Dear Cyprus Airways

Alan B'Stard

Well-Known Forumite

Found this site some years ago and wasted several days of my life reading through it! Written by an ex-BBC comedy writer and several chunks of his website have now been published.

Dear Coca Cola is quite good as well!

Alan B'Stard

Well-Known Forumite
I'm gonna bump this as I've just given "The Timewaster letters" to my kids and my boy has said how funny they are, which is nothing compared to this!!

Alan B'Stard

Well-Known Forumite
Mr T Ravenscroft
11 Longlands Rd
New Mills
SK12 3BL

31st March 1994
Cyprus Airways
Euston Centre
29/31 Hampstead Road

Dear Cyprus Airways

I would love to visit Cyprus for a holiday, but unfortunately there is one thing stopping me, for despite my being as British as John Bull himself I look extremely Turkish. I have a swarthy complexion, a dusky olive skin, jet black hair and limpid brown eyes. I also have a thick, droopy moustache which has the effect of making me look even more Turkish than I already look. I could of course shave of my moustache, but unfortunately I have a rather unsightly harelip, and on balance I would rather look Turkish than stupid.

I gather that relations between the Greeks and the Turks are somewhat dodgy to say the least, and quite naturally the last thing that I want whilst holiday is to be hounded and unfairly treated by the indigenous population. There is no doubt whatsoever that I would be mistaken for a Turk as last year my wife and I and three other couples went to Turkey for our holidays, and it was quite noticeable that I was the only one of our party not to be constantly pestered by carpet salesmen. In fact one day when I was browsing in the bazaar a Turkish salesman asked me to mind his stall for a few minutes while he went for a haircut, and I almost sold a carpet to two Germans.

However, and despite the handicap of looking Turkish, I would still like to visit Aphrodite's Isle. Perhaps the situation isn't quite as bad as I have been led to believe, and the hostility felt by Greeks and Turks to each other has been exaggerated? My wife fancies the Paphos area, and if Turk-hating isn't too bad in Paphos I might just be persuaded to risk it. What do you think?

Yours faithfully

T Ravenscroft (Mr)


The exchange between the letter writer and the company is very funny indeed.

Terry Ravenscroft used to write for Les Dawson, he was responsible for the Cissie & Ada sketches.


Well-Known Forumite
You might enjoy these..

Alas, as you might expect from winding people up on the internet.. there's rather a lot of potty mouth

Alan B'Stard

Well-Known Forumite
Gonna bump this ancient thread as the author is now on twitter

and his stuff is made available for free download on that amazon book read type thing quite frequently that also works on smart phones.

Very funny stuff and I guarntee that any time spent reading his material is not time wasted.