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Discussion in 'General Chat' started by BBC, Oct 3, 2006.
a man walks into a pub with dog shit on his hand....
"look what i nearly trod in"
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why did the baker have shit on his hands?
cos he kneaded a poo!
Clubbers in Yorkshire have taken to using dental syringes to inject ecstasy directly into their mouths.
This dangerous practice is known as E by gum.
What do you call a black guy flying a plane?
A PILOT, YOU RACIST
An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman are all to give speeches to the Deaf and Dumb Society. All are keen to make an impression on their audience. The Englishman goes first and to the surprise of his colleagues starts by rubbing first his chest, and then his groin. When he finishes the Scotsman and Irishman ask him what he was doing.
"Well" he explained "By rubbing my chest I indicated breasts and thus Ladies, and by rubbing my groin I indicated balls and thus Gentlemen. So my speech started: 'Ladies and Gentlemen' ".
On his way up to the podium the Scotsman thought to himself I'll go one better than that English bastard!' and started his speech by making an antler symbol with his fingers above his head before also rubbing his chest and his groin. When he finished his colleagues asked what he was doing.
"Well" he explained "By imitating antlers and then rubbing my chest and groin I was starting my speech by saying 'Dear Ladies and Gentlemen' ".
On his way up to the podium the Irishman thought to himself " I'll go one further than those mainland bastards!' and started his speech by making an antler symbol above his head, rubbing his chest, and then his groin, and then masturbating furiously. When he finished his colleagues asked him what he was doing.
"Well" he explained," by imitating antlers, rubbing my chest and then my groin and then masturbating I was starting my speech by saying 'Dear Ladies and Gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure......."
Newcastle United FC
......7 leicester city 1
Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching TV and drinking a beer when
he hears a knock at the door. When he opens it, he is confronted by a
little Chinese man, clutching a clip board and yelling, "You Sign! You
Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts. Nelson is standing
there in complete amazement, when the Chinese man starts to yell louder,
"You Sign! You sign!"
Nelson says to him, "Look, you've obviously got the wrong man", and
shuts the door in his face.
The next day he hears a knock at the door again. When he opens it, the
little Chinese man is back with a huge truck of brake pads. He thrusts
his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling, "You sign! You sign!"
Mr Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he pushes the little
Chinese man back, shouting: "Look, go away! You've got the wrong man.
I don't want them!" Then he slams the door in his face again.
The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, he
hears a knock on the door again.
On opening the door, there is the same little Chinese man thrusting a
clipboard under his nose, shouting, "You sign! You sign!" Behind him are
TWO very large trucks full of car parts. This time Nelson loses his
temper completely, he picks up the little man by his shirt front and
yells at him: "Look, I don't want these! Do you understand? You must
have the wrong name! Who do you want to give these to?"
The little Chinese man looks very puzzled, consults his clipboard, and
(It's a beauty)
(wait for it)
(Get your best Chinese accent ready)
"You not Nissan Main Deala?"
What is a shitzu? A zoo with no animals in it.
Did you hear about the man who drowned in muesli?
He got pulled in by a strong currant!
that's pretty bad actually
lol that's terrible..
no, wait - that's worse lol..
i still roffled though
A farmer told his sheepdog to go and count how many sheep there were in the
The sheepdog went off and counted the sheep. He came back and reported to
the farmer that there were 40 sheep.
"But how can that be?" said the farmer "I only bought 38 sheep!"
"I know," said the sheepdog "but I rounded them up.."
West Ham and Spurs fans have been banned from away games in Europe this season after their behaviour the last time their teams participated in European comptetion.
They ripped the sails and pushed the cannon overboard.
Can we have a Bear smilie please?
Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights (because they can't see each other using sign language).
After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife proposes a solution. "Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time."
The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, "Great idea! Now if you want to have sex with ME, reach over and pull on my penis one time." "And if you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis... fifty times!"
Is that an answer? Did u think id forget?
Two Rats are talking in a sewer.
One says to the other, "I'm sick to death of shit... it's all we ever eat...
shit for breakfast, shit for lunch and shit for tea... I'm sick of it."
"Don't worry", replied the other rat... "We're on the piss tonight."