private eyeage

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Withnail

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Soccer Cliches Updated
With Ashley and John

"At the end of the day - mine's a bottle of Cristal"

"It's eleven versus eleven - and three hookers"

"There are no easy games in the Premiership - but there are some easy women"

"It's a game of two halves: her top half and her bottom half"

"The lads literally ran their pants off"

"Football's coming home - to find me in bed with its girlfriend..."
 
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NEWS IN BRIEF

Public 'Won't Receive A Bonus'

The Chief Executive of the RBS, Stephen Hester, has confirmed that the public will be involuntarily waiving its share of the £1.3 billion in bonuses being paid out this year by the bank.
"The involuntary restraint shown by the public by receiving nothing from the bonus pool is admirable in these hard times," said the delighted Chief Executive.
Looking forward, Mr Hester said he was confident that the public would also receive no bonus next year, nor the year after that nor, with any luck, the year after that.
 
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Notes & queries

What are all those Greeks protesting about?
(Mrs Sandra Snellgrove)

No one actually knows. Some say that they are angry with the new government of Mr Katastroficlos who has shocked the Greek public by his honesty in admitting the country is in a mess - rather than take the traditional approach of fiddling the figures and then lying about it. Others say that the Greeks are burning down public buildings in order to stop the Germans offending their national sensibility by giving them a huge amount of money. Either way, it's all Greek to me!
Prof. I. O. U. Goldman-Sachs
 
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SHOCK LATE NEWS

*British Airways staff vote to strike
-----------------------------------------------
*Turkeys vote for Christmas
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*Public votes for Gordon

(shome mishtake surely? Ed)
 
Gramaisc

Gramaisc

Forum O. G.
Dumb Britain:-

Richard Madeley: What kind of animal do equestrians ride?

Contestant: Fish. Midday Money
 
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Well-Known Forumite
I heard a good one on Weakest link today that i would be willing to bet a fair amount will be in the next one;

I must paraphrase a bit

AR (for it was she): Which British freshwater fish has the letters 'c and k' repeated twice in it's name?

Contestant: Mollusc.
 
Gramaisc

Gramaisc

Forum O. G.
Withnail said:
I heard a good one on Weakest link today that i would be willing to bet a fair amount will be in the next one;

I must paraphrase a bit

AR (for it was she): Which British freshwater fish has the letters 'c and k' repeated twice in it's name?

Contestant: Mollusc.
Click to expand...
I have to say it took me five seconds to get it.

My favourite is:-

AR: What nationality was Alexander the Great?

Contestant: Belgian. Weakest Link.

It's hard to come up with a less possible answer that doesn't involve the Americas..
 
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NEWS IN BRIEF

Jack Straw 'Defends Anonymity Order'

The Justice Secretary Jack Straw last night defended a decision to grant himself full anonymity in the wake of the furore surrounding the re-arrest of Jon Venables.
"From hence forth I can only be referred to in the papers as Politician A, as I have been granted a new identity far away from Westminster where I can start my life afresh."
"Everyone deserves a second chance, even people as hated and reviled in the tabloids as me."

Security Services Row Grows

The former Head of MI5, Baroness Manningham-Buller has responded to claims her service colluded in torture by insisting that the CIA kept her in the dark.
"That's where they subjected me to prolonged bouts of sleep deprivation and waterboarding," insisted the scared-looking (cont. p. 94)

'Never Again' Says Everyone

In the wake of yet another horrifying child abuse case, Social Service Chiefs from around Britain have insisted that measures are now in place to ensure there will never be another case of this kind until the next one.
"We have done everything we can to ensure that, before the next horrific case occurs, there will be no horrific case in the meantime," said the (cont. p. 94)
 
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Gramaisc

Forum O. G.
Do you remember receiving the government's Terrorism pamphlet a few years ago? The Security Service's page was produced in the name of Dame Eliza Manningham-Buller. Strangely, I felt no safer after I'd read it..
 
Gramaisc

Gramaisc

Forum O. G.
Sign in Humberside Probation Office :-

Polite Notice

Please refrain from spraying aerosols
in this toilet, as it can trigger the fire
alarm and cause a false evacuation.
 
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Well-Known Forumite
Number Crunching

50% Percentage of adults under 30 the government aims to get into higher education

50% Percentage of graduates surveyed this year who have "little confidence" of finding a job for which they are qualified.
 
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Well-Known Forumite
But then you have to think for what are some of them qualified;

Degrees of stupidity

"It is more central to understanding the everyday than maths, English or science and it is certainly not something to be taken lightly."
- Dr Susan Holmes, from the University of East Anglia, on the launch of a new peer-reviewed academic journal, Celebrity Studies.
 
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Well-Known Forumite
Dumb Britain:

Smooth FM North East
DJ: Name the 1970's group whose members were Graham Gouldman, Eric Stewart, Kevin Godley and Lol Creme.
Caller: Crosby, Stills and Nash.
 
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Withnail

Well-Known Forumite
Tonight's TV Recipe

Hot Dahl

1. Find fruity girl a la Nigella.

2. Place her in front of oven so that her embonpoint is thrust towards camera.

3. Allow elderly audience to sizzle for 10 minutes.

4. Switch off and allow to cool down.

(Serves millions)
 
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