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private eyeage
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Withnail
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NEWS IN BRIEF
New coalition announced
The Labour party today revealed stunning plans to enter into a coalition with the Labour party.
"The hatred and resentment towards the Labour party within the Labour party has always meant talks of a coalition were never taken seriously," said a man leaning in a puddle of beer.
"But if the Conservatives and the Lib Dems can work together then why can't the Labour party?
"The plan would be that David Milliband, leader of the larger party, would become Prime Milliband and Ed Milliband, leader of the smaller party, would become Deputy Milliband. And Ed Balls will be laughed at."
Huge rise in jobless shock
A record number of jobs were lost yesterday when Lord Mandelson left the government.
A massive 17 posts were axed as the former Secretary of State, Secretary of State for Business, Enterprise and Regulatory Reform, Lord President of the Council, Lord High Executioner, Prince of Darkness (cont. p. 94)
Deportation Outrage
A judge yesterday refused to allow an Al Qaeda cell leader to be deported to Pakistan because of concerns that the secret service there might torture him badly.
"We want to keep him here, where we can be certain that MI5 will hand him over to the CIA and torture him properly," said Lord (cont. p. 94)
New coalition announced
The Labour party today revealed stunning plans to enter into a coalition with the Labour party.
"The hatred and resentment towards the Labour party within the Labour party has always meant talks of a coalition were never taken seriously," said a man leaning in a puddle of beer.
"But if the Conservatives and the Lib Dems can work together then why can't the Labour party?
"The plan would be that David Milliband, leader of the larger party, would become Prime Milliband and Ed Milliband, leader of the smaller party, would become Deputy Milliband. And Ed Balls will be laughed at."
Huge rise in jobless shock
A record number of jobs were lost yesterday when Lord Mandelson left the government.
A massive 17 posts were axed as the former Secretary of State, Secretary of State for Business, Enterprise and Regulatory Reform, Lord President of the Council, Lord High Executioner, Prince of Darkness (cont. p. 94)
Deportation Outrage
A judge yesterday refused to allow an Al Qaeda cell leader to be deported to Pakistan because of concerns that the secret service there might torture him badly.
"We want to keep him here, where we can be certain that MI5 will hand him over to the CIA and torture him properly," said Lord (cont. p. 94)
Withnail
Well-Known Forumite
DEEPCUT: THE SILENT WITNESS
Cheryl James
STARTLING evidence casting new light on the death of Cheryl James at Deepcut barracks has been obtained by Private Eye. Disturbing statements made by the camp doctor to police, kept secret for eight years, should now nudge Nick Clegg to fulfil the Liberal Democrats’ long-standing promise to hold a full public inquiry.
The revelations provide yet more proof that Sir Nicholas Blake’s muddle-headed “review” – the Labour government’s “final word” on the fatal shootings of four young recruits at the army training camp – falls far short of the thorough independent investigation that is supposed to take place when someone has died while in the care of the state.
The “new evidence” comes from details of police interviews with Dr Alexandra McClenahan, who was the camp’s doctor and medical officer at the time of the deaths of 20-year-old Sean Benton and Cheryl James, 18, in 1995. Dr McClenahan had been called to the scene when Cheryl’s body was discovered with a single gunshot wound to the head, near one of the camp’s gates on the morning of 27 November. She pronounced the recruit dead.
Under pressure to suggest suicide Dr McClenahan told Surrey police (who were called in to re-investigate the two deaths in 2002, after two more recruits, Geoff Gray, 17, and James Collinson, 18, were also found shot on the base) that four things struck her about Cheryl’s death: it was extremely unusual for women to commit suicide by shooting; for someone said to be so anxious or depressed to kill themselves, the shot seemed to be too accurately positioned; the positioning of the body, especially the arms, appeared strange for someone who had supposedly shot themselves; and the rifle appeared too neatly placed alongside the body. She added that the practice nurse who also attended the scene shared her doubts.
Dr McClenahan voiced these concerns to commanding officers and to the army police investigators. But she said she came under pressure to suggest that Cheryl must have committed suicide, and was told that she must not have noticed that Cheryl was depressed when she attended her regular service medical three days before her death. In fact the doctor said Cheryl’s only concerns then were that mild migraines she sometimes suffered might hinder her posting elsewhere. She was assured they would not and was passed fit for service anywhere.
Excluded from the post-mortem examination
The doctor said that, contrary to usual practice – even in the event of a death by natural causes at the base – she was excluded from attending the post-mortem examination and the army’s internal inquiry.
Whatever her unproven suspicions about Cheryl’s death, this evidence buried in Surrey police files which have been kept secret from the families (but were available to Blake) raises a number of crucial questions. First, it makes the failure to carry out even the most basic forensic examination and protection of the scene, the body or the weapon, inexcusable. Cheryl’s clothes were destroyed, there was no test of her hands or forehead for gunshot residue; and fingerprints were not taken from the weapon either. It has always been said that this was because there was an assumption that Cheryl had committed suicide, but this is now flatly contradicted by the doctor called to the scene.
Her account also calls into question the destruction of the rounds of ammunition recovered from the weapon found alongside Cheryl’s body, and it makes the disappearance of fragments of bullet recovered from Cheryl’s skull highly suspicious. No proper explanation for either has ever been advanced, but it means that there is no proof that the weapon found alongside Cheryl’s body fired the fatal shot, nor any indication of who pulled the trigger.
‘Murder more likely’
Ballistics experts called in by Surrey police relied mainly on photographs and reconstruction to conclude that while the evidence appeared consistent with a self-inflicted shot, it was not conclusive. But Frank Swann, a former police ballistics expert called in by Cheryl’s family, concluded that murder was a more likely scenario, arguing that the black deposits seen in pictures were consistent with her trying to force the weapon away from her face.
The latest development also raises more questions about the accounts given by Cheryl’s boyfriend, one of the last people to see her alive at the barracks gates on the morning of her death. It also casts doubt over how Sir Nicholas Blake decided Cheryl’s death was “on the balance of probability” a suicide, speculating that her love life was causing her concern and mentioning that she had once, aged 15, self-harmed – by taking five paracetamol tablets and reporting it to a teacher, following the suicide of a cousin. The doctor’s evidence of Cheryl’s behaviour only days before her death was that she was far from suicidal and was more consistent with accounts from friends and family that she was “her happy normal self”.
Clegg’s promise
As well as providing more details about Cheryl’s death, Dr McClenahan also told police about increasing tension at the camp as a result of financial restraint and staff redundancies. Recruits’ welfare suffered as result. We know from the Blake report that Deepcut was at times out of control, with vulnerable young trainees exposed to risks their parents could not have imagined. Dr McClenahan’s evidence adds weight to those findings.
Did Blake take account of her evidence when he reviewed the case? Did he even see it? Did Surrey police draw his attention to it? Certainly they kept Cheryl’s family in the dark about it. And if this is just a few pages of evidence, what else is buried in the thousands of pages of unseen material? We many never find out unless the new deputy prime minister fulfils his party’s promise of a proper inquiry.
Cheryl James
STARTLING evidence casting new light on the death of Cheryl James at Deepcut barracks has been obtained by Private Eye. Disturbing statements made by the camp doctor to police, kept secret for eight years, should now nudge Nick Clegg to fulfil the Liberal Democrats’ long-standing promise to hold a full public inquiry.
The revelations provide yet more proof that Sir Nicholas Blake’s muddle-headed “review” – the Labour government’s “final word” on the fatal shootings of four young recruits at the army training camp – falls far short of the thorough independent investigation that is supposed to take place when someone has died while in the care of the state.
The “new evidence” comes from details of police interviews with Dr Alexandra McClenahan, who was the camp’s doctor and medical officer at the time of the deaths of 20-year-old Sean Benton and Cheryl James, 18, in 1995. Dr McClenahan had been called to the scene when Cheryl’s body was discovered with a single gunshot wound to the head, near one of the camp’s gates on the morning of 27 November. She pronounced the recruit dead.
Under pressure to suggest suicide Dr McClenahan told Surrey police (who were called in to re-investigate the two deaths in 2002, after two more recruits, Geoff Gray, 17, and James Collinson, 18, were also found shot on the base) that four things struck her about Cheryl’s death: it was extremely unusual for women to commit suicide by shooting; for someone said to be so anxious or depressed to kill themselves, the shot seemed to be too accurately positioned; the positioning of the body, especially the arms, appeared strange for someone who had supposedly shot themselves; and the rifle appeared too neatly placed alongside the body. She added that the practice nurse who also attended the scene shared her doubts.
Dr McClenahan voiced these concerns to commanding officers and to the army police investigators. But she said she came under pressure to suggest that Cheryl must have committed suicide, and was told that she must not have noticed that Cheryl was depressed when she attended her regular service medical three days before her death. In fact the doctor said Cheryl’s only concerns then were that mild migraines she sometimes suffered might hinder her posting elsewhere. She was assured they would not and was passed fit for service anywhere.
Excluded from the post-mortem examination
The doctor said that, contrary to usual practice – even in the event of a death by natural causes at the base – she was excluded from attending the post-mortem examination and the army’s internal inquiry.
Whatever her unproven suspicions about Cheryl’s death, this evidence buried in Surrey police files which have been kept secret from the families (but were available to Blake) raises a number of crucial questions. First, it makes the failure to carry out even the most basic forensic examination and protection of the scene, the body or the weapon, inexcusable. Cheryl’s clothes were destroyed, there was no test of her hands or forehead for gunshot residue; and fingerprints were not taken from the weapon either. It has always been said that this was because there was an assumption that Cheryl had committed suicide, but this is now flatly contradicted by the doctor called to the scene.
Her account also calls into question the destruction of the rounds of ammunition recovered from the weapon found alongside Cheryl’s body, and it makes the disappearance of fragments of bullet recovered from Cheryl’s skull highly suspicious. No proper explanation for either has ever been advanced, but it means that there is no proof that the weapon found alongside Cheryl’s body fired the fatal shot, nor any indication of who pulled the trigger.
‘Murder more likely’
Ballistics experts called in by Surrey police relied mainly on photographs and reconstruction to conclude that while the evidence appeared consistent with a self-inflicted shot, it was not conclusive. But Frank Swann, a former police ballistics expert called in by Cheryl’s family, concluded that murder was a more likely scenario, arguing that the black deposits seen in pictures were consistent with her trying to force the weapon away from her face.
The latest development also raises more questions about the accounts given by Cheryl’s boyfriend, one of the last people to see her alive at the barracks gates on the morning of her death. It also casts doubt over how Sir Nicholas Blake decided Cheryl’s death was “on the balance of probability” a suicide, speculating that her love life was causing her concern and mentioning that she had once, aged 15, self-harmed – by taking five paracetamol tablets and reporting it to a teacher, following the suicide of a cousin. The doctor’s evidence of Cheryl’s behaviour only days before her death was that she was far from suicidal and was more consistent with accounts from friends and family that she was “her happy normal self”.
Clegg’s promise
As well as providing more details about Cheryl’s death, Dr McClenahan also told police about increasing tension at the camp as a result of financial restraint and staff redundancies. Recruits’ welfare suffered as result. We know from the Blake report that Deepcut was at times out of control, with vulnerable young trainees exposed to risks their parents could not have imagined. Dr McClenahan’s evidence adds weight to those findings.
Did Blake take account of her evidence when he reviewed the case? Did he even see it? Did Surrey police draw his attention to it? Certainly they kept Cheryl’s family in the dark about it. And if this is just a few pages of evidence, what else is buried in the thousands of pages of unseen material? We many never find out unless the new deputy prime minister fulfils his party’s promise of a proper inquiry.
Withnail
Well-Known Forumite
NUMBER CRUNCHING
£40,000 Parliamentary expenses wrongly claimed by David Laws, who failed to declare he had been living with a partner since 2001, for which he was described as "a good and honourable man" by prime minister.
£42,000 Housing and other benefits wrongly claimed by Stoke-on-Trent shopworker who failed to declare she had married in 2003, for which she has just been jailed for 18 months.
£40,000 Parliamentary expenses wrongly claimed by David Laws, who failed to declare he had been living with a partner since 2001, for which he was described as "a good and honourable man" by prime minister.
£42,000 Housing and other benefits wrongly claimed by Stoke-on-Trent shopworker who failed to declare she had married in 2003, for which she has just been jailed for 18 months.
Withnail
Well-Known Forumite
Introducing the amazing new
iPAD-OUT-THE-PAPER
It's here at last - the incredible device that features on every page of the Guardian and the Times.
Says creator Steve Jobs, "This will revolutionise journalism. Instead of papers being full of stories about events in the news, they will have nothing but drivelling features about how marvellous the ipad is and how brilliant the apps are. Even Private Eye is filling space with this piece about filling space and (I'm fired, Ed)
iPAD-OUT-THE-PAPER
It's here at last - the incredible device that features on every page of the Guardian and the Times.
Says creator Steve Jobs, "This will revolutionise journalism. Instead of papers being full of stories about events in the news, they will have nothing but drivelling features about how marvellous the ipad is and how brilliant the apps are. Even Private Eye is filling space with this piece about filling space and (I'm fired, Ed)
Withnail
Well-Known Forumite
STREET of SHAME
A FORTNIGHT ago, the Stoke Sentinel splashed its local version of the latest widely circulating "political correctness gone mad" fiction across its front page: a two-year-old boy had been ordered off a bus by a driver "who had an Eastern European accent" because he said the child's England shirt was "really offensive".
The Daily Star followed up the story, adding the definitive fact that it was "an Eastern European immigrant driver... thought to be Polish". The Daily Mirror and Daily Mail also jumped on the bandwagon.
So what happened when, the next day, First Bus issued the following statement: "We have carried out a full investigation and can't find any evidence to substantiate this claim. No driver fitting the description given was working on any routes in the area at that time. Our buses were busy around the time yet no one else has been in touch with us about this alleged incident...It now appears that no such incident took place."
The Stoke Sentinel printed two follow-up stories pointing out that the claim was "unsubstantiated" and pulled the original tale from its website. The Star, Mirror and Mail, by contrast, breathed not a word about it. Uncorrected versions are still available on all their websites - as well as those of far-right nasties Stormfront and the National Front.
A FORTNIGHT ago, the Stoke Sentinel splashed its local version of the latest widely circulating "political correctness gone mad" fiction across its front page: a two-year-old boy had been ordered off a bus by a driver "who had an Eastern European accent" because he said the child's England shirt was "really offensive".
The Daily Star followed up the story, adding the definitive fact that it was "an Eastern European immigrant driver... thought to be Polish". The Daily Mirror and Daily Mail also jumped on the bandwagon.
So what happened when, the next day, First Bus issued the following statement: "We have carried out a full investigation and can't find any evidence to substantiate this claim. No driver fitting the description given was working on any routes in the area at that time. Our buses were busy around the time yet no one else has been in touch with us about this alleged incident...It now appears that no such incident took place."
The Stoke Sentinel printed two follow-up stories pointing out that the claim was "unsubstantiated" and pulled the original tale from its website. The Star, Mirror and Mail, by contrast, breathed not a word about it. Uncorrected versions are still available on all their websites - as well as those of far-right nasties Stormfront and the National Front.
Withnail
Well-Known Forumite
TOP POLICEMAN GIVEN PEERAGE - DID THEY GET THE WRONG MAN?
by Our Crime Staff Eddie Aim-Fire
IN WHAT could be a tragic case of mistaken identity, the former Metropolitan Police Commander, Sir Ian Blair, has been targeted to become a Member of the House of Lords.
Said one expert, "They were looking for a distinguished senior policeman to serve in the Upper House but due to a terrible muddle they have chosen the man who oversaw the Menezes shooting."
As calls grew for an inquiry into the Lord Blair affair, insiders are blaming a lack of communication between the Palace and Scotland Yard.
Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels
Said one, "Sir Ian looked a bit like the man we were looking for but if the authorities had kept in touch, perhaps by watching the news, they would have known that Sir Ian Blair was an entirely innocent man."
"He was just in the right place at the right time and sadly he ended up dead lucky."
by Our Crime Staff Eddie Aim-Fire
IN WHAT could be a tragic case of mistaken identity, the former Metropolitan Police Commander, Sir Ian Blair, has been targeted to become a Member of the House of Lords.
Said one expert, "They were looking for a distinguished senior policeman to serve in the Upper House but due to a terrible muddle they have chosen the man who oversaw the Menezes shooting."
As calls grew for an inquiry into the Lord Blair affair, insiders are blaming a lack of communication between the Palace and Scotland Yard.
Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels
Said one, "Sir Ian looked a bit like the man we were looking for but if the authorities had kept in touch, perhaps by watching the news, they would have known that Sir Ian Blair was an entirely innocent man."
"He was just in the right place at the right time and sadly he ended up dead lucky."
Withnail
Well-Known Forumite
RUPERT MURDOCH TO BID FOR 100% OF GOVERNMENT
by Our Media Reporter Adam Bolt-on
RUPERT Murdoch's News Corporation today made an audacious bid for 100% ownership of the British Government.
"Murdoch already has a majority two-thirds stake in the Government through his ownership of the Conservative Party and he's keen to own the rest," confirmed a News Corporation spokesman.
"Mr Murdoch sees the Government as the perfect outlet for him doing what he bloody well likes."
The Monopolies and Mergers Commission had previously objected to his takeover of the Liberal Democrats, on the grounds that they weren't worth it. But now it is thought that they will certainly (cont. p. 94)
by Our Media Reporter Adam Bolt-on
RUPERT Murdoch's News Corporation today made an audacious bid for 100% ownership of the British Government.
"Murdoch already has a majority two-thirds stake in the Government through his ownership of the Conservative Party and he's keen to own the rest," confirmed a News Corporation spokesman.
"Mr Murdoch sees the Government as the perfect outlet for him doing what he bloody well likes."
The Monopolies and Mergers Commission had previously objected to his takeover of the Liberal Democrats, on the grounds that they weren't worth it. But now it is thought that they will certainly (cont. p. 94)
Withnail
Well-Known Forumite
NUMBER CRUNCHING
11 People killed in accident on oil rig leased by British company BP, resulting in four presidential visits, a $1.6bn clean-up and the establishment of $20bn compensation fund in two months
15,000+ People killed in accident at Bhopal plant owned by American company Union Carbide, resulting in 0 presidential visits, no clean-up and $470m compensation in 25 years
11 People killed in accident on oil rig leased by British company BP, resulting in four presidential visits, a $1.6bn clean-up and the establishment of $20bn compensation fund in two months
15,000+ People killed in accident at Bhopal plant owned by American company Union Carbide, resulting in 0 presidential visits, no clean-up and $470m compensation in 25 years
Withnail
Well-Known Forumite
BP'S NEW PLAN TO STAUNCH FLOW
by Our Engineering Staff Phil Gulf
BP have come up with an ingenious new solution to their problems in the Gulf of Mexico, which involves lowering an enormous bucket over President Obama's head.
The bucket, weighing over half a ton and made out of reinforced, sound-proof concrete, is designed to stop the outpouring of criticism of BP from the American President.
Nicknamed "Operation Shutthefuckup", BP engineers hope that at long last they can stop the President gushing.
"We've got a lot riding on this," said BP Chief Executive Tony Haywire, "and with any luck, we will contain all the Obama inside the bucket. Then we will be free once again to carry on our business of fouling the world."
(Surely "fuelling"? Ed.)
On other pages
Should Haywire be shot by firing squad or executed by more humane lethal injections? ask US protestors, p94.
by Our Engineering Staff Phil Gulf
BP have come up with an ingenious new solution to their problems in the Gulf of Mexico, which involves lowering an enormous bucket over President Obama's head.
The bucket, weighing over half a ton and made out of reinforced, sound-proof concrete, is designed to stop the outpouring of criticism of BP from the American President.
Nicknamed "Operation Shutthefuckup", BP engineers hope that at long last they can stop the President gushing.
"We've got a lot riding on this," said BP Chief Executive Tony Haywire, "and with any luck, we will contain all the Obama inside the bucket. Then we will be free once again to carry on our business of fouling the world."
(Surely "fuelling"? Ed.)
On other pages
Should Haywire be shot by firing squad or executed by more humane lethal injections? ask US protestors, p94.
zakkwylde87
Well-Known Forumite
Withnail said:
Withnail
Well-Known Forumite
JOINED-UP GOVERNMENT
May 2010: Coalition announces Labour government's plans for new generation of nuclear power stations will go ahead.
June 2010: Coalition cancels Labour government's £80m loan to Sheffield company Forgemasters for new press enabling it to make parts for new nuclear power stations, meaning the parts will have to be bought from Japan instead.
May 2010: Coalition announces Labour government's plans for new generation of nuclear power stations will go ahead.
June 2010: Coalition cancels Labour government's £80m loan to Sheffield company Forgemasters for new press enabling it to make parts for new nuclear power stations, meaning the parts will have to be bought from Japan instead.
Withnail
Well-Known Forumite
ECONOMY ROUND-UP
BUDGET CUT SHOCK
THE Coalition Government said the first phase of the consultation into cuts has revealed that people want the services used by other people cut.
"We found that 100% of people wanted the services they used regularly to be retained,"said a Treasury spokesman, "but the flipside of that was that 100% of people were very keen to see the services they didn't use slashed to the bone.
"It's clear that as long as we only cut services used by other people, the public will be fully behind our austerity programme."
CLEGG SHOCK
THE deputy Prime Minister, Nick Clegg, has confirmed in a major speech that many more fathers will be given the chance to spend a lot more time with their children.
"Hundreds of thousands of newly unemployed people will be seeing quite a lot more of their children than they'd expected," promised Nick.
OSBOURNE SHOCK
THE Chancellor, George Osbourne, today announced that the economy needed to be "rebalanced". The figures he had in mind were, he said, "50% employed and 50% unemployed", which would (That's enough. Ed.)
BUDGET CUT SHOCK
THE Coalition Government said the first phase of the consultation into cuts has revealed that people want the services used by other people cut.
"We found that 100% of people wanted the services they used regularly to be retained,"said a Treasury spokesman, "but the flipside of that was that 100% of people were very keen to see the services they didn't use slashed to the bone.
"It's clear that as long as we only cut services used by other people, the public will be fully behind our austerity programme."
CLEGG SHOCK
THE deputy Prime Minister, Nick Clegg, has confirmed in a major speech that many more fathers will be given the chance to spend a lot more time with their children.
"Hundreds of thousands of newly unemployed people will be seeing quite a lot more of their children than they'd expected," promised Nick.
OSBOURNE SHOCK
THE Chancellor, George Osbourne, today announced that the economy needed to be "rebalanced". The figures he had in mind were, he said, "50% employed and 50% unemployed", which would (That's enough. Ed.)