Give us a joke... go on it might be funny :)

Glam

Glam

Mad Cat Woman
Three guys were at deer camp. They had to bunk two to a room.
No one wanted to room with Steve because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn’t fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.

The first night, John slept in Steve’s room and came to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot.
The rest of the guys said, “Man, what happened to you?”
He said, “Steve snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night.”

The next night it was Garry’s turn. In the morning, same thing–hair all standing up, eyes all blood-shot. Once again they asked, “Man, what happened to you? You look awful!”
He said, “Man, that Steve shakes the roof. I couldn’t sleep a wink. I just watched him all night.”

The third night was Herb’s turn. Herb was a big burly guy who loved to fish and hunt — a man’s man.
The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed. “Good morning,” he said.
The guys couldn’t believe it! They said, “Man, what happened?”
He said, “Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Steve into bed and kissed him good night.

He sat up and watched me all night long.”
 
Glam

Glam

Mad Cat Woman
1678720591126.png


Stephen Leather....
 
Glam

Glam

Mad Cat Woman
A pirate visits the doctor for a routine physical and is asked to undress. Incredibly, the pirate has a large ship’s wheel seemingly attached to his private parts.
Doctor: “Uhh…so you’re aware of this giant wheel affixed to your groin…?”
Pirate: “Arrr! It’s drivin’ me nuts.”
 
Glam

Glam

Mad Cat Woman
A policeman with a sniffer dog came up to me the other day and said " my dog tells me you're on drugs "...
i said " ME! on drugs ?...you're the tw*t with the talking dog"
 
Glam

Glam

Mad Cat Woman
Breaking News:-
It was the inventor of the dishwasher's funeral today. His coffin was lowered into the ground, only to be taken out by his wife and put back in properly.
 
Gramaisc

Gramaisc

Forum O. G.
Glam said:
A policeman with a sniffer dog came up to me the other day and said " my dog tells me you're on drugs "...
i said " ME! on drugs ?...you're the tw*t with the talking dog"
Click to expand...
Whenever I see a police dog handler, I always ask "Do you find that some people talk to them first?"

The copper will always reply only the lines of "Yeah, it happens all the time".

I then respond with "I was talking to the dog".

I've always got away with it - so far...
 
Glam

Glam

Mad Cat Woman
A guy and a girl meet at a bar.
They get along so well that she invites him home.
A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands.
He then takes off his trousers and again washes his hands.
The girl has been watching him and says:
"You must be a dentist."
The guy, surprised, says: "Yes .... How did you figure that out?"
"Easy.." she replies, "you keep washing your hands."
One thing leads to another and they make love.
After it's over the girl says: "You must be a good dentist."
The guy, now with an inflated ego, says: "Sure - I'm a good dentist.
How did you figure that out?"
The girl replies:.....
"Didn't feel a thing."
 
Glam

Glam

Mad Cat Woman
If this is too near the thin line - please remove.

Mujibar was trying to get a job in India.
The Personnel Manager said, "Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, except one. Unless you pass it you cannot qualify for this job."
Mujibar said, "I am ready."
The manager said, "Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink and Green."
Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, "Mister manager, I am ready."
The manager said, "Go ahead."
Mujibar said, "The telephone goes green, green, green, and I pink it up, and say, 'Yellow, this is Mujibar.'"
Mujibar now works as a technician at a call centre for computer problems. No doubt you have spoken to him
 
Glam

Glam

Mad Cat Woman
Good evening all.

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he
asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money
from you, I'm doing community service this week.'
The florist was pleased and left the shop.
When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a
'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.
Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill,
the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing
community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop.
The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen doughnuts waiting for him at his door.
Then a Member of Parliament came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Member of Parliament was very happy and left the shop.
The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen Members of Parliament lined up waiting for a free haircut.
And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.

Errrrrr did I say good evening
 
Glam

Glam

Mad Cat Woman
An old man lay sprawled across 3 entire seats in the theatre.
When the usher came by & noticed this, he whispered to the old man,
“Sorry sir, but you’re only allowed one seat.”
The old man groaned but didn’t budge.
The usher became more impatient.
“Sir, if you don’t get up from
there I’m going to have to call the manager.”
Once again, the old man just groaned.
The usher marched briskly back up the aisle, & in a moment he returned with the manager.
Together the 2 of them tried repeatedly to move the old disheveled man, but with no success.
Finally they summoned the police.
The officer surveyed the situation briefly then asked,
“All right Sir, what’s your name?”
“Fred,” the old man moaned.
“Where are you from, Fred?” asked the police officer.
With terrible pain in his voice, & without moving a muscle, Fred replied,
.
.
'
'
“.The balcony.”
😬
😂
 
Glam

Glam

Mad Cat Woman
One day God calls down to Noah and says, "Noah
me old china, I want you to make me a new Ark"
Noah replies, "No probs God, me old Supreme
Being anything you want after all you're the guv'.
But God interrupts, "Ah, but there's a catch. This
time Noah, I want not just a couple of decks, I want
20 decks one on top of the other".
20 DECKS!", screams Noah. "Well, OK Big Man,
whatever you say. Should 1 fill it up with all the
animals just like last time?"
Yep, that's right, well. .. sort of right . .. this time I
want you to fill it up with fish", God answers.
Fish?", queries Noah.
"Yep, fish. ..well, to make it more specific Noah,I
want carp - wall to wall, floor to ceiling -Carp!"
Noah looks to the skies. "OK God my old mucker,
let me get this right, you want a New
Ark?" Check"
With 20 decks, one on top of the other?"
Check".
And you want it full of Carp?".
Check".
Why?" asks the perplexed Noah, who was slowly
but surely getting to the end of his tether
Dunno", says God, "I just fancied a Multi-Storey
Carp Ark".
 
Glam

Glam

Mad Cat Woman
HOW THE INTERNET STARTED, ACCORDING TO THE BIBLE

In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a healthy young wife by the name of Dorothy(Dot for short). Dot Com was a comely woman, large of breast, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com. And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?"

And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?" And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best price. The sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent. To prevent neighbouring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew. It was known as Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures - Hebrew to The People (HTTP).

And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS. And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land.

Indeed he did insist on drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks. And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others."
And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel , or eBay as it came to be known. He said, "We need a name that reflects what we are. "And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators." "YAHOO," said Abraham. And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.

Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot's drums to locate things around the countryside. It soon became known as God's Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE). That is how it all began.
 
Glam

Glam

Mad Cat Woman
A tourist walked into a North shield’s curio/antique shop.
After looking around for a while, he noticed a very life-like bronze statue of a rat.
It had no price tag, but it was so striking that he decided to buy it anyway.

He took it to the owner and said: `How much is this bronze rat? ` The owner replied: ` It`s £12 for the rat, and £100 for the story. `
The tourist gave the owner his £12 and said `I`ll just take the rat, you can keep the story.

As he walked off down the street, he noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the sewers and begun following him. This was a little disconcerting so he started to walk a little faster, but within a couple of streets the swarm of rats had grown to hundreds, and they were all squealing and screeching in a very menacing way.

He increased his speed and ran on towards the beach, and as he ran, he looked behind him and saw the rats now numbered in their MILLIONS. And they were running faster and faster.

By now very concerned, he ran down to the pier and threw the bronze rat far out into the water. Amazingly, the millions of real rats jumped into the water after it and were all drowned.

The man walked back to relate all this to the shop owner, who said: ''Ah, you`ve come back for the story then? ''

No, ` said the tourist, `I came back to see if you`ve got a bronze Tory.
 
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