Give us a joke... go on it might be funny :)

Trumpet

Trumpet

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Going through a bit of a rough patch with the Mrs at the moment. A mate of mine said that I should take her out just like it's our first date.
So I took her to the pictures and afterwards plied her with brandy and babychams, still didn't get me leg over so dropped her off at her mum's.
Might see her again next week, see how it goes.
 
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BobClay

BobClay

Well-Known Forumite
Two birds sitting in a tree … …. :heyhey:

Birds2.jpg
 
BobClay

BobClay

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On a Merchant Navy site I go to someone posted that the Roy Rogers museum had finally closed it's door, it was the end of an era.

This immediately generated a number of cowboys and Indians jokes and I felt I had to put in this old pearl, one of my favourites.

Lone Ranger: "Well Tonto, we're surrounded by Indians and running low on ammunition. We could be at the end of the trail here ... "

Tonto: "What's this 'we' shit paleface ?
 
whitelion

whitelion

Well-Known Forumite
Cowboy rides into town, gets a beer in the saloon and asks the bartender if their is anything happening. "Yep, we got us a hanging" The cowboy asks who they are hanging. "The Brown Paper Kid" states the barkeep. " Why do the call him the Brown Paper Kid" asks the cowboy. Bartender " Well his jacket is made of brown paper, his shirt is made of brown paper and his pants are made of brown paper". Cowboy " Why they hanging him". Bartender "Rustling".
 
BobClay

BobClay

Well-Known Forumite
An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he turned to
her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a
conversation with your fellow passenger."
The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total
stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"
"Oh, I don't know," said the atheist. "How about why there is no God, or no
Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?" as he smiled smugly.
"OK," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a
question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass.
Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but
a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"
The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks
about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."
To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss
why there is no God, or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death, when you
don't know shit?"
And then she went back to reading her book
 
BobClay

BobClay

Well-Known Forumite
I got up this morning to sunshine after a week of mizzle and drizzle, so I thought I'd run around the block 4 times , but I got so tired I had to pick the block up and put it back in the toy box. :heyhey:
 
Noah

Noah

Well-Known Forumite
With the man from Rome in a dress wandering around places in Ireland, thought that more than one or two people might understand the only Irish joke I know (other than the Unionists who are a joke everyone knows).

The local Guarda raid a bar in a small village well after closing time and it is packed with people drinking. "Got you for serving after hours" says the sergeant to the landlord. "Oh no" says the landlord, " This is a private party. Johnny McEldo and Christy Mahon are off on a pilgrimage to Lourdes and we are giving them a send off". At that moment there is a sound outside. One of the Guardai pulls open the door and there are three men outside, one with his hand raised to tap on the door. The sergeant glares at him and asks if he is going to Lourdes as well. "No" replies the man, "I am going to knock."
 
BobClay

BobClay

Well-Known Forumite
Who says aircrew don't have a sense of humour …. :heyhey:

Some wisdoms from the world of aviation:

"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed."

"If you see a bomb technician running, keep up with him."

"You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3."

"Latitude is Where We are Lost, &
Longitude is How Long We've been Lost There !"

"The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire."

"If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter --
however, it's probably unsafe in any case "

"If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to."


"That propeller thing at the front of a helicopter is only there to keep the pilot cool.
Watch him start sweating when it stops."


"When one engine fails on a twin-engine air plane, you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash."

"What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots?
If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies;
If ATC screws up, .... The pilot dies."


The three most common expressions (or famous last words), in aviation are:
"Why is it doing that?"
"Where are we?"
and
"Oh Shit !"

" Airspeed, altitude and brains.
Two out of three are needed to successfully complete the flight."

"Mankind has a perfect record in aviation.
We never left one up there!"

"Flying the air plane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground who is incapable of understanding or doing anything about it."

"The Piper Cub is the safest air plane in the world; it can just barely kill you."

"You know that your landing gear is up and locked
when it takes FULL power to taxi to the terminal."

As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives; the rescuer sees a bloodied pilot and asks, "What happened?"
The pilot's reply: "Beats the shit outta me, I just got here myself."

"Take offs are optional, but landings are compulsory."

:aboot:
 
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BobClay

BobClay

Well-Known Forumite
Doctor doctor, every morning when I get up I look in the mirror and throw up … what is wrong with me ?

I don't know, but your eyesight is perfect.
 
Withnail

Withnail

Well-Known Forumite
Except the whole point is he'd have one or the other, not both.

The outcome is not the point at all, the potential for either is.
 
BobClay

BobClay

Well-Known Forumite
I can see why you're depressed. Perhaps a good job you never went to sea.

Having to explain this is sad. The nurse hasn't yet opened the box. The cat is neither alive or dead, but in an undetermined state and will be so until observed and the wave function collapses. At this point she is giving the owner a progress report, which is that the cat is both dead and alive until the box is opened.

But humour is beyond quantum mechanics, some find it funny, some don't. Even the wave function struggles with that one.

Congratulations on killing a funny cartoon, although I suspect it won't be dead, even if it's never alive.
 
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