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Cake Or Bed
A Husband Is At Home Watching A
Football Match When His Wife Interrupts,
'honey, Could You Fix The Light In The Hallway?
It's Been Flickering For Weeks Now.'
He Looks At Her And Says Angrily,
'fix The Lights Now? Does It Look Like I Have 'powergen' Written On My Forehead?
I Don't Think So!'
'fine!'
Then The Wife Asks,
'well Then, Could You Fix The Fridge Door?
It Won't Close Right'
To Which He Replied,
'fix The Fridge Door?
Does It Look Like I Have 'fridgidaire'
Written On My Forehead?
I Don't Think So!'
'fine!' She Says
'then You Could At Least Fix The Steps
To The Front Door? They Are About To Break'
'i'm Not A Carpenter And I Don't
Want To Fix Steps', He Says, 'does It Look Like I Have 'taylor Woodrow' Written On My Forehead?
I Don't Think So! I've Had Enough Of This, I'm Going To The Pub!!!!'
So He Goes To The Pub And Drinks For A
Couple Of Hours................
He Starts To Feel Guilty About How
He Treated His Wife, And Decides
To Go Home
As He Walks Into The House He Notices
That The Steps Are Already Fixed.
As He Enters The House , He Sees The
Hall Light Is Working
As He Goes To Get A Beer, He Notices
The Fridge Door Is Fixed.
Honey, He Asks, 'how'd All This Get Fixed?'
She Said, 'well, When You Left I Sat
Outside And Cried. Just Then A Nice Young Man Asked Me What Was Wrong, And I Told Him.
He Offered To Do All The Repairs, And All I Had To Do Was Either Go To Bed With Him Or Bake A Cake.'
He Said,
'so What Kind Of Cake Did You Bake?'
She Replied, 'hellooooo.., Do You See 'mr Kipling' Written On My Forehead? I Don't Think So!'
A Husband Is At Home Watching A
Football Match When His Wife Interrupts,
'honey, Could You Fix The Light In The Hallway?
It's Been Flickering For Weeks Now.'
He Looks At Her And Says Angrily,
'fix The Lights Now? Does It Look Like I Have 'powergen' Written On My Forehead?
I Don't Think So!'
'fine!'
Then The Wife Asks,
'well Then, Could You Fix The Fridge Door?
It Won't Close Right'
To Which He Replied,
'fix The Fridge Door?
Does It Look Like I Have 'fridgidaire'
Written On My Forehead?
I Don't Think So!'
'fine!' She Says
'then You Could At Least Fix The Steps
To The Front Door? They Are About To Break'
'i'm Not A Carpenter And I Don't
Want To Fix Steps', He Says, 'does It Look Like I Have 'taylor Woodrow' Written On My Forehead?
I Don't Think So! I've Had Enough Of This, I'm Going To The Pub!!!!'
So He Goes To The Pub And Drinks For A
Couple Of Hours................
He Starts To Feel Guilty About How
He Treated His Wife, And Decides
To Go Home
As He Walks Into The House He Notices
That The Steps Are Already Fixed.
As He Enters The House , He Sees The
Hall Light Is Working
As He Goes To Get A Beer, He Notices
The Fridge Door Is Fixed.
Honey, He Asks, 'how'd All This Get Fixed?'
She Said, 'well, When You Left I Sat
Outside And Cried. Just Then A Nice Young Man Asked Me What Was Wrong, And I Told Him.
He Offered To Do All The Repairs, And All I Had To Do Was Either Go To Bed With Him Or Bake A Cake.'
He Said,
'so What Kind Of Cake Did You Bake?'
She Replied, 'hellooooo.., Do You See 'mr Kipling' Written On My Forehead? I Don't Think So!'
mickyboy
Well-Known Forumite
Interesting Human Body Facts
- The largest cell in the human body is the female egg, and the
smallest is the male sperm.
- A full bladder is roughly the size of a soft ball.
- It takes food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.
- The attachment of human muscles to skin is what causes dimples.
- The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb.
- A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.
- If the average male never shaved, his beard would be 13 feet long
when he died.
- Men with hairless chests are more likely to get cirrhosis of the
liver than men with hair.
- There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.
- Side by side, 2000 cells from the human body could cover about one
square inch.
- Women blink twice as much as men.
- The average person's skin weighs twice as much as their brain.
- When you are looking at someone you love, your pupils dilate...they
do the same when you are looking at someone you hate!
- Your ears secrete more earwax when you are afraid than when you
aren't.
- Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing
still.
- If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.
- The average woman is 5 inches shorter than the average man.
Admit it.........................................
*********** You looked at your thumb..... Didn't you?**********
- The largest cell in the human body is the female egg, and the
smallest is the male sperm.
- A full bladder is roughly the size of a soft ball.
- It takes food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.
- The attachment of human muscles to skin is what causes dimples.
- The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb.
- A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.
- If the average male never shaved, his beard would be 13 feet long
when he died.
- Men with hairless chests are more likely to get cirrhosis of the
liver than men with hair.
- There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.
- Side by side, 2000 cells from the human body could cover about one
square inch.
- Women blink twice as much as men.
- The average person's skin weighs twice as much as their brain.
- When you are looking at someone you love, your pupils dilate...they
do the same when you are looking at someone you hate!
- Your ears secrete more earwax when you are afraid than when you
aren't.
- Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing
still.
- If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.
- The average woman is 5 inches shorter than the average man.
Admit it.........................................
*********** You looked at your thumb..... Didn't you?**********
This could happen to you.
I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other cubicle saying:
'Hi, how are you?'
I'm not the type to start a conversation in the toilet but I don't know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed,
'Doin' just fine!'
And the other person says:
'So what are you up to?'
What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say:
'Uhhh, I'm like you, just traveling!'
At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question.
'Can I come over?'
Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I thought I could just be polite and end the conversation. I tell them
'No.......I'm a little busy right now!!!'
Then I hear the person say nervously...
'Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other cubicle who keeps answering all my questions.
Mobile phones, don't you just love them.
I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other cubicle saying:
'Hi, how are you?'
I'm not the type to start a conversation in the toilet but I don't know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed,
'Doin' just fine!'
And the other person says:
'So what are you up to?'
What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say:
'Uhhh, I'm like you, just traveling!'
At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question.
'Can I come over?'
Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I thought I could just be polite and end the conversation. I tell them
'No.......I'm a little busy right now!!!'
Then I hear the person say nervously...
'Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other cubicle who keeps answering all my questions.
Mobile phones, don't you just love them.
An old man was in hospital for some long and complex surgery. During his time
in the recovery room he opened one rheumy and watery pale eye and said to the
nurse, "are my testicles black?"
The Sister was a little taken aback but was nevertheless a consummate
professional. Carefully pulling back the sheets she inspected the old boys
nether regions, carefully replaced the sheets and told him very gently that
his testicles were just the colour they should be for a man of his age.
The old man stared at the nurse with the same rheumy and watery pale eye, took
off his oxygen mask and said," thank you for that, but are my test results
back?"
in the recovery room he opened one rheumy and watery pale eye and said to the
nurse, "are my testicles black?"
The Sister was a little taken aback but was nevertheless a consummate
professional. Carefully pulling back the sheets she inspected the old boys
nether regions, carefully replaced the sheets and told him very gently that
his testicles were just the colour they should be for a man of his age.
The old man stared at the nurse with the same rheumy and watery pale eye, took
off his oxygen mask and said," thank you for that, but are my test results
back?"
that is brilliant..
FooFighter
Well-Known Forumite
What do the Chinese take before elections?
Viagla
Viagla
age'd parent
50,000th poster!
A young Native American woman went to a doctor for her first ever
physical exam.
After checking all of her vitals and running the usual tests the doctor
said,
'Well, Running Doe, you're in fine health. I could find no problems.
However, I did notice one small anomaly.'
'Oh, what is that, Doctor?'
'Well, you have no nipples.'
'None of the people in my tribe have nipples,' she replied.
'That's amazing' said the doctor.
'If you don't mind, I'd like to write this up for The South Carolina
Journal of Medicine.'
She said, 'OK.'
'First of all' asked the doctor, 'how many people are in your tribe?'
She answered, 'Approximately 500.'
'And what's the name of your tribe' asked the doctor.
Running Doe replied........
'We're called The Indian Nippleless Five Hundred.'
physical exam.
After checking all of her vitals and running the usual tests the doctor
said,
'Well, Running Doe, you're in fine health. I could find no problems.
However, I did notice one small anomaly.'
'Oh, what is that, Doctor?'
'Well, you have no nipples.'
'None of the people in my tribe have nipples,' she replied.
'That's amazing' said the doctor.
'If you don't mind, I'd like to write this up for The South Carolina
Journal of Medicine.'
She said, 'OK.'
'First of all' asked the doctor, 'how many people are in your tribe?'
She answered, 'Approximately 500.'
'And what's the name of your tribe' asked the doctor.
Running Doe replied........
'We're called The Indian Nippleless Five Hundred.'
Nutrition
In the beginning God covered the earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, with green, yellow and red vegetables of all kinds so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.
Then using God's bountiful gifts, Satan created Dairy Ice Cream and Magnums. And Satan said, 'You want hot fudge with that? And Man said, 'Yes!' And Woman said, 'I'll have one too with chocolate chips'. And lo they gained 10 pounds.
And God created the healthy yoghurt that woman might keep the figure that man found so fair.
And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat and sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 12 to size 14.
So God said, 'Try my fresh green salad'. And Satan presented Blue Cheese dressing and garlic croutons on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.
God then said 'I have sent you healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them'.
And Satan brought forth deep fried coconut king prawns, butter-dipped lobster chunks and chicken fried steak, so big it needed its own platter, and Man's cholesterol went through the roof.
Then God brought forth the potato; naturally low in fat and brimming with potassium and good nutrition.
Then Satan peeled off the healthy skin and sliced the starchy centre into chips and deep-fried them in animal fats adding copious quantities of salt. And Man put on more pounds. God then brought forth running shoes so that his Children might lose those extra pounds.
And Satan came forth with a cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering light and started wearing stretch jogging suits.
Then God gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite.
And Satan created McDonalds and the 99p double cheeseburger. Then Satan said 'You want fries with that?' and Man replied, 'Yes, and super size 'em'. And Satan said, 'It is good.' And Man and Woman went into cardiac arrest.
God sighed ......... and created quadruple by-pass surgery.
And then ............ Satan chuckled and created the National Health Service.
THE FINAL WORD ON NUTRITION
After an exhaustive review of the research literature, here's the final word on nutrition and health.:
1. Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
2. Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
3. Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
4. Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
5. Germans drink beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
6. The French eat foie-gras, full fat cheese and drink red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
In the beginning God covered the earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, with green, yellow and red vegetables of all kinds so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.
Then using God's bountiful gifts, Satan created Dairy Ice Cream and Magnums. And Satan said, 'You want hot fudge with that? And Man said, 'Yes!' And Woman said, 'I'll have one too with chocolate chips'. And lo they gained 10 pounds.
And God created the healthy yoghurt that woman might keep the figure that man found so fair.
And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat and sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 12 to size 14.
So God said, 'Try my fresh green salad'. And Satan presented Blue Cheese dressing and garlic croutons on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.
God then said 'I have sent you healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them'.
And Satan brought forth deep fried coconut king prawns, butter-dipped lobster chunks and chicken fried steak, so big it needed its own platter, and Man's cholesterol went through the roof.
Then God brought forth the potato; naturally low in fat and brimming with potassium and good nutrition.
Then Satan peeled off the healthy skin and sliced the starchy centre into chips and deep-fried them in animal fats adding copious quantities of salt. And Man put on more pounds. God then brought forth running shoes so that his Children might lose those extra pounds.
And Satan came forth with a cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering light and started wearing stretch jogging suits.
Then God gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite.
And Satan created McDonalds and the 99p double cheeseburger. Then Satan said 'You want fries with that?' and Man replied, 'Yes, and super size 'em'. And Satan said, 'It is good.' And Man and Woman went into cardiac arrest.
God sighed ......... and created quadruple by-pass surgery.
And then ............ Satan chuckled and created the National Health Service.
THE FINAL WORD ON NUTRITION
After an exhaustive review of the research literature, here's the final word on nutrition and health.:
1. Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
2. Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
3. Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
4. Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
5. Germans drink beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
6. The French eat foie-gras, full fat cheese and drink red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
mickyboy
Well-Known Forumite
One night, mummy balloon and daddy balloon were in bed, there's a right evil thunderstorm going on and baby balloon is scared.
So, baby balloon does what any little balloon will do and goes to try and get in bed with mummy and daddy balloon.
However, there's a problem - there's not enough room in the bed.
So - baby balloon comes up with an idea. It decides to let a liiiiittle bit of air out of mummy balloon.
No luck - still not enough room in bed.
So baby balloon tries again... and lets a liiiiiiiiiittle bit of air out of daddy balloon.
Same as before - still not enough room in bed... but it's getting there...
So, as a final try baby balloon lets a liiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiittle bit of air out of himself.
FANTASTIC! There's just enough room and baby balloon gets in bed with mummy balloon and daddy balloon. Snug as a bug in a rug. Baby balloon has a great night's sleep.
Next morning, baby balloon wakes up and sees that mummy and daddy balloon are nowhere to be seen. Baby balloon gets up and walks downstairs. Spotting its parents in the kitchen, baby balloon walks over to them but can't help noticing that daddy balloon is giving him serious evils.
"Daddy, what's wrong...?" asks baby balloon...
"Don't come that with me... you know exactly what you've done..." replies daddy balloon ...
"You've let me down, you've let your mum down, but most of all you've let yourself down..."
So, baby balloon does what any little balloon will do and goes to try and get in bed with mummy and daddy balloon.
However, there's a problem - there's not enough room in the bed.
So - baby balloon comes up with an idea. It decides to let a liiiiittle bit of air out of mummy balloon.
No luck - still not enough room in bed.
So baby balloon tries again... and lets a liiiiiiiiiittle bit of air out of daddy balloon.
Same as before - still not enough room in bed... but it's getting there...
So, as a final try baby balloon lets a liiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiittle bit of air out of himself.
FANTASTIC! There's just enough room and baby balloon gets in bed with mummy balloon and daddy balloon. Snug as a bug in a rug. Baby balloon has a great night's sleep.
Next morning, baby balloon wakes up and sees that mummy and daddy balloon are nowhere to be seen. Baby balloon gets up and walks downstairs. Spotting its parents in the kitchen, baby balloon walks over to them but can't help noticing that daddy balloon is giving him serious evils.
"Daddy, what's wrong...?" asks baby balloon...
"Don't come that with me... you know exactly what you've done..." replies daddy balloon ...
"You've let me down, you've let your mum down, but most of all you've let yourself down..."