Arsenal - Angelina Jolie - Looks good, a bit maverick at times and you know they have the potential to really turn you over.
Aston Villa - Dido - One big hit. Fairly inoffensive really.
Blackburn Rovers - Melanie Sykes - Common as muck, constantly worrying.
Bolton Wanderers - Natalie Imbruglia - Always looks like she might go down but never does!
Charlton Athletic - Martine McCutcheon -Chirpy Cockney with the ability to spring a few surprises!
Chelsea - Maggie Thatcher - Hated by millions, supported by idiots!
Everton - Barbara Windsor - Been laughing at those tits so long we forget that once upon a time they actually looked quite good!
Fulham - Andrea Corr - Not bad to look at but not much of her. Seems a bit awestruck with fame.
Liverpool - Sophie Ellis Bextor - Individually all the components look fantastic - just doesn't work when put together.
Man City - Madonna - Have been big at times - now lost the plot a bit - ageing stars. Nice new home though.
Man United - Jordan - Dominated by tits. Quite repulsive really.
Middlesborough - Tara Palmer Tompkinson - Can look quite good at the back - but nothing at all up front to speak of.
Newcastle United - Pamela Anderson - Can look good. Various unsavoury elements though.
Portsmouth - Chrissie Hynde - On the face of it a has-been but you're quite interested in what she's going to do next.
Tottenham Hotspur - Kim Wilde - Glamerous in the 80's not so nice to watch now.
Aston Villa - Dido - One big hit. Fairly inoffensive really.
Blackburn Rovers - Melanie Sykes - Common as muck, constantly worrying.
Bolton Wanderers - Natalie Imbruglia - Always looks like she might go down but never does!
Charlton Athletic - Martine McCutcheon -Chirpy Cockney with the ability to spring a few surprises!
Chelsea - Maggie Thatcher - Hated by millions, supported by idiots!
Everton - Barbara Windsor - Been laughing at those tits so long we forget that once upon a time they actually looked quite good!
Fulham - Andrea Corr - Not bad to look at but not much of her. Seems a bit awestruck with fame.
Liverpool - Sophie Ellis Bextor - Individually all the components look fantastic - just doesn't work when put together.
Man City - Madonna - Have been big at times - now lost the plot a bit - ageing stars. Nice new home though.
Man United - Jordan - Dominated by tits. Quite repulsive really.
Middlesborough - Tara Palmer Tompkinson - Can look quite good at the back - but nothing at all up front to speak of.
Newcastle United - Pamela Anderson - Can look good. Various unsavoury elements though.
Portsmouth - Chrissie Hynde - On the face of it a has-been but you're quite interested in what she's going to do next.
Tottenham Hotspur - Kim Wilde - Glamerous in the 80's not so nice to watch now.
i wish id never asked!