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Give us a joke... go on it might be funny :)

Discussion in 'General Chat' started by BBC, Oct 3, 2006.

  1. BBC

    BBC You knows it

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    a man walks into a pub with dog shit on his hand....

    "look what i nearly trod in"
     
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  3. Andreas Rex

    Andreas Rex Banned for smiling

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    why did the baker have shit on his hands?

    cos he kneaded a poo!

    i'm bored...
     
  4. BBC

    BBC You knows it

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    Clubbers in Yorkshire have taken to using dental syringes to inject ecstasy directly into their mouths.

    This dangerous practice is known as E by gum.

    :)
     
  5. db

    db #chaplife

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    What do you call a black guy flying a plane?



    A PILOT, YOU RACIST :v:
     
  6. db

    db #chaplife

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  7. BBC

    BBC You knows it

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    An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman are all to give speeches to the Deaf and Dumb Society. All are keen to make an impression on their audience. The Englishman goes first and to the surprise of his colleagues starts by rubbing first his chest, and then his groin. When he finishes the Scotsman and Irishman ask him what he was doing.

    "Well" he explained "By rubbing my chest I indicated breasts and thus Ladies, and by rubbing my groin I indicated balls and thus Gentlemen. So my speech started: 'Ladies and Gentlemen' ".

    On his way up to the podium the Scotsman thought to himself I'll go one better than that English bastard!' and started his speech by making an antler symbol with his fingers above his head before also rubbing his chest and his groin. When he finished his colleagues asked what he was doing.

    "Well" he explained "By imitating antlers and then rubbing my chest and groin I was starting my speech by saying 'Dear Ladies and Gentlemen' ".

    On his way up to the podium the Irishman thought to himself " I'll go one further than those mainland bastards!' and started his speech by making an antler symbol above his head, rubbing his chest, and then his groin, and then masturbating furiously. When he finished his colleagues asked him what he was doing.

    "Well" he explained," by imitating antlers, rubbing my chest and then my groin and then masturbating I was starting my speech by saying 'Dear Ladies and Gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure......."
     
    Moby Dick likes this.
  8. MeengweZ

    MeengweZ Huge _Man_52

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    Newcastle United FC
     
  9. BBC

    BBC You knows it

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    ......7 leicester city 1
     
  10. MeengweZ

    MeengweZ Huge _Man_52

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    anonymity!anonymity!anonymity!anonymity!anonymity!anonymity!anonymity!anonymity!anonymity!
     
  11. BBC

    BBC You knows it

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    Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching TV and drinking a beer when
    he hears a knock at the door. When he opens it, he is confronted by a
    little Chinese man, clutching a clip board and yelling, "You Sign! You
    sign!"


    Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts. Nelson is standing
    there in complete amazement, when the Chinese man starts to yell louder,
    "You Sign! You sign!"

    Nelson says to him, "Look, you've obviously got the wrong man", and
    shuts the door in his face.
    The next day he hears a knock at the door again. When he opens it, the
    little Chinese man is back with a huge truck of brake pads. He thrusts
    his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling, "You sign! You sign!"

    Mr Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he pushes the little
    Chinese man back, shouting: "Look, go away! You've got the wrong man.
    I don't want them!" Then he slams the door in his face again.

    The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, he
    hears a knock on the door again.
    On opening the door, there is the same little Chinese man thrusting a
    clipboard under his nose, shouting, "You sign! You sign!" Behind him are
    TWO very large trucks full of car parts. This time Nelson loses his
    temper completely, he picks up the little man by his shirt front and
    yells at him: "Look, I don't want these! Do you understand? You must
    have the wrong name! Who do you want to give these to?"

    The little Chinese man looks very puzzled, consults his clipboard, and
    says:

    (It's a beauty)


    (wait for it)


    (Get your best Chinese accent ready)


    "You not Nissan Main Deala?"
     
  12. Sofa

    Sofa I'm a Staffooooooordian

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    What is a shitzu? A zoo with no animals in it.
     
  13. BBC

    BBC You knows it

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    Did you hear about the man who drowned in muesli?

    He got pulled in by a strong currant!

    that's pretty bad actually
     
  14. db

    db #chaplife

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    lol that's terrible..

    no, wait - that's worse lol..

    i still roffled though

    [​IMG]
     
  15. Sofa

    Sofa I'm a Staffooooooordian

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    A farmer told his sheepdog to go and count how many sheep there were in the
    field.

    The sheepdog went off and counted the sheep. He came back and reported to
    the farmer that there were 40 sheep.

    "But how can that be?" said the farmer "I only bought 38 sheep!"

    "I know," said the sheepdog "but I rounded them up.."
     
  16. jimbob23

    jimbob23 Official 1000th poster

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    West Ham and Spurs fans have been banned from away games in Europe this season after their behaviour the last time their teams participated in European comptetion.

    They ripped the sails and pushed the cannon overboard.
     
  17. rich upsetter

    rich upsetter Cuffy is the new skill

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    twunt
     
  18. MeengweZ

    MeengweZ Huge _Man_52

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    Can we have a Bear smilie please?
     
  19. BBC

    BBC You knows it

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    Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights (because they can't see each other using sign language).

    After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife proposes a solution. "Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time."

    The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, "Great idea! Now if you want to have sex with ME, reach over and pull on my penis one time." "And if you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis... fifty times!"
     
  20. MeengweZ

    MeengweZ Huge _Man_52

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    Is that an answer? Did u think id forget?
     
  21. TENSHON

    TENSHON 4000th post? Whatever, I'm nonchalant..

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    Two Rats are talking in a sewer.

    One says to the other, "I'm sick to death of shit... it's all we ever eat...
    shit for breakfast, shit for lunch and shit for tea... I'm sick of it."

    "Don't worry", replied the other rat... "We're on the piss tonight."
     

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