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NEWS IN BRIEF

BA 'Strike consensus emerging'

ACAS negotiators say that a consensus is finally emerging as the BA strikes enter their second week.
"Everyone we know says they'll definitely be booking their Summer holidays with Virgin," said a bleary-eyed(cont. p.94)

Extremely thin pop star pictured looking extremely thin

Friends today expressed shock after an extremely thin pop star who has always been extremely thin was revealed to be extremely thin.
"None of us could have even imagined that we'd be seeing pictures of an extremely thin pop star stepping out of a car looking extremely thin," said other extremely thin pop stars.
(Reuters)

 

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STUPID LETTER OF THE WEEK

Spot the flaw in this letter to Eye reader Carl Mungai, who wrote to Sky to cancel his late mother's account.
"I'm sorry to hear about your loss and would like to offer my condolences. As this account is not registered in your name, I'm unable to process your cancellation request. To be able to cancel the above account, we'll need the account holder to contact us."

 

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Number Crunching

£150 Annual tax break Conservatives are offering to anyone who gets married.

£20,000 Average amount spent on a wedding in UK.

 

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A pair of OTM Belgian Blue heifers from T Jackson achieved 123p and 119p followed by the only cow forward from Miss M A Bonham selling her Aberdeen Anus for 74 1/2 p.

 

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MISSING PERSONS

Little Georgie went missing in the Westminster area of London moments after it was announced on Tuesday morning that the country would be going to the polls.
George is described as "a person of some decription" and is greatly missed by almost no one who knew him.
Friends and family are worried that George might be lost, or worse, wandering around a marginal constituency knocking on doors.
If you spot George Osborne out on the campaign trail, please get in touch with Conservative Central Office immediately, as that means they need to get a stronger lock on the door of the basement they're keeping him in until May 7th.

 

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Cartoon - man opens door to the Grim Reaper;

"Oh, thank goodness you've arrived. I'd nearly outlived my savings."

 

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RYANAIR REFUND

FOLLOWING THE DELAYS AND CANCELLATIONS CAUSED BY THE CLOUD OF DEADLY VOLCANIC ASH, ALL RYANAIR PASSENGERS* SEEKING REIMBURSEMENT FOR EXPENSES AS THEY ARE ENTITLED TO UNDER LAW SHOULD IMMEDIATELY CALL OUR RYANAIR SPECIAL HELPLINE**


* calls are charged at £69 a minute (calls from mobiles will be considerably more), plus a one off charge of £8,750 to cover telephony taxes and miscellaneous items.

** all calls will last a minimum of 40 minutes.

 

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Audio slideshow.

 

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Pseudo Names

...Here in China we look forward to the outcome of your latest experiment in democracy.

HUNG PA
LI MEN

 

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SPOT THE DIFFERENCE

Headline: "Wayne Rooney and Ashley Cole's horror as fellow reveller dies after 'drug collapse' in top London nightclub"

Article: "His spokesman claimed [Rooney] was 'unaware of any incident having taken place...As Wayne was leaving the club he was asked - as were all the guests - whether he had seen anything. He simply told police that he had seen nothing and was not aware of any incident.'"
- Daily Mail, 26 April

 

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VOTING FOR CLEGG WILL GIVE YOU CANCER - AND CAUSE COLLAPSE IN HOUSE PRICES

by Our political Staff Quentin Lettsvote Tory, Stephen Tory-Glover and Peter O'Boresonabouthowawfultheotherpartiesare

A SHOCKING new report has revealed that voting Liberal Democrat in the forthcoming General Election will immediately lead to the onset of terminal cancer.
The link between supporting the third party in the ballot and death is now beyond doubt and medical experts are urging people not to vote Lib Dem "if they wish to stay alive".

Vote Clegg - Get Cancer

One of the leading specialists who compiled the report, Dr Dacre, told the Mail, "You will die if you choose Clegg. This is a fact. You cannot say you have not been warned."
But the news gets worse. Not only will all Lib Dem voters suffer a painful death but, by their irresponsible behaviour, they will cause a meltdown in the British housing market.
Said property expert, Mr Dacre of leading estate agents Dacre, Paul and Dacre, "With all these dead Lib Dem voters there will be a glut of empty properties on the market. This will cause a catastrophic fall in house prices."

Lib Doom

He continued, "We estimate that an average family house will drop in value by over 200% - meaning most home-owners will be in negative equity and will have their houses repossessed leading to mass suicides which will of course further depress the housing market."
The message is clear. Not only is Nick Clegg a Nazi and very possibly Hitler's secret love child (see yesterday's Mail) but he is the Angel of Death and
(cont. p.94.)

ON OTHER PAGES: "Coloured Daleks - coming over here and taking our jobs" - claims ordinary Dalek.

 

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MEDIA NEWS

SO WHO is the clear winner in the election campaign so far? Nick Robinson, obviously.
Senior correspondents in the BBC newsroom had it made very clear to them at the outset of the campaign that unless they happened to capture a unique moment like the Prescott Punch, there was very little point in them filing reports for either the six or ten o'clock bulletins, because all coverage would be packaged up and fronted by the corporation's owlish political editor.
The parties certainly know where the power lies. Correspondents on Nick Clegg's battle bus were astonished by the reception Robinson was given when he joined them for a day of travelling early in the campaign. "They sat him next to Clegg and arranged it so they appeared to step off various buses together," one tells the Eye. "At one point someone said: 'Nick's going to make a speech,' and I honestly thought it was Robinson who was going to address the crowd."
Miffed at such unequal treatment, one of the regular press crew phoned up a Clegg spin doctor claiming to be Robinson's cameraman left behind at one of the stops. "The poor Lib Dem nearly had a heart attack," chortles our man in the yellow corner.

 

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I feel that you may like this, I presume that it will be on iPlayer for the next week - when it's over...

 

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An immensely pleasurable hour. Much obliged.

 

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FERGUSON freeview digital TV recorder with 250GB hard dick drive, never used, £70.

Scotsman

 

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HUGE ASHCROFT CLOUD COVERS BRITAIN

by Our Political Staff Quentinletsvotetory

A HUGE cloud of cash was reported to be floating over the United Kingdom, particularly affecting marginal areas.
Said a worried observer, "This cash is making it very difficult to operate electoral machinery in a normal way. The money gets everywhere, clogging things up or, in some cases, clegging them up, which wasn't the idea at all, and (cont. p. 94)

On Other Pages

- Huge Ashdown cloud covers BBC

 

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Issue 1260 pge 26; 'High Speed Internet' "Wow! We've never wasted time as fast as this before" ............

 

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FRUITY GIRL CLIMBS TO TOP OF NEWS AGENDA
by Our Mountaineering Staff Ben Nevis

A FRUITY girl made history yesterday when she successfully reached the front pages of the highest circulation newspapers in Britain.
The girl, who is very fruity, was delighted by her epic achievement and told nobody, "I have very little experience when it comes to mountains of copy but I just climbed Everest and did my best to look as fruity as possible."
One hardened Fleet Street editor wept openely when the news came through.
"It makes you proud to be British. At last we have a 22-year-old mountaineer who has scaled the peaks of fruitiness and planted a story right at the top of the page."
Said fellow mountaineer Sir Ranolph Fiennes ( not pictured because he's old and not fruity), "Hats and toes off to Fruitella!"

And another one

 

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MEDIA NEWS

FURIOUS former MP Ann Widdecombe is boycotting BBC Radio 5 Live for a month.

"She's fed up being kept waiting and not getting on air when she's told she'll be on air." staff were told in an email headed "Don't call ANNE WIDDECOMBE!" (appropriately enough, since her name is actually Ann).

"If we call her and try to get her on, she'll extend her ban for another month - and another month for every time we call," staff were informed.

"We've called her 12 times already, just to be sure," a Five Liver assures the Eye

 

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Pseudo Names

...Tell us - how on earth did this "hung parliament" come about?

NOAH VERALL
MADGE O'RITTY.

...I am worried that there may not be a place for me in The Big Society.

BENNY FITZ-CROUNGER.