Give us a joke... go on it might be funny :)

The Notorious A.N.T.

Well-Known Forumite
There was a knock on the convent door. 'Who is it?' enquired one of the Nuns. 'I have been sent to visit the Mother Superior' came the reply, 'I am the blind man'. The Nun hurries off to tell Mother Superior of the caller & eventually finds her taking a bath. Mother Superior had just got in so asks the Nun to bring the man to her. 'But you are naked!' exclaims the Nun, 'it doesn't matter' replies Mother Superior, 'he's blind, he can't see me'. The Nun goes back to the door, takes the blind man by the arm & carefully leads him through the convent to Mother Superior's bathroom. The Nun shows him in & on seeing Mother Superior in the bath the blind man nearly faints!. 'You have got cracking boobs there Mother Superior' he says 'now where was it you wanted these blinds installing'......
 

BobClay

Well-Known Forumite
For dog lovers everywhere .... :):D
DoghLovers.jpg
 

BobClay

Well-Known Forumite
Go on! Give it a go.

Can't really @Glam, it's not dirty, but it is religiously incorrect, although looking at @The Notorious A.N.T. joke it might fly at some future date. I try not to f*** with religion (and I mean all religions here) as it's like walking through Nutjob Valley. Been there, done that, didn't like it much. :heyhey::heyhey::P

(I dare say some on here have already heard it, it's an old joke, that either makes people laugh, or for them to call for a ritual burning at the stake.) :eek:
 

Trumpet

Well-Known Forumite
Can't really @Glam, it's not dirty, but it is religiously incorrect, although looking at @The Notorious A.N.T. joke it might fly at some future date. I try not to f*** with religion (and I mean all religions here) as it's like walking through Nutjob Valley. Been there, done that, didn't like it much. :heyhey::heyhey::P

(I dare say some on here have already heard it, it's an old joke, that either makes people laugh, or for them to call for a ritual burning at the stake.) :eek:
You've got me hooked now, you could pm it.
 

Glam

Mad Cat Woman
Can't really @Glam, it's not dirty, but it is religiously incorrect, although looking at @The Notorious A.N.T. joke it might fly at some future date. I try not to f*** with religion (and I mean all religions here) as it's like walking through Nutjob Valley. Been there, done that, didn't like it much. :heyhey::heyhey::P

(I dare say some on here have already heard it, it's an old joke, that either makes people laugh, or for them to call for a ritual burning at the stake.) :eek:
You've got me hooked now, you could pm it.
I thought that...x
 

BobClay

Well-Known Forumite
OK before this gets out of hand and you're all waiting for the second coming or something, I'll post it. If this upsets your religious beliefs don't come to me, I'm not really a believer in the traditional sense. I have got some stick in other places for telling this in the past.


Albert Benson had a small factory that manufactured high quality steel nails for the building industry. Business was good, and ran smoothly, but Albert had ideas for expansion. So he consulted an adverting agency who suggest he might try an ad on television. Albert agreed to this and the agency said they would produce an ad which would go out at prime time on Saturday evening. On the night Albert and his entire family gathered around the set to watch their advert.

It started with a camera moving across a green field, then it rose up a small grassy knoll to the base of a large post with what looked like blood stains on it. Then the camera view fell back to reveal a cross, with Jesus hanging limp and dripping blood and a deep resonant voice said:

ALWAYS USE:: BENSON NAILS.

Albert was utterly appalled at the ad. The phone began ringing straight off as his customers called in to cancel orders because of his disgusting bad taste in advertising. His business started to crash and he phoned the advertising agency to complain at what they had done.

The agency were very apologetic, not only did they promise to return his fee, but they said they would produce another ad that would put things right and that would go out at the same time on the following Saturday without charge. Somewhat placated, Albert and family gathered around the TV on the night and nervously waited for the ad.

It started with a camera moving across a green field, then it rose up a small grassy knoll to the base of a large post with what looked like blood stains on it. 'Oh shit,' thought Albert. 'They're showing the same ad again.'

He watched mouth agape as the camera view fell back to reveal a cross, but the cross was empty. There was a lot of blood and a few empty nail holes and nothing more. Then the camera panned around and in the distance you could see Jesus limping away to make his escape. A deep resonant voice said:

THEY SHOULD HAVE USED: BENSON NAILS.
 

Glam

Mad Cat Woman
OK before this gets out of hand and you're all waiting for the second coming or something, I'll post it. If this upsets your religious beliefs don't come to me, I'm not really a believer in the traditional sense. I have got some stick in other places for telling this in the past.


Albert Benson had a small factory that manufactured high quality steel nails for the building industry. Business was good, and ran smoothly, but Albert had ideas for expansion. So he consulted an adverting agency who suggest he might try an ad on television. Albert agreed to this and the agency said they would produce an ad which would go out at prime time on Saturday evening. On the night Albert and his entire family gathered around the set to watch their advert.

It started with a camera moving across a green field, then it rose up a small grassy knoll to the base of a large post with what looked like blood stains on it. Then the camera view fell back to reveal a cross, with Jesus hanging limp and dripping blood and a deep resonant voice said:

ALWAYS USE:: BENSON NAILS.

Albert was utterly appalled at the ad. The phone began ringing straight off as his customers called in to cancel orders because of his disgusting bad taste in advertising. His business started to crash and he phoned the advertising agency to complain at what they had done.

The agency were very apologetic, not only did they promise to return his fee, but they said they would produce another ad that would put things right and that would go out at the same time on the following Saturday without charge. Somewhat placated, Albert and family gathered around the TV on the night and nervously waited for the ad.

It started with a camera moving across a green field, then it rose up a small grassy knoll to the base of a large post with what looked like blood stains on it. 'Oh shit,' thought Albert. 'They're showing the same ad again.'

He watched mouth agape as the camera view fell back to reveal a cross, but the cross was empty. There was a lot of blood and a few empty nail holes and nothing more. Then the camera panned around and in the distance you could see Jesus limping away to make his escape. A deep resonant voice said:

THEY SHOULD HAVE USED: BENSON NAILS.
Oh Bob, you needn't have been worried.
My humour is even darker than that xx
 

BobClay

Well-Known Forumite
An old blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of whiskey.

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender: “Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?”

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says: “Before you tell that joke, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know four things: The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat, the bouncer is a blonde girl with a club, I’m a 6-foot tall blonde woman with a black belt in karate and the woman sitting next to me is a blonde cop packing a Smith and Wesson .357 magnum revolver. Now, think about it seriously, do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?”

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters: “No, not if I’m gonna have to explain it four times.”
 

BobClay

Well-Known Forumite
Saw this on Facebook and had to nick it ...... :P

An elderly man living alone in Milton Keynes wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, since the ground was hard. His only son, Paul, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Paul,
I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won’t be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I’m just getting too old to be digging up a hard garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over.. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love, Dad

A few days later he received a letter from his son:

Dear Dad,
Don’t dig up that garden. That’s where the bodies are buried.
Love,
Paul.

At 4 a.m. the next morning, CID officers and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son:

Dear Dad,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That’s the best I could do under the circumstances.
 

BobClay

Well-Known Forumite
Well thanks @c0tt0nt0p ... that's my f***ing nightmares booked for three weeks !!!! (Thankfully I haven't had one of those yet, but if I do get one, there's going to be a grenade with the pin out clutched in my right hand holding the spoon on, so they'd better be careful.) :P
 
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