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Give us a joke... go on it might be funny :)
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gilbert grape
Well-Known Forumite
Went to bed last night and swallowed a bottle of tippex instead of viagra by mistake. Woke up with a massive correction!!
joshua
Well-Known Forumite
Some thoughts for the day.
10 - Life is sexually transmitted.
9 - Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can
Die.
8 - Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see one without an
erection, make him a sandwich.
7 - Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to
use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.
6 - Some people are like a Slinky... Not really good for anything, but you
still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.
5 - Health freaks are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals
dying of nothing.
4 - All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention
to criticism.
3 - Why does a slight tax increase cost you £50 and a substantial tax cut
saves you 50p?
2 - In the 60s, people took LSD to make the world weird. Now the world is
weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
AND THE NUMBER 1 THOUGHT FOR 2006: We know exactly where any untaxed car
is located among the millions of Cars in Britain......
But we haven't got a clue as to where thousands of illegal immigrants and
Terrorists are located. Maybe we should put the DVLA in charge of
Immigration.......
10 - Life is sexually transmitted.
9 - Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can
Die.
8 - Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see one without an
erection, make him a sandwich.
7 - Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to
use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.
6 - Some people are like a Slinky... Not really good for anything, but you
still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.
5 - Health freaks are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals
dying of nothing.
4 - All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention
to criticism.
3 - Why does a slight tax increase cost you £50 and a substantial tax cut
saves you 50p?
2 - In the 60s, people took LSD to make the world weird. Now the world is
weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
AND THE NUMBER 1 THOUGHT FOR 2006: We know exactly where any untaxed car
is located among the millions of Cars in Britain......
But we haven't got a clue as to where thousands of illegal immigrants and
Terrorists are located. Maybe we should put the DVLA in charge of
Immigration.......
Trumpet
Well-Known Forumite
An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a German, a Yank, an Egyptian, a Jap, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and an African went to a night club.
The bouncer said, "Sorry, I can’t let you in without a Thai"
The bouncer said, "Sorry, I can’t let you in without a Thai"
wayneholt
Well-Known Forumite
I was told a story about how three Nuns had crossed a middle eastern dessert to deliver bibles to a local village. There were two Nuns in training and a Mother Superior. Along the way, they had run out of food and water. The Nuns stopped to figure out what the hell they were going to do. The nuns turned to the mother superior and said
"Mother Superior. We really need some sustanence for the last bit of the journey and all we have is this bag of flower. Without anything, we will surely die".
The Mother Superior thought for a moment and came up with a great idea.
"Ok. We will make a little ditch in the sand. We will put the flour in the ditch. We shall then stand above it and look to the heavens......and produce water from our selves to make unlavened bread".
The first Nun stood above, lifted her dress and forced with all of her might.
"Mother Superior, I can't do it".
The second Nun attempted this task. Forced with all of her might and still, nothing came out.
"Mother Superior I can't do it".
The Mother Superior replies
"It's clear you both do not have enough faith. I will do it".
She stands above the flour and lifts up her dress. She prays and forces with all of her might. Out of no where she let's out the biggest fart and blows the flour away.
The other two Nuns pissed themselves laughing......
"Mother Superior. We really need some sustanence for the last bit of the journey and all we have is this bag of flower. Without anything, we will surely die".
The Mother Superior thought for a moment and came up with a great idea.
"Ok. We will make a little ditch in the sand. We will put the flour in the ditch. We shall then stand above it and look to the heavens......and produce water from our selves to make unlavened bread".
The first Nun stood above, lifted her dress and forced with all of her might.
"Mother Superior, I can't do it".
The second Nun attempted this task. Forced with all of her might and still, nothing came out.
"Mother Superior I can't do it".
The Mother Superior replies
"It's clear you both do not have enough faith. I will do it".
She stands above the flour and lifts up her dress. She prays and forces with all of her might. Out of no where she let's out the biggest fart and blows the flour away.
The other two Nuns pissed themselves laughing......
Wolfie Girl
Well-Known Forumite
A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time....
I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin, 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it. I thought to myself, they've lost the plot!!
I was at a cash point yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.
A new Middle East crisis erupted last night as Dubai Television was refused permission to broadcast 'The Flintstones'. A spokesman for the channel said. "A claim was made that people in Dubai would not understand the humour, but we know for a fact that people in Abu Dhabi Do."
My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!! B******s to this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.
Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy.
Went around to a friend's house today. His wife was sat there with their new-born baby. She asked if I'd like to wind it. I thought that was a bit harsh so I gave it a dead leg instead.
I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.
I was driving this morning when I saw an RAC van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself 'that guy's heading for a breakdown.'
On holiday recently in Spain I saw a sign that said 'English speaking Doctor' - I thought, 'What a good idea, why don't we have them in our country?'
Admin edit: Moved post to correct thread.
I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin, 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it. I thought to myself, they've lost the plot!!
I was at a cash point yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.
A new Middle East crisis erupted last night as Dubai Television was refused permission to broadcast 'The Flintstones'. A spokesman for the channel said. "A claim was made that people in Dubai would not understand the humour, but we know for a fact that people in Abu Dhabi Do."
My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!! B******s to this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.
Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy.
Went around to a friend's house today. His wife was sat there with their new-born baby. She asked if I'd like to wind it. I thought that was a bit harsh so I gave it a dead leg instead.
I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.
I was driving this morning when I saw an RAC van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself 'that guy's heading for a breakdown.'
On holiday recently in Spain I saw a sign that said 'English speaking Doctor' - I thought, 'What a good idea, why don't we have them in our country?'
Admin edit: Moved post to correct thread.
stoofer34
Well-Known Forumite
I recently went to the Patent Office to register my inventions.
At reception a lady handed me a form to fill in.
She obtained my details and then asked me what I had invented.
"A folding bottle." says I.
"OK, what do you call it?" she asks.
"A Fottle." says I.
"What else have you invented?" says she.
"A folding carton, and before you ask it's a Farton."
"Those are silly names for products and one of them sounds awfully crude." says she.
I was so mad that I left left the Patent Office without telling the silly moo about my folding bucket.
S
_________________
At reception a lady handed me a form to fill in.
She obtained my details and then asked me what I had invented.
"A folding bottle." says I.
"OK, what do you call it?" she asks.
"A Fottle." says I.
"What else have you invented?" says she.
"A folding carton, and before you ask it's a Farton."
"Those are silly names for products and one of them sounds awfully crude." says she.
I was so mad that I left left the Patent Office without telling the silly moo about my folding bucket.
S
_________________
mickyboy
Well-Known Forumite
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are all standing watching a street performer do some excellent juggling. The juggler notices that the four gentlemen have a very poor view, so he stands up on a large wooden box and calls out, "Can you all see me now?"
"Yes."
"Oui."
"Sí."
"Ja."
"Yes."
"Oui."
"Sí."
"Ja."
United57
Well-Known Forumite
The family wheeled Grandma out onto the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the
activities for her 100th birthday were taking place. Grandma couldn't speak
very well, but she would write notes when she needed to communicate.
After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the
right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed
pillows on her right. A short time later, she started leaning off to her
left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left. Soon
she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her, and
then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.
A grandson who arrived late came up to Grandma and said, 'Hi, Grandma,
you're looking good! How are they treating you?'
Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the
grandson.......
'Bastards won't let me fart!'
activities for her 100th birthday were taking place. Grandma couldn't speak
very well, but she would write notes when she needed to communicate.
After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the
right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed
pillows on her right. A short time later, she started leaning off to her
left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left. Soon
she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her, and
then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.
A grandson who arrived late came up to Grandma and said, 'Hi, Grandma,
you're looking good! How are they treating you?'
Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the
grandson.......
'Bastards won't let me fart!'
Man is at the airport.
- Name?
- Abdul al-Rhazib.
- Sex?
- Three to five times a week.
- No, no... I mean, male or female?
- Male, female, sometimes camel.
- Holy cow!
- Yes, cow, sheep, animals in general.
- But isn ´ t that hostile?
- Horse style, doggy style, any style!
- Oh dear!
- No, no! Deer run too fast!
- Name?
- Abdul al-Rhazib.
- Sex?
- Three to five times a week.
- No, no... I mean, male or female?
- Male, female, sometimes camel.
- Holy cow!
- Yes, cow, sheep, animals in general.
- But isn ´ t that hostile?
- Horse style, doggy style, any style!
- Oh dear!
- No, no! Deer run too fast!
