cookie_monster
Well-Known Forumite
it got the 'ooooooooouuuuuf' response in our office- and then giggling.dirtybobby said:lol cue nervous laughter in the audience
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Thats brilliant!age'd parent said:
I don't believe there should be any rules in comedy( Having had to suffer from an early age the irish ( thick..moi??? ) jokes, welsh ( "sheep" nonsense jokes. )etc etc it's just a view on life innit. firm believer there should be no subject you can't laugh at and if you get offended then you haven't got the ability to laugh at yerself!
So loved it , I chuckled for ages
Ta A.P
A fireman is polishing his fire engine outside the fire station when he notices a little girl next door in a little red cart with little ladders hung on the side and garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The little girl is wearing a fireman's helmet and has the cart tied to a dog and a cat.
The fire-fighter walks over admiringly. 'Thanks,' says the little girl. The fireman looks closer and notices the little girl has tied one of the cart's strings to the dog's collar and one to the cat's testicles. 'Little colleague,' says the fire-fighter, 'I don't want to tell you how to run your fire engine, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could probably go a lot faster.'
The little girl pauses for a moment, looks at the wagon, at the dog and at the cat, then up at the fireman and says 'you're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a f**king siren, would I?'
The fire-fighter walks over admiringly. 'Thanks,' says the little girl. The fireman looks closer and notices the little girl has tied one of the cart's strings to the dog's collar and one to the cat's testicles. 'Little colleague,' says the fire-fighter, 'I don't want to tell you how to run your fire engine, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could probably go a lot faster.'
The little girl pauses for a moment, looks at the wagon, at the dog and at the cat, then up at the fireman and says 'you're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a f**king siren, would I?'
A lady walks into a high class jewellery shop. She browses around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely she inadvertently breaks wind. Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn't pop up right now. As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her. Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady with, "Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?" Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may just not have been there at the time of her little 'accident', she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?" He answers, "Madam, if you farted just looking at it, you're going to shit yourself when I tell you the price."
gon2seed
(and me! - Ed)
I walked past the cemetary today. There were four fellas carying a coffin around. I walked back past two hours later, and they were still wandering around with the coffin. I said to myself, "they have lost the plot!"
Then there was the man who had no garden, he was looking forlorn.
What about the two snowmen in a field? One said to the other "Can you smell carrots?"
Then there was the man who had no garden, he was looking forlorn.
What about the two snowmen in a field? One said to the other "Can you smell carrots?"
age'd parent
50,000th poster!
A bloke starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks.
First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds. As he does this a huge fish jumps out and bites him. To show
who is boss, he beats it to death with a spade.
Realising his employer won't be best pleased he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.
Moving on to the second job of clearing out the Chimp house, he is attacked by the chimps that pelt him with
coconuts. He swipes at two chimps with a spade killing them both. What can he do?
Feed them to the lions, he says to himself, because lions eat anything. He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure.
He moves on to the last job which is to collect honey from the South American Bees. As soon as he starts he is attacked by the bees. He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp. By now he knows what to do and throws them! into the lions cage because lions eat anything.
Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. He wanders up to another lion and says "What's the food
like here?"
The lions say: "Absolutely brilliant, today we had Fish and Chimps with Mushy Bees."
First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds. As he does this a huge fish jumps out and bites him. To show
who is boss, he beats it to death with a spade.
Realising his employer won't be best pleased he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.
Moving on to the second job of clearing out the Chimp house, he is attacked by the chimps that pelt him with
coconuts. He swipes at two chimps with a spade killing them both. What can he do?
Feed them to the lions, he says to himself, because lions eat anything. He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure.
He moves on to the last job which is to collect honey from the South American Bees. As soon as he starts he is attacked by the bees. He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp. By now he knows what to do and throws them! into the lions cage because lions eat anything.
Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. He wanders up to another lion and says "What's the food
like here?"
The lions say: "Absolutely brilliant, today we had Fish and Chimps with Mushy Bees."
cookie_monster
Well-Known Forumite
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the clerk. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.
"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a £30,000 loan to take a holiday."
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.
Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
The frog says, "Well, I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."
She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"
The bank manager looks back at her and says...
"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan - his old man's a Rolling Stone."
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"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a £30,000 loan to take a holiday."
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.
Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
The frog says, "Well, I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."
She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"
The bank manager looks back at her and says...
"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan - his old man's a Rolling Stone."
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age'd parent
50,000th poster!
rofl, brilliant, 
This man had been drinking at a pub all night.
The bartender finally said that the bar was closing.
The guy stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time; same result.
He figured he'd crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that would sober him up.
Once outside he stood up and fell flat on his face. So he decided to crawl the 4 blocks to his home.
When he arrived at the door he stood up and again fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door and into his bedroom.
When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into bed and was sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.
He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, 'So, you've been out drinking again!'
'Honey, no I wasn't, I promise. What makes you say that?' he asked, putting on his best innocent look.
'The pub called -- you left your wheelchair again.'
The bartender finally said that the bar was closing.
The guy stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time; same result.
He figured he'd crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that would sober him up.
Once outside he stood up and fell flat on his face. So he decided to crawl the 4 blocks to his home.
When he arrived at the door he stood up and again fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door and into his bedroom.
When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into bed and was sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.
He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, 'So, you've been out drinking again!'
'Honey, no I wasn't, I promise. What makes you say that?' he asked, putting on his best innocent look.
'The pub called -- you left your wheelchair again.'
cookie_monster
Well-Known Forumite
labcm said:
i know i oughtent to laugh but 
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Silverfish
Well-Known Forumite
The next England manager should be Sir Ian Blair. His last team managed seven shots on target in quick succession, and certainly knew a thing or two about putting away Brazilians...