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Today I Heard.....

Discussion in 'General Chat' started by That-Crazy-Rat-Lady, Nov 6, 2012.

  1. That-Crazy-Rat-Lady

    That-Crazy-Rat-Lady Well-Known Forumite

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    Stealing the idea from 'Today I Saw' Thread!
    Recently I've overheard some pretty funny things....
    (Or maybe they're 'You had to be there moments')

    But go on what have you overheard recently?
     
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  3. That-Crazy-Rat-Lady

    That-Crazy-Rat-Lady Well-Known Forumite

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    To start us off I give you a polish bus driver to a lady who forgot her purse:

    *Polish Accent* 'No worries everybody have blondie moment!'


    And also I give you Chav at Banger Racing:

    'Thet queue's longer than my dick..... an my dicks pretty f***ing long!!'
     
  4. AA Silencers

    AA Silencers Well-Known Forumite

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    The other week in the chip shop I over heard the English Language being woven with silken poetic grace by a couple of 'ladies'. The one lady finished her enthusiastic rant with the words 'it aint rocket surgery is it'. No my dear, more like Brain Science I would suggest.
     
  5. Withnail

    Withnail Well-Known Forumite

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  6. AA Silencers

    AA Silencers Well-Known Forumite

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    At a bonfire at the weekend- 'Don't hit your sister. How many times have we told you not to hit', chastised the parent to their child, and reinforced their point with a thump around the head.
     
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  7. That-Crazy-Rat-Lady

    That-Crazy-Rat-Lady Well-Known Forumite

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    The other day - In a shop and this kid wouldnt stop screaming and screeching - the dad turns to another chap rolls his eyes and says:

    'I wouldnt wish kids on anyone mate'
     
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  8. Gramaisc

    Gramaisc Forum O. G.

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    ..as I was cycling, almost silently, along Gaol Road, a rather posh-looking couple in their sixties - they clearly thought that there was nobody about and he let off a most impressive and particularly raspy fart, which fairly echoed off the prison walls. She punched him in disgust - and probably again, and somewhat harder, after I had shouted "Excellent!"..

    Nearly fell off my bike.
     
  9. That-Crazy-Rat-Lady

    That-Crazy-Rat-Lady Well-Known Forumite

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    Friday at the classic car show - chap turns to his mate and says

    'Rather odd looking women about here aint there?!'

    Why thankyou very much sir!
     
  10. Gramaisc

    Gramaisc Forum O. G.

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    .. the announcer on Radio 3 say "And we'll be playing quite a bit more from Bieber later on in the programme."

    Turned out to really be "Biber"....
     
  11. Jade-clothing

    Jade-clothing Well-Known Forumite

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    Two women on the bus this morning -

    First woman - is he out yet?
    Second woman - dunno if its today or Monday but if he doesn't ring me before 12 he's history
    First woman - but what if he's not out till Monday
    Second woman = I'll ring 'em...................... 'ello Duck - can you tell me if you release prisoners on Christmas Eve?
     
  12. proactive

    proactive Behind you with a big stick!

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    Classy...
     
  13. Withnail

    Withnail Well-Known Forumite

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    ...
    Small Child: Daddy?
    Obviously Not Really Listening Dad: _
    SC: Daddy?
    ONRLD: Yes?
    SC: Tomorrow, can we go tobogganing?
    ONRLD: To where?
     
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  14. Ecker

    Ecker Well-Known Forumite

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    Woman on Bus: Oooh!! I'm windswept, how are you duck?
    Man on Bus: Well, it's not been good, I'm between marriages and me father's lost his leg.
     
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  15. Gramaisc

    Gramaisc Forum O. G.

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    ..the announcer on Radio 3 say 'shite'....


    ..turned out really to be "Scheidt"..
     
  16. andy w

    andy w Well-Known Forumite

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    Wasn't he a team mate of Cuntz back in the 1990's?
     
  17. Gramaisc

    Gramaisc Forum O. G.

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    ..a bird fly into a window in California.
     
  18. peggy

    peggy Well-Known Forumite

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    my husband laughing when my 7 year old told my 6 year old that mommy could fly with her flappy bat wings....the laughing was short lived.
     
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  19. Gramaisc

    Gramaisc Forum O. G.

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    ...the rise and fall of a siren in the distance. I slowed down and checked my mirrors - nothing, except the exasperation of the van driver behind - nothing daunted, I continued to observe carefully, especially at each junction, in case I could spot the approaching emergency vehicle and create some additional lee-way. The siren continued and the van driver became more and more annoyed at my delaying tactics.

    Then, I realised that the 'siren-like noise' was actually coming from the van's almost terminally worn alternator bearing...
     
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  20. Jade-clothing

    Jade-clothing Well-Known Forumite

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    two old ladies in the Soup Kitchen this morning discussing why they were in town today .
    first old dear .... ' I decided to treat myself to a new pair of scissors '
    second old dear ......'oooo I don't blame you duck '
    if I ever get to the stage where I consider a pair of scissors a treat I think I would be ready to give up.
     
  21. Carole

    Carole Well-Known Forumite

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    Funny you should say that Jade

    I went into town to buy some pinking scissors but came back without when I realised that a decent pair would cost me £30.

    So, one day I may decide to "treat myself" and then it may be me you are overhearing.

    But twenty years ago I never thought I would get excited over a pair of scissors either.
     
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