Give us a joke... go on it might be funny :)

[mickyboy]

I walked into a shop and said, "Ten Lambert please, mate."

The cashier said, "It's not mate. My name is on my badge."

So I replied, "Okay. Ten Lambert please, ASDA."

 

[joshua]

So apparently the miners are finally being brought up one at a time through a capsule being lowered down the hole.
Just think how tempting it would be for the second last person to be brought up to say, "No more left, I'm the last one."

 

[joshua]

The new Roman Catholic version of Cluedo is so easy; the outcome is always the same.

Reverend Green did it in the study with the choirboy.

 

[joshua]

Tell tale signs your living to close to Stafford:

1. Your spouse has a poster of Russian Robert smiling as a role model.

2. You let your 12 year old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.

3. You've been married 3 times and still have the same in laws.

4. The phrase "Thunderbirds are go!" reminds you the off licence has just opened.

5. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

6. One or more of your kids was born on a pool table.

7. One or more of your kids was conceived on a pool table.

8. You can't get married to your childhood sweetheart because of the current bestiality laws.

 

[mickyboy]

Chilean miner making love to his wife for first time since release:

Miner: 'Can we switch the lights off?' . . .
Wife: 'Of course honey' . . .

Miner: 'Can I have you from behind?' . . .
Wife: 'Anything you want my brave boy' . . .

Miner: 'Can I call you Pedro? . . . . . '

 

[mickyboy]

Medal of Honour has been described as the most
controversial game ever because there's a level
where you have to shoot Americans in Afghanistan.

So, you play as an American then?

 

[mickyboy]

British rescue operation.

Use stealth tactics to get into the enemy building.
Use silenced weapons and gas to disable combatants and avoid detection.
Rescue victim quickly and without taking any casualties.

American rescue operation.

Roll up in Hummers, because they are cool.
Throw grenades at building until everyone inside is dead, because explosions are f***ing cool.
Dragcorpse of person you just 'rescued' out of the rubble and stick American flag in them.
High five anyone in your platoon still alive.

 

[joshua]

Oh shit. my computer uses U.S. English. I wanted
to 'save' the document but accidentally blew it
up.

 

[Gerry Melon]

My gran was telling me the other day that men arn't as polite and kind as they were when she was young. I had to sit here down and explain it's because they're not trying to f*@k her anymore.

 

[joshua]

I got pulled over by the police and they asked me "how fast do you think you were going?"

I said "approximately sixty seven thousand miles an hour"

Thankfully my knowledge of celestial animation stood up in court.

 

[Vault_girl]

The iPad: Because the iPhone was too small for other people to notice you.

 

[Withnail]

Two goldfish in a tank.

One turns to the other and says,
How the f**k do you drive this thing?

Sorry, Wormella. I can't think 'goldfish' without thinking of this joke.

 

[wmrcomputers]

Two nuns in a bath. One turns to the other and says, "Where's the soap?". The other replies, "It does a bit, doesn't it!"

SORRY! And for anyone who thinks "I don't get it", you might not want to think about it too hard either

 

[Withnail]

You see now, there's the joke i can't think 'nuns' without thinking.

And sometimes 'soap'.

 

[wmrcomputers]

 

[joshua]

'If we give a room full of monkeys coffee machines, will they come up with the perfect cup of coffee?'

No. And that's why Cafe Nero's is shit.

 

[joshua]

If you have a parrot and you don't teach it to say, "Help, they've turned me into a parrot", you are wasting everybody's time.

 

[mickyboy]

A young man moved from his parents home into a new apartment of his own and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox.
While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing a robe.
The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him.
As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on.
The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.
After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming."

He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.
Now completely nude, she purred at him,
"What would you say is my best feature?" Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears."

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural. I work out every day and my butt is firm and solid. Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere, so how can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?!"
Clearing his throat, he stammered, "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming, that was me..."

 

[joshua]

"so where did you train to be a terrorist?"
"At the Suicide Bomber facility"
"Oh really? Nice Place?"
"It was..."
"Why, what happened"
"New guy...."

 

[mickyboy]

Paul the Octopus has died.

As a tribute, Sky Sports will be showing his favourite ten tackles...