An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman are all to give speeches to the Deaf and Dumb Society. All are keen to make an impression on their audience. The Englishman goes first and to the surprise of his colleagues starts by rubbing first his chest, and then his groin. When he finishes the Scotsman and Irishman ask him what he was doing.
"Well" he explained "By rubbing my chest I indicated breasts and thus Ladies, and by rubbing my groin I indicated balls and thus Gentlemen. So my speech started: 'Ladies and Gentlemen' ".
On his way up to the podium the Scotsman thought to himself I'll go one better than that English bastard!' and started his speech by making an antler symbol with his fingers above his head before also rubbing his chest and his groin. When he finished his colleagues asked what he was doing.
"Well" he explained "By imitating antlers and then rubbing my chest and groin I was starting my speech by saying 'Dear Ladies and Gentlemen' ".
On his way up to the podium the Irishman thought to himself " I'll go one further than those mainland bastards!' and started his speech by making an antler symbol above his head, rubbing his chest, and then his groin, and then masturbating furiously. When he finished his colleagues asked him what he was doing.
"Well" he explained," by imitating antlers, rubbing my chest and then my groin and then masturbating I was starting my speech by saying 'Dear Ladies and Gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure......."
Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching TV and drinking a beer when
he hears a knock at the door. When he opens it, he is confronted by a
little Chinese man, clutching a clip board and yelling, "You Sign! You
Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts. Nelson is standing
there in complete amazement, when the Chinese man starts to yell louder,
"You Sign! You sign!"
Nelson says to him, "Look, you've obviously got the wrong man", and
shuts the door in his face.
The next day he hears a knock at the door again. When he opens it, the
little Chinese man is back with a huge truck of brake pads. He thrusts
his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling, "You sign! You sign!"
Mr Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he pushes the little
Chinese man back, shouting: "Look, go away! You've got the wrong man.
I don't want them!" Then he slams the door in his face again.
The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, he
hears a knock on the door again.
On opening the door, there is the same little Chinese man thrusting a
clipboard under his nose, shouting, "You sign! You sign!" Behind him are
TWO very large trucks full of car parts. This time Nelson loses his
temper completely, he picks up the little man by his shirt front and
yells at him: "Look, I don't want these! Do you understand? You must
have the wrong name! Who do you want to give these to?"
The little Chinese man looks very puzzled, consults his clipboard, and
Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights (because they can't see each other using sign language).
After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife proposes a solution. "Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time."
The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, "Great idea! Now if you want to have sex with ME, reach over and pull on my penis one time." "And if you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis... fifty times!"