Give us a joke... go on it might be funny :)

BobClay

Well-Known Forumite
Lottery.jpg
 

Glam

Mad Cat Woman
This might've been on here a bit ago.......................

Paddy McCoy, an elderly Irish farmer, received a letter from the Department for Work & Pensions stating that they suspected he was not paying his employees the statutory minimum wage and they would send an inspector to interview them.
On the appointed day, the inspector turned up.
...
"Tell me about your staff," he asked Paddy.
"Well," said Paddy, "there's the farm hand, I pay him £240 a week, and he has a free cottage.
Then there's the housekeeper. She gets £190 a week, along with free board and lodging.
There's also the half-wit. He works a 16 hour day, does 90% of the work, earns about £25 a week along with a bottle of whiskey and, as a special treat, occasionally gets to sleep with my wife."
"That's disgraceful" said the inspector, "I need to interview the half-wit."
"That'll be me then," said Paddy
 

Glam

Mad Cat Woman
One day a man decided to retire...
He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank. He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.
In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"
She replies, "I rowed over from the other side of the island where I landed when my fishing boat sank."
"Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you."
"Oh, this old thing?" explains the woman. "I made the boat out of some raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm tree branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."
"But, where did you get the tools?" he said.
"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in a volcanic vent I found nearby, it melted into ductile iron and I used that to make tools and used the tools to make the hardware."
The guy is stunned.
"Let's row over to my place," she says "and I'll give you a tour."
So, after a short time of rowing, she soon docks the boat at a small hand built wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is a long stone walk leading to a cabin and tree house.
While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, It's not much, but I call it home. Please sit down." "Would you like a drink?"
"No! No thank you," the man blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take another drop of coconut juice."
"Oh, it's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a still. Would you like a Whiskey?"
Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they exchange their individual survival stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There's a razor in the bathroom cabinet upstairs."
No longer questioning anything, the man goes upstairs into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet is a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.
"This woman is amazing," he muses. "What's next?"
When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but a bandana around her blonde locks and some small flowers on tiny vines, each strategically positioned. She smelled faintly of coconut oil. She then beckons for him to sit down next to her.
"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've both been out here for many months. You must have been lonely. When was the last time you had a really good ride?"
She stares into his eyes.
He can't believe what he's hearing.
"You mean..." he swallows excitedly as tears start to form in his eyes,
.
.
.
.
.
.
"You've built a Motorbike?”
 

Glam

Mad Cat Woman
Trump dies from the virus. He goes to Hell where the Devil is waiting for him. "I don't know what to do," says the Devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you. But you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do.

I've got three people here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves." Trump thought that sounded pretty good so he agreed.

The devil opened the first room. In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed over and over and over, such was his fate in Hell. "No!" Trump said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long."

The Devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time. "No! I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day!" commented Trump.

The Devil opened a third door. In it, Trump saw Bill Clinton lying naked on the floor with his arms staked over his head and his legs staked in spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. Trump looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this."


The Devil smiled and said, "Monica, you're free to go!"
 

Glam

Mad Cat Woman
A teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment: To get their parent
to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.
Ashley said, 'My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens.
One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of
the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs got broken.'
'What's the morale of that story?' asked the teacher.
'Don't put all your eggs in one basket!'
'Very good,' said the teacher.

Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, 'Our family are farmers too.
But we raise chickens for the meat market. One day we had a dozen eggs, but
when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story
is, 'Don't count your chickens before they're hatched'.'
'That was a fine story Sarah.'

Michael, do you have a story to share?'
'Yes. My daddy told me this story about my Aunty Sharon. Aunty Sharon was a
flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her plane got hit.
She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of
whisky, a machine gun and a machete.
She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she
landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them
with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty
more with the machete until the blade broke and then she killed the last
ten with her bare hands.'
'Good heavens,' said the horrified teacher, 'what kind of moral did your
daddy tell you from that horrible story?'

'Don't feck about with Auntie Sharon when she's pissed!
 

Studio Tan

Well-Known Forumite
Jewish joke:
Yaakov and his father were visiting a mall for the very first time. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again.

Yaakov asked his father, "What is this, Avie?"

His father responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is!"

While Yaakov and his father were watching wide-eyed a grumpy old woman shuffled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady shuffled between them into a small room. The walls closed. They watched the small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24 year old woman stepped out.

Smiling, the father turned to Yaakov and said, "Go get your mother."
 

Gramaisc

Forum O. G.
Q: How many group members does it take to change a light bulb ?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.
14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.
7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.
17 purists who use candles and are offended by light bulb discussions.
6 to argue over whether it's 'lightbulb' or 'light bulb'.
6 others to condemn those 6 as stupid.
22 to tell those 6 to stop being jerks.
2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is 'lamp'.
15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that 'light bulb' is perfectly correct.
49 to post memes and gifs (several are of Michael Jackson eating popcorn with the words added, “I’m just here for the comments.”)
19 to post that this page is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a light bulb page.
11 to defend the posting to this page saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant here.
24 to discuss the merits of LED/swirly fluorescent light bulbs
44 to claim LED and fluorescent bulbs will kill you.
12 to post F.
8 to ask what F means.
7 to post 'Following' but there's 3 dots at the top right that means you don't have to.
3 to say "can't share"
2 to reply "can't share from a closed group"
36 People to post pics of their own light bulbs.
15 People to post "I can't see S$%^!" and use their own light bulbs.
6 to report the post or PM an admin because someone said "f÷×$"
4 to say "Didn't we go through this already a short time ago?".
13 to say "Do a search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs".
1 to bring politics into the discussion by adding that (insert politician of choice) isn't the brightest bulb. This usually takes place within the first three comments.
50 more to get into personal attacks over their political views.
5 admins to ban the light bulb posters who took it all too seriously.
1 late arrival to comment on the original post 6 months later and start it all over again.
 

BobClay

Well-Known Forumite
I have an existential light bulb. Therefore I never have to switch it on or off, so never have to change it. :P
 
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