wayneholt
Well-Known Forumite
hello to all. I am new to this site and I feel compelled to share with you my experiences and joys of this wonderful town. Sorry, my own sarcasm sickens me. I hope you enjoy my suffering.
Like a gift from the heavens above (or luck of the draw, your choice), I was blessed with a Monday free from work which I found out no one turned up, thus proving there is no God, just disappointment. I relaxed in bed watching The Big Bang Theory followed by microwaved scrambled eggs (taste just like they sound) and a large mug of tea. I burnt my mouth on the eggs and poured the tea on my bare chest and now the burn closely resembles Gordon Ramsey after the hair transplant reaction. Great start to a great day! Still, not to be deterred, I realised this was my one chance at shopping without the annoyance of weekend shoppers and their screaming selfish offspring, wanting more superficial crap to fill the meaningless void that is "popularity". I only needed a pair of jeans and some shoes. My current jeans were see through by now and the smell of my current shoes, are what I imagine Katie Price's soul to smell like. I worked out a quick trip to two shops and back would take me an hour tops. Oh I wish, I wish life would be that simple. My own sarcasm gives me a headache sometimes….
I entered the store to be accosted by an over friendly and quite sickly woman asking if I needed any help. That is just her job but she came across as someone who would smile to my face and be as sweet as apple pie but, as soon as my back is turned she's gesturing to her workmates at the lack of penis I may have (how does she know)? And probably making a "wanker" gesture whilst tweeting "Helping this man pick out a pair of jeans! What a loser!" I point out my thighs are thick and that choosing a pair of jeans is like choosing religion. You settle with the one least uncomfortable to you. No laughter from her what so ever. She just stares blankly and smiles. I thought it was quite funny considering I came up with it off the top of my head. She then ushers me into a plane of hell made only of snazzy cloths and buttons. I feel sick. Vast arrays of different types of jeans for the vast array of different styles of "tosser" that exist in todays modern world. Straight Cut, Boot Cut, Relaxed, Slim (for the man who wants to suffocate his balls) and Twisted are but a few to mention. Looking at myself in the mirror, I realise I'm getting too old too fast, I'm putting on weight and that the world is spinning too fast and I can't keep up. I settle with the relaxed pair out of irony.
Upon walking home I wait at the traffic lights to cross when a gang of youths just cross a busy road full of cars with no care (or patience) in the world. The green man flashed literally 7 seconds later. The more confusing thing was once they crossed the road, they stopped to chat (I say chat, I mean bellow about how hard they are and how much weed they smoked the previous night) so I'm wondering why the rush? My biggest mistake was standing in a state of annoyance and confusion as this got their attention. I cross the road and they stop me asking
"What's your farkin'' problem four eyes?" (Nothing better than the old school put downs eh?)
"Nothing mate, just on my way home."
"Nah man. You were eyeing up my Mrs."
In retrospect I did look at her but only because I was terrified by what she was wearing. I could only describe it as a whore's set of curtains. I say to them I wasn't and that I was just on my way home. They threaten to shoot me and I can only stifle the laughs as I walk on and apologise. At that point I forgot that their indestructible powers are fuelled by the collective delusion that their lives are a series of gang warfare moments, NWA music videos and a Hollyoaks omnibus.
I get home two hours later than I planned and I have seen the nightmarish vision of the future through the youth of today, and I don't like it.
Oh, and I forgot the shoes……
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