Give us a joke... go on it might be funny :)

BobClay

Well-Known Forumite
It isn't mine .... I like to think of mine as a work of art. Or is that being too kitchen sink dramatic ? (Gawd elp us ... I'm posting pix of my bloody kitchen sink .... I NEED to get out more.) :eek:


KitchemSink.jpg
 

BobClay

Well-Known Forumite
This is Cornwall, they're always having problems with that new fangled electricity, hence power cuts are fairly regular. Most power is delivered from overhead lines, which are easy pickings for that 3000 mile weather engine to the west of us.

And .... despite all the great technology of recent decades, they still haven't come up with a reliable f****** torch. (And I've got three Maglites in wall clips scattered about the house.) So candles are sort of essential. (Sadly, I've just realised I've got no matches ... :eek: ... ah well, the best laid plans and all that.)

I always keep an extra pack of scourers in case I run out of bog rolls. :lorks:
 
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Glam

Mad Cat Woman
1635331750204.png


B&Q JOB APPLICATION
This is an actual job application that a 75-year-old pensioner submitted to B&Q in Tunbridge Wells.
They hired him because he was so funny....
NAME: Kenneth Way (Grumpy Bastard)
SEX: Not lately, but 1 am looking for the right woman (or at least one who will cooperate)
DESIRED POSITON: Company's Chief Executive or Managing Director. But seriously, whatever's available.
If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying in the first place - would I?
DESIRED SALARY: £150,000 a year plus share options and a Tony Blair style redundancy package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITON HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I’m worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It was a crap job.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30 - 3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here'?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs.?: Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be “Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Reader's Digest Timeshare Free Holiday Offer, so they tell me.
DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job – no. On my breaks - yes!
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy Swedish supermodel with big tits and who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread.
Actually, I’d like to be doing that now.
NEAREST RELATIVE?: 7 miles
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Oh yes. absolutely.
 

BobClay

Well-Known Forumite
Hot water flow pump. Bungalows don't always get the head for a strong flow for the hot water, while the cold water in the kitchen is directly off the main which is usual. That gives you a better range with the mixer tap.
 

Glam

Mad Cat Woman
SCOTTISH GOLF CLUB MEMBERSHIP APPLICATION.

An elderly Scottish Jew has decided to take it a little easier and take up golf, so he puts his name down at the local club. After a week he receives a message that his application has been turned down.So he goes down to the
club to inquire why.

Secretary: You are aware that this is a Scottish golf club?
Scot: Aye but I'm as Scottish as you are, Jock.
Secretary: This means that on formal occasions we wear kilts.
Scot: Aye, so do I.
Secretary: You are aware that we wear nothing under our kilts?
Scot: Neither do I.
Secretary: But you are a Jew?
Scot: Aye, I be that. Secretary: So you are circumcised?
Scot: Aye, I be that too.
Secretary: I am terribly sorry, but the members just would not feel comfortable with that.

Scot: Ach, away with ya, man. I know that you have to be a Protestant to march with the Orangemen.
And I know that you have to be a Catholic to become a Knight of Saint Columbus.
But this is the first time I heard that you have to be a complete prick to join a golf club!!
 

BobClay

Well-Known Forumite
Some trivia about Yul Brynner:

He was a lifelong admirer of Liverpool Football club.

He never used after shave.

Which is why,

to this day,

Liverpool fans sing....


♫ ♫ Yul never wore cologne. ♪ ♪

(Races for the woods.) 🤪
 
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