Give us a joke... go on it might be funny :)

Glam

Glam

Mad Cat Woman
I asked my GP if there was anything better than over the counter hemorrhoids stuff as I was trying to avoid the time off work for surgery.
She suggested using teabags as a cold compress as the tea shrinks them and soothes some of the pain.
I decided to try it, but I only ever use loose leaf tea, but the principle’s the same, so I scooped the leaves out of the cold pot and used a wad of kitchen towel to hold them in place.
A couple of week’s later and I’m back at the Doctors.
She gets me to drop my trousers and lie on the couch on one side. I hear her draw up her chair, the lights dimmed slightly and she said. “Well, your hemorrhoids aren’t getting any better, but you are going on a journey. You will meet a tall dark handsome stranger.....”
 
c0tt0nt0p

c0tt0nt0p

Well-Known Forumite
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Glam

Glam

Mad Cat Woman
A Russian woman married an Australian gentleman and they lived happily ever after in Melbourne. The poor lady was not very proficient in English but did manage to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.

One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, and in desperation, clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. Her butcher got the message and gave her the chicken legs.

Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn't know how to say it, and so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts. The butcher understood again and gave her some
chicken breasts.

On the 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages.
Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store...



(Please scroll down.)


What were you thinking? Hellooooooo, her husband speaks English! Now get back to whatever you were doing. I don't know about you sometimes
 
Glam

Glam

Mad Cat Woman
A golfer in Ireland hooks his drive into the woods.. Searching for his ball, he finds a little Leprechaun lying flat on his back, a bump on his head and golf ball beside him.
Horrified, the golfer gets his water bottle from the cart and pours it over the little guy, reviving him.
'Arrgh! What happened?' the Leprechaun asked.
'I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball,' the golfer says.
'Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square. Ye get three
wishes, so whaddye want?'
'Thank God, you're all right!' the golfer answers in
relief. 'I don't want anything, I'm just glad you're OK, and I
apologize.' And the golfer walks off.
'What a nice guy,' the Leprechaun says to himself. ' I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things I would want... a great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life.'
A year goes by and the golfer is back. On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into the woods and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him.
'Twas me that made ye hit the ball here,' the little guy says. 'I just want to ask ye, how's yer golf game?'
'My game is fantastic!' the golfer answers. 'I'm an internationally famous golfer now.' He adds, 'By the way, it's good to see you're all right.'
'Oh, I'm fine now, thank ye. I did that fer yer golf game,
ye know. And tell me, how's yer money situation?'
'Why, it's just wonderful!' the golfer states. 'When I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out $100 bills I didn't even know were there!'
'I did that fer ye also.' And tell me, how's yer sex life?'
The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment,
and says shyly, 'It's OK.'
'C'mon now,' urged the Leprechaun, 'I'm wanting to know if I did a good job. How many times a week?'
Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers,
'Once, sometimes twice a week.'
'What??' responds the Leprechaun in shock. 'That's all?
Only once or twice a week?'………
.
.
'Well,' says the golfer, 'I figure that's not bad for
a Catholic priest in a small parish!!..
 
Mudgie

Mudgie

Well-Known Forumite
Glam said:
A golfer in Ireland hooks his drive into the woods.. Searching for his ball, he finds a little Leprechaun lying flat on his back, a bump on his head and golf ball beside him.
Horrified, the golfer gets his water bottle from the cart and pours it over the little guy, reviving him.
'Arrgh! What happened?' the Leprechaun asked.
'I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball,' the golfer says.
'Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square. Ye get three
wishes, so whaddye want?'
'Thank God, you're all right!' the golfer answers in
relief. 'I don't want anything, I'm just glad you're OK, and I
apologize.' And the golfer walks off.
'What a nice guy,' the Leprechaun says to himself. ' I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things I would want... a great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life.'
A year goes by and the golfer is back. On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into the woods and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him.
'Twas me that made ye hit the ball here,' the little guy says. 'I just want to ask ye, how's yer golf game?'
'My game is fantastic!' the golfer answers. 'I'm an internationally famous golfer now.' He adds, 'By the way, it's good to see you're all right.'
'Oh, I'm fine now, thank ye. I did that fer yer golf game,
ye know. And tell me, how's yer money situation?'
'Why, it's just wonderful!' the golfer states. 'When I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out $100 bills I didn't even know were there!'
'I did that fer ye also.' And tell me, how's yer sex life?'
The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment,
and says shyly, 'It's OK.'
'C'mon now,' urged the Leprechaun, 'I'm wanting to know if I did a good job. How many times a week?'
Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers,
'Once, sometimes twice a week.'
'What??' responds the Leprechaun in shock. 'That's all?
Only once or twice a week?'………
.
.
'Well,' says the golfer, 'I figure that's not bad for
a Catholic priest in a small parish!!..
Click to expand...
That's very good Glam, but when you're copying American jokes maybe you could make them a bit more credible by making slight changes such as "$100 bills" to "€100 notes" here.
 
Glam

Glam

Mad Cat Woman
Before anyone reads this - It is set in America!

This is an actual account as relayed to paramedics at a chili cook-off in Texas .
Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better. For those of you who have lived in Texas , you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park .
Judge #3 was an inexperienced chili taster Frank, who was visiting from Springfield , IL .
Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table, asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge 3."

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the heck is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN 'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting smashed from all of the beer.

CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. woman is starting to look HOT ... just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac!

CHILI # 5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.

CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I feel like I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.

CHILI # 7 -- SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge #3. He appears to be a bit distressed as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Who cares; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili..
Judge # 3 - No Report
 
Glam

Glam

Mad Cat Woman
On the chest of a barmaid at Yale,
Were tattooed the prices of ale.
And on her behind,for the sake of the blind,
Was the same information in Braille.
 
Glam

Glam

Mad Cat Woman
In days of old,
When knights were bold,
And paper weren't invented.
They'd wipe their bums on a barbed wire fence,
And find it quite contented.
 
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