wayneholt
Well-Known Forumite
Hello to anyone who is reading this. Just recently signed up to share some articles I have written and would like to share them with you. Please find enclosed my take on the nightclub scene. I hope you find my suffering amusing. PLEASE REMEMBER IT IS IN JEST.
A V.I.P (A Very Ignorant Place)
It’s Saturday night. A time to relax and unwind. Sod that! I’m gonna paint the town red! I’m gonna (as they say) “Get my end away”! It’s time to par-tay! I’m so Ker-azy! Luckily, I’m not enough of a numpty to say this but, enough of an idiot to attend a nightclub. Nightclubs are god awful places for god awful people. Hopefully, this little review from a recent night out will put you off attending these shit tips forever!
First, there’s getting into the place. Big burly meatheads with high Vis jackets lurch over and decide whether you are deemed worthy enough to enter the pearly gates of mediocrity. You could be wearing the king’s royal garment, woven from the finest silk and lined with real gold, and they still wouldn’t let you in because of your shoes! I suppose it’s out of fear. I have heard stories of shoes in nightclubs screaming racial remarks and clearing the dance floor, and we don’t want that do we? Besides, I have never seen a bouncer throw out anyone bigger or the same size as them. They’re just hired goons, too thick for real jobs, whose main perk is to crudely ogle at underage girls with skirts the length of a belt buckle.
Once you eventually get in (after paying an extortionate amount of money), you’re thrust into a land of sickly décor, U.V lights and an aura of arrogance. At this point you really need a drink, so you queue for up to an hour to get a watered down beer for a ghastly price. Don’t even bother with spirits! They cost around £12 for a double! You then “hit the dance floor” (a phrase so nauseating) and it becomes apparent that you have entered hell itself. Bland, catchy bullshit that makes you dance around like an arsehole. I’ve realised 3 tracks that get constantly played in these places and would like to review them.
Flo Rida feat. David Guetta - Club can't handle me - Yes the club and we mere mortals really CANNOT handle the drivel you spew about how awesome you are in the club. Sod us! Sod the peasants! It’s your club and only you can handle it! fook! It’s like listening to the colour beige!
Katy B - Lights On feat. Ms. Dynamite - Bit of ‘dub-pop’ for those who want to be ‘edgy’ and ‘cool’. Besides, if I ever owned a club (heaven forbid) and that brit school bint was requesting the DJ for one more song, I would make sure my meathead bouncers would throw her out on her arse! Judging by the song, she has very little regard for the bar staff who wants to leave when the lights come on, the selfish cow!
The Black Eyed Peas - I Gotta Feeling – A song (if you would call it that) so devoid of substance, I feel my heart palpitate whenever I hear it! It’s so simple, a brain damaged Orangutan with no hands could conjure up that melody!
These songs are nothing in comparison to the pinnacle of shit that is……The Will Smith Mega mix. I have heard this being played EVERYWHERE and it chips away at my sanity with a sledgehammer. It only gets worse. They then play the theme from ‘The Fresh Prince of Bell Air’! In a club! A T.V THEME IN A farking CLUB! EVERYONE IS DANCING TO A T.V THEME! “WOO LOOK AT ME! I’M FUNNY! AIN’T THIS SHIT BUT, WHO CARES?” Anyone who has ever done this, shoot yourself in the face and do us all a favour.
Worst of all, worse than the above, is the overwhelming sense of importance people project when they’re in the club. Politeness is thrown out of the window and no matter how nice you are, you’re looked at with utter disgust. Men lurch over the women like they’re in some kind of cattle market and the women dress provocatively, but call other women slags when they’re dressed appropriately and carry some class. Fuel this behavior with alcohol and no wonder trouble ensues. When you step back and think about it, it’s actually quite sad.
Overall, nightclubs are over priced, over hyped school discos for anyone who hasn’t grown past the point of a teenager. If you are reading this, over the age of 25 and still attend these places, congratulations. You’re an idiot. Now you will have to excuse me, I have a night in with a scrabble board, an Inspector Morse box set, a bottle of brandy, my pipe and my slippers.
A V.I.P (A Very Ignorant Place)
It’s Saturday night. A time to relax and unwind. Sod that! I’m gonna paint the town red! I’m gonna (as they say) “Get my end away”! It’s time to par-tay! I’m so Ker-azy! Luckily, I’m not enough of a numpty to say this but, enough of an idiot to attend a nightclub. Nightclubs are god awful places for god awful people. Hopefully, this little review from a recent night out will put you off attending these shit tips forever!
First, there’s getting into the place. Big burly meatheads with high Vis jackets lurch over and decide whether you are deemed worthy enough to enter the pearly gates of mediocrity. You could be wearing the king’s royal garment, woven from the finest silk and lined with real gold, and they still wouldn’t let you in because of your shoes! I suppose it’s out of fear. I have heard stories of shoes in nightclubs screaming racial remarks and clearing the dance floor, and we don’t want that do we? Besides, I have never seen a bouncer throw out anyone bigger or the same size as them. They’re just hired goons, too thick for real jobs, whose main perk is to crudely ogle at underage girls with skirts the length of a belt buckle.
Once you eventually get in (after paying an extortionate amount of money), you’re thrust into a land of sickly décor, U.V lights and an aura of arrogance. At this point you really need a drink, so you queue for up to an hour to get a watered down beer for a ghastly price. Don’t even bother with spirits! They cost around £12 for a double! You then “hit the dance floor” (a phrase so nauseating) and it becomes apparent that you have entered hell itself. Bland, catchy bullshit that makes you dance around like an arsehole. I’ve realised 3 tracks that get constantly played in these places and would like to review them.
Flo Rida feat. David Guetta - Club can't handle me - Yes the club and we mere mortals really CANNOT handle the drivel you spew about how awesome you are in the club. Sod us! Sod the peasants! It’s your club and only you can handle it! fook! It’s like listening to the colour beige!
Katy B - Lights On feat. Ms. Dynamite - Bit of ‘dub-pop’ for those who want to be ‘edgy’ and ‘cool’. Besides, if I ever owned a club (heaven forbid) and that brit school bint was requesting the DJ for one more song, I would make sure my meathead bouncers would throw her out on her arse! Judging by the song, she has very little regard for the bar staff who wants to leave when the lights come on, the selfish cow!
The Black Eyed Peas - I Gotta Feeling – A song (if you would call it that) so devoid of substance, I feel my heart palpitate whenever I hear it! It’s so simple, a brain damaged Orangutan with no hands could conjure up that melody!
These songs are nothing in comparison to the pinnacle of shit that is……The Will Smith Mega mix. I have heard this being played EVERYWHERE and it chips away at my sanity with a sledgehammer. It only gets worse. They then play the theme from ‘The Fresh Prince of Bell Air’! In a club! A T.V THEME IN A farking CLUB! EVERYONE IS DANCING TO A T.V THEME! “WOO LOOK AT ME! I’M FUNNY! AIN’T THIS SHIT BUT, WHO CARES?” Anyone who has ever done this, shoot yourself in the face and do us all a favour.
Worst of all, worse than the above, is the overwhelming sense of importance people project when they’re in the club. Politeness is thrown out of the window and no matter how nice you are, you’re looked at with utter disgust. Men lurch over the women like they’re in some kind of cattle market and the women dress provocatively, but call other women slags when they’re dressed appropriately and carry some class. Fuel this behavior with alcohol and no wonder trouble ensues. When you step back and think about it, it’s actually quite sad.
Overall, nightclubs are over priced, over hyped school discos for anyone who hasn’t grown past the point of a teenager. If you are reading this, over the age of 25 and still attend these places, congratulations. You’re an idiot. Now you will have to excuse me, I have a night in with a scrabble board, an Inspector Morse box set, a bottle of brandy, my pipe and my slippers.
