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Give us a joke... go on it might be funny :)
- Thread starter BBC
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I've got a new job.
What is it?
Working on a rollercoaster.
Hows it going?
It's a bit up and down.
I've got a new job.
What is it?
Clearing leaves.
Is it well paid?
I'm raking it in.
I've got a new job
What is it?
Working in a bottle bank
Hows it going?
Smashing!
I apologise
What is it?
Working on a rollercoaster.
Hows it going?
It's a bit up and down.
I've got a new job.
What is it?
Clearing leaves.
Is it well paid?
I'm raking it in.
I've got a new job
What is it?
Working in a bottle bank
Hows it going?
Smashing!
I apologise
cookie_monster
Well-Known Forumite
made me laugh....no apology needed.noir2985 said:
x
Ok, time for some classic Simpsons lines -
Lisa: Dad, what's a Muppet?
Homer: Well, it's not quite a mop, it's not quite a puppet, but man... [laughs hysterically] So to answer your question, I don't know.
Homer: I saw this in a movie about a bus that had to SPEED around a city, keeping its SPEED over fifty, and if its SPEED dropped, it would explode. I think it was called, "The Bus That Couldn't Slow Down."
Homer: Here are your messages: You have 30 minutes to move your car. You have 10 minutes. Your car has been impounded. Your car has been crushed into a cube. You have 30 minutes to move your cube
Homer: Maybe, just once, someone will call me "sir" without adding, "you're making a scene."
Homer: But every time I learn something new, it pushes out something old! Remember that time I took a home wine-making course and forgot how to drive?
Marge: That's because you were drunk!
Homer: And how!
Mr. Burns (Golfing with Homer): Use an open-faced club! A sand wedge!
Homer: Mmmmm... open-faced club sandwich.
Homer: Ahhh... sweet pity. Where would my love life be without it?
Homer: Awww... 20 dollars!? I wanted a peanut.
Homer's brain: 20 dollars can buy many peanuts!
Homer: Explain how.
Homer's brain: Money can be exchanged for goods and services!
Homer: Woo hoo!
That is all!
Lisa: Dad, what's a Muppet?
Homer: Well, it's not quite a mop, it's not quite a puppet, but man... [laughs hysterically] So to answer your question, I don't know.
Homer: I saw this in a movie about a bus that had to SPEED around a city, keeping its SPEED over fifty, and if its SPEED dropped, it would explode. I think it was called, "The Bus That Couldn't Slow Down."
Homer: Here are your messages: You have 30 minutes to move your car. You have 10 minutes. Your car has been impounded. Your car has been crushed into a cube. You have 30 minutes to move your cube
Homer: Maybe, just once, someone will call me "sir" without adding, "you're making a scene."
Homer: But every time I learn something new, it pushes out something old! Remember that time I took a home wine-making course and forgot how to drive?
Marge: That's because you were drunk!
Homer: And how!
Mr. Burns (Golfing with Homer): Use an open-faced club! A sand wedge!
Homer: Mmmmm... open-faced club sandwich.
Homer: Ahhh... sweet pity. Where would my love life be without it?
Homer: Awww... 20 dollars!? I wanted a peanut.
Homer's brain: 20 dollars can buy many peanuts!
Homer: Explain how.
Homer's brain: Money can be exchanged for goods and services!
Homer: Woo hoo!
That is all!
Andreas Rex
Banned for smiling
That is one of my favourite ones...proper guffaw material. The Simpsons rocks!taitou said:
gon2seed
(and me! - Ed)
Farmer Giles gets a phone call from his dozy farmhand;
"Boss oi've run over a pig in the Laaaand Rover, he's stuck under the wheels and he's still wriggling, what shall I do?"
Farmer Giles: "Shoot the F*cka, and bury 'im in a ditch, ya moron"
"Oh roight Boss"
5 mins later Dozy rings Farmer Giles again:
"Oi dun wot you said Boss, now wot do I do with his speed camera and his Panda car?"
"Boss oi've run over a pig in the Laaaand Rover, he's stuck under the wheels and he's still wriggling, what shall I do?"
Farmer Giles: "Shoot the F*cka, and bury 'im in a ditch, ya moron"
"Oh roight Boss"
5 mins later Dozy rings Farmer Giles again:
"Oi dun wot you said Boss, now wot do I do with his speed camera and his Panda car?"
db
#chaplife
this thread has got so many LOLs in it, i don't think i can cope 
Marge: Homer! There's someone here who can help you...
Homer: Is it Batman?
Marge: No, he's a scientist.
Homer: Batman's a scientist?!
Marge: It's not Batman!
you could fill volumes with classic homer quotes..taitou said:
Marge: Homer! There's someone here who can help you...
Homer: Is it Batman?
Marge: No, he's a scientist.
Homer: Batman's a scientist?!
Marge: It's not Batman!
Very unfortunate domain names:
Firstly there is Who Represents?, a database for agencies to the rich and famous: http://www.whorepresents.com/
Second is the Experts Exchange, a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views: http://www.expertsexchange.com
Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island: http://www.penisland.net
Need a therapist? Try: http://www.therapistfinder.com
And there is an Italian Power company: http://www.powergenitalia.com
Finally we have the Mole Station Native Nursery, based in New South Wales: http://www.molestationnursery.com
Firstly there is Who Represents?, a database for agencies to the rich and famous: http://www.whorepresents.com/
Second is the Experts Exchange, a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views: http://www.expertsexchange.com
Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island: http://www.penisland.net
Need a therapist? Try: http://www.therapistfinder.com
And there is an Italian Power company: http://www.powergenitalia.com
Finally we have the Mole Station Native Nursery, based in New South Wales: http://www.molestationnursery.com
rich upsetter
Cuffy is the new skill
i need some whore presents. 
A husband and wife were sharing a bottle of wine when the husband said, "I bet you can't tell me something that will make me happy and sad at the same time".
The wife thought for a few moments, then said, "Your dick's bigger than your brother's".
Thanks so much, you've been a great audience! [and yes, she's single, folks!
]
The wife thought for a few moments, then said, "Your dick's bigger than your brother's".
Thanks so much, you've been a great audience! [and yes, she's single, folks!
]
Wookie
Official Forum Linker
The last time I was in Spain I got through six Jeffrey Archer novels. I must remember to take enough toilet paper next time.
Personally, I don't think there's intelligent life on other planets. Why should other planets be different from this one?
My wife said: "Can my mother come down for the weekend?" So I said: "Why?" And she said: "Well, she's been up on the roof two weeks already."
My mother tried to kill me when I was a baby. She denied it. She said she thought the plastic bag would keep me fresh.
Where's me coat?
Personally, I don't think there's intelligent life on other planets. Why should other planets be different from this one?
My wife said: "Can my mother come down for the weekend?" So I said: "Why?" And she said: "Well, she's been up on the roof two weeks already."
My mother tried to kill me when I was a baby. She denied it. She said she thought the plastic bag would keep me fresh.
Where's me coat?
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a'salted.
Did you hear about the icecream man, found dead and covered in sprinkles in his van? Police believe he topped himself.
A man drowned in his breakfast cereal today. Eye-witnesses state he was pulled in by a strong currant.
I have a fondness for corny jokes.
Did you hear about the icecream man, found dead and covered in sprinkles in his van? Police believe he topped himself.
A man drowned in his breakfast cereal today. Eye-witnesses state he was pulled in by a strong currant.
I have a fondness for corny jokes.
Time for some Father Ted!
Ted: Did you bring the travel scrabble Dougal?
Dougal: I brought the normal scrabble and the travel scrabble, Ted. The travel scrabble for when we were travelling, and the normal scrabble for when we arrived!
Ted: Good man!
Dougal: Ah,no,wait a minute....now that I think of it I didn't bring either of them! God , I'm an awful eejit!
TED- (After singing 'My Lovely Horse') So what did you think about it in general, then?
<Father Jack pulls out a shotgun and shoots Ted's Guitar>
TED- Right.
DOUGAL- I know! Well lure them into a giant bingo game!
TED- And how are we going to do that?
DOUGAL- We'll print up some bingo cards on our printing press and......oh.
TED- Yes, it's the lack of a printing press that lets us down there. Or bingo balls. Or a PA system. Or in fact, any bingo paraphernalia at all.
DOUGAL- Damn. So near, yet so far.
DOUGAL- I'm not good at judging the size of crowds, but I'd say there's about 17 Million of them out there.
Jack: ARSEBISCUITS!
Dougal: Watch this, Ted. (rubs letters off blackboard) You see? You can rub off the letters.
Ted: But, Dougal, you can do that with any blackboard.
Dougal: What?
Ted: What was it [Jack] used to say about the needy? He had a term for them.
Dougal: A shower of bastards.
Dougal: What's going on?
Priest: I think Ted has a plan
Dougal: No. I mean in general.
And my favourite -
Jack: THAT WOULD BE AN ECUMENICAL MATTER!!
Ted: Did you bring the travel scrabble Dougal?
Dougal: I brought the normal scrabble and the travel scrabble, Ted. The travel scrabble for when we were travelling, and the normal scrabble for when we arrived!
Ted: Good man!
Dougal: Ah,no,wait a minute....now that I think of it I didn't bring either of them! God , I'm an awful eejit!
TED- (After singing 'My Lovely Horse') So what did you think about it in general, then?
<Father Jack pulls out a shotgun and shoots Ted's Guitar>
TED- Right.
DOUGAL- I know! Well lure them into a giant bingo game!
TED- And how are we going to do that?
DOUGAL- We'll print up some bingo cards on our printing press and......oh.
TED- Yes, it's the lack of a printing press that lets us down there. Or bingo balls. Or a PA system. Or in fact, any bingo paraphernalia at all.
DOUGAL- Damn. So near, yet so far.
DOUGAL- I'm not good at judging the size of crowds, but I'd say there's about 17 Million of them out there.
Jack: ARSEBISCUITS!
Dougal: Watch this, Ted. (rubs letters off blackboard) You see? You can rub off the letters.
Ted: But, Dougal, you can do that with any blackboard.
Dougal: What?
Ted: What was it [Jack] used to say about the needy? He had a term for them.
Dougal: A shower of bastards.
Dougal: What's going on?
Priest: I think Ted has a plan
Dougal: No. I mean in general.
And my favourite -
Jack: THAT WOULD BE AN ECUMENICAL MATTER!!
The Pope, a schoolboy and an unnamed American President are in a plane. Suddenly the pilot suffers a heart attack and the craft takes a nosedive. As the engines sputter, the three passengers try to stay calm.
'Well,' says the Pope, 'we have established that none of us can land this baby, so we're going to have to jump for it.'
'But there are only two parachutes,' says the boy, pointing to a pile of bundles by the exit.
Without hesitating, the American President rushes over to them, takes one and shouts: 'I am the President of the United States of America. I am the world's most powerful leader. And apart from that, I am the most intelligent President in the history of my country. I have a responsibility to my people not to die.'
With that, he leaps out of the plane.
Now the Pope turns calmly to the schoolboy and says: 'I am already old. I have already lived my life as a good person and a priest. There is a place for me in heaven. I insist you take the last parachute.'
'No need,' says the boy, 'America's most intelligent President has taken my schoolbag...'
'Well,' says the Pope, 'we have established that none of us can land this baby, so we're going to have to jump for it.'
'But there are only two parachutes,' says the boy, pointing to a pile of bundles by the exit.
Without hesitating, the American President rushes over to them, takes one and shouts: 'I am the President of the United States of America. I am the world's most powerful leader. And apart from that, I am the most intelligent President in the history of my country. I have a responsibility to my people not to die.'
With that, he leaps out of the plane.
Now the Pope turns calmly to the schoolboy and says: 'I am already old. I have already lived my life as a good person and a priest. There is a place for me in heaven. I insist you take the last parachute.'
'No need,' says the boy, 'America's most intelligent President has taken my schoolbag...'
A man is staying at a seaside B&B.
He walks down to breakfast in the morning, and is approached by the owner.
"Would you like the full English breakfast sir?", she asked.
"No thanks... could I just have a slice of toast and 3 tins of beans please?"
he replied.
"Of course sir. May I say, that is a lot of beans."
"Is that a problem?"
"No sir, not at all."
After breakfast, the man leaves the hotel.
Later in the day, 2 police officers call at the hotel and ask to speak to the
owner.
"Excuse me madam, do you have a Mr. Smith staying here?"
"Yes I do officers... is there something wrong?"
"We're afraid we've got some bad news... we found Mr. Smith earlier today...
he commited suicide by jumping off the pier. He left a note saying he was very
depressed and couldn't face life any more."
The hotel owner looked very shocked. "I'm really surprised", she began... "He
was full of beans this morning."
He walks down to breakfast in the morning, and is approached by the owner.
"Would you like the full English breakfast sir?", she asked.
"No thanks... could I just have a slice of toast and 3 tins of beans please?"
he replied.
"Of course sir. May I say, that is a lot of beans."
"Is that a problem?"
"No sir, not at all."
After breakfast, the man leaves the hotel.
Later in the day, 2 police officers call at the hotel and ask to speak to the
owner.
"Excuse me madam, do you have a Mr. Smith staying here?"
"Yes I do officers... is there something wrong?"
"We're afraid we've got some bad news... we found Mr. Smith earlier today...
he commited suicide by jumping off the pier. He left a note saying he was very
depressed and couldn't face life any more."
The hotel owner looked very shocked. "I'm really surprised", she began... "He
was full of beans this morning."