetch them herself.
12. After 54 disagreements over a plastic pig, two nappy changes, one heartbreak over a broken flashing wand, 20,000 never ending requests for cups of juice and a world ending realisation that today it was a pear for snack and not grapes, all whilst Daddy watched the TV or got himself ready for the day, everyone was finally ready to leave the house.
13. “You get the kids in the car!” Daddy said to Mummy whom was putting on the children’s coats. The cockwomble had forgotten to put out the bin whilst he had been so busy watching children’s programmes.
“One job!” Laughed Mummy. “You had one job!”
“Well apparently it wasn’t convenient!” Snapped Daddy whom hadn’t worked out that in the 3 hours he had to put the bin out he chose the exact moment Mummy needed to get dressed.
It was Mummy’s fault.
It was all Mummy’s fault.
What a selfish bitch she was, trying to get herself dressed.
“I don’t understand why you are so grumpy today?” Daddy asked Mummy.
“No neither do I? After all that help I’ve had this morning too!!” Snapped Mummy.
Mummy and Daddy went Christmas shopping, and Mummy heard all about how hungry Daddy was in every-single-sodding-shop due to him not having time to grab any breakfast...thanks to the strenuous and time consuming job of putting the bin out.
“I know! Let’s go out for dinner!” Mummy suggested, with a cunning plan to get absolutely shitfaced whilst the cockwomble was the designated driver.
“Let’s get you fed, you’ve had an extremely busy morning putting the bin out.”


Mad Cat Woman
Probably been posted loads of times, but I really don't care!


When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the pre-Christmas pressure.
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where!? Then when he began to load the sleigh, he dropped his sack and all the toys were scattered in the snow!
Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it shattered into hundreds of little glass shards all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom!
Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said very cheerfully, “Merry Christmas Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to put it?”
And that, my dear, is how began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

Not a lot of people know this.


Well-Known Forumite
My mate had his luggage stolen on the way back from holiday. When it was found the thieves had left just the handle and wheels.

He took them to the Police but they said they wouldn’t be pursuing it as he didn’t have much of a case


Mad Cat Woman
One day Harry the Eagle waited at the nest for Mary, his darling of 10 glorious years.
After a while when she didn't return he went looking and found her. She had been shot dead!
Harry was devastated, but after about six minutes of mourning he decided that he must get himself another mate, but since there weren't any lady eagles available he'd have to cross the feather barrier.
So he flew off to find a new mate. He found a lovely dove and brought her back to the nest.
The sex was good but all the dove would say is .......... 'I am a DOVE, I want to love! I am a DOVE, I want to love!'
Well this so got on Harry's nerves so he kicked the dove out of the nest and flew off once more to find a mate..
He soon found a very sexy loon and brought her back to the nest. Again the sex was good but all the loon would say is........
'I am a LOON, I want to spoon! I am a LOON, I want to spoon!' So out with the loon.
Once more he flew off to find a mate. This time he found a gorgeous duck and he brought the duck back to the nest. This time the sex was great, but all the duck would say was.....
NO, The duck didn't say THAT!
... Don't be SO disgusting!!!
The duck said....
'I am a DRAKE,
You made a MISTAKE!!


Mad Cat Woman
A man suffered a serious heart attack while shopping in a store.
The store clerk called 999 when they saw him collapse to the floor.
The paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency open heart bypass surgery.
He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the Catholic Hospital.
A nun was seated next to his bed holding a clipboard loaded with several forms, and a pen.
She asked him how he was going to pay for his treatment. "Do you have health insurance?" she asked.
He replied in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."
The nun asked, "Do you have money in the bank?"
He replied, "No money in the bank."
Do you have a relative who could help you with the payments?" asked the irritated nun.
He said, "I only have a spinster sister, and she is a nun."
The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters!
Nuns are married to God."
The patient replied, "Perfect. Send the bill to my brother-in-law."


250,000th poster!
But you were, weren't you?

Love a bit of Giger I do....



Mad Cat Woman
Apologies if this has been posted before.

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, British scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.
Not to be outdone by the British, in the weeks that followed, an American archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story published in the New York Times: "American archaeologists, finding traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the British.
One week later, Ireland's Dublin Times, reported the following:
After digging as deep as 30 feet in his backyard in Limerick ,Irishman, Murphy O'Toole , a self-taught archaeologist, reported
that he found absolutely feck-all.
Murphy has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Ireland had already gone wireless...!!


Mad Cat Woman
For @tek-monkey xx

Dear Customer,
on acquiring your Border Collie. Please find the instructions for your particular model listed below:
Although your BC comes fully assembled, due to particular issues during production, we do occasionally have issues with components such as screws. They invariably are either loose or missing altogether.
Mode 1: This is the sleep mode, activated for the majority of the day as the BC ages. This is normal and you should not worry about it, just accept the peace and quiet while you can.
Mode 2: Anarchy. Although we have tried to ease the effect of anarchy mode, it’s not always possible. There are inherent issues with the timer settings of anarchy mode in regards to there being none. Should your BC suddenly go from comatose to running around the walls, we cannot stop this feature.
Sunlight: Do not allow your BC to stay in the sun too long. They can burn if left unattended but they also recharge. Too much of a charge and mode 2 can be activated without warning.
Energy consumption: This has been an ongoing issue as their energy consumption is too direct. We have tried to put baffles, non return valves and diversions in place but none seem to work adequately. Safe to say what goes in comes out, in both solids and gas. The gas, although noxious, can only inhibit breathing of the owner for up to ten minutes.
Naming: Your BC comes untitled as we feel owners should use names of their own. If you are unsure, we have listed below a few names our owners like to use:
Drop it
What are you doing now
You’re kidding me
Is that yours?
Don’t you dare
Oi, you
Put that down
Get that out of your mouth
The zipper: We ask you not to try to open the BC zipper on their belly as this will invalidate your one hour warranty. Rumours that they are merely monkeys in a dog suit is highly contested.
Software: Your BC is pre-installed with the highest software and hardware. This includes the loyalty chip, the love every one chip, fun chip and, of course, the highly popular mayhem chip. They are all running on the What-the-hell operating system 12.2. Although this has been in circulation for many years, we have found it simply cannot be improved upon.
Should you have any queries you can reach us on 118-what-did-I-do
Thank you.
We hope you have many years of enjoyment with your BC. Please be aware that by the time you have read this, your warranty will have run out.
Unfortunately, we do not renew warranties and we do not offer refunds or returns...ever. It’s your problem now