Give us a joke... go on it might be funny :)


Mad Cat Woman
A fifteen-year-old boy and his father who had lived an isolated existence in the depths of Somerset left their home and visited a large department store for the first time.
They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, "What is this Father?"
The father (never having seen a lift) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don"t know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room.
The walls closed, and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.
They continued to watch until it reached the last number, and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.
Finally, the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blonde stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son...
"Go get your Mother."


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With all that's going on in the world today .... I can't help but find this idea a good one .... :buddy:



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You think that is a joke? When Emergency Control was moved from MAFF/DEFRA to Regional (East of England) the people on the site where EC had been had to clear out EC's store. Full of wine racks and wine glasses - no sign of the bottles though.


Mad Cat Woman
Sixth grade science teacher Mrs. Samson asks her class: "Who can tell me which organ of the human body expands to 10 times its usual size when stimulated?"
Nobody raises a hand, so she calls on the first student to look her way. "Mary, can you tell me which organ of the human body expands to 10 times its usual size when stimulated?"
Mary stands up, blushing furiously. "How dare you ask such a question?" she says. "I'm going to complain to my parents, who will complain to the principal, who will have you fired!"
Mrs. Sampson is shocked by Mary's reaction, but undaunted. She asks the class the question again, and this time Sam raises his hand. "Yes, Sam?" says Mrs. Sampson.
"Ma'am, the correct answer is the iris of the human eye." "Very good, Sam. Thank you."
Mrs. Sampson then turns to Mary and says,
"Mary, I have 3 things to tell you: first, it's clear that you have not done your homework. Second, you have a dirty mind. And third, I fear one day you are going to be sadly disappointed."


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I've always liked completely daft jokes: .....

I met an athlete, walking through the Olympic Village, carrying a long pole:
"Ahhh! You're a Pole Vaulter." I said to him.

"No, I am German," he replied brusquely. "And how do you know my name?"


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The great god leapt on his horse
Rode bareback through the sky
As he rode he shouted out his name
I'm Thor, I'm Thor, I'm Thor

Thould have used a thaddle, thilly


Mad Cat Woman
Paddy's Jumper
Paddy and Seamus,in a boarding house in London. Writing letters home. Paddy stops writing and says....
"Hey, Seamus, how do you spell "dattle"?
"Jaysus, sure I've never even heard that word before, how would ya use it in a sentence?"
"I said...dear Ma, please send a wooly jumper dattle fit me"
Seamus just about pisses himself laughing and when he finally calms down he says...
"it's eejits like you that get the Irish a bad name....there's no such word as dattle, ya feckin gobshite...the word ye want is ...wattle."


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Julius Caesar and Pompey the Great were rivals for the position of First Consul of Rome. They spoke before the Senate, putting forward their cases for election to the post, by recounting their deeds in the service of Rome.

“When the Gauls attacked Rome, I defended the city,” Pompey stated. “I drove them out killing 100,000 Gauls.”

“I invaded Gaul,”
Caesar stated. “I too slew 100,000 Gauls.”

So the Senate gave the position to Caesar because in Europe away Gauls count double.


Ok Ok, I'll get my coat. :P:facepalm:


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At one point during a game, the coach
called one of his 9-year-old baseball players aside
and asked, “Do you understand what co-operation is? What a team is?”

“Yes, coach,”
replied the little boy.

“Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together, as a team?”

The little boy nodded in the affirmative.

“So,” the coach continued. “I’m sure you know,
when an out is called, you shouldn't argue, or curse,
or attack the umpire, or call him an asshole or a shithead.
Do you understand all that?”

Again, the little boy nodded in the affirmative.

The coach continued, “And when I take you out of the game
so that another boy gets a chance to play,
we don’t call that 'a dumbass decision' or
or that it means that the coach is 'all the brains of a douchebag,' right??”

“Yes, coach."

said the coach.

“Now go over there and explain all that to your grandmother.”


Mad Cat Woman
A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up. One is a retired Cowboy in his late sixties and the other is a gorgeous young woman in her mid-twenties.
The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you two had better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment -- chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"
The woman says, "I'll go first."
She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About halfway there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body.
The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss her entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet.
The circus owner's jaw is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to the retired Cowboy and asks, "Can you top that?"
The tough old Cowboy replies, "You bet. Just get that lion out of there."


Mad Cat Woman
A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in California when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.
The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will you give me a calf?"
Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany .
Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response..
Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his
hi-tech,miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."
"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
Then Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"
"You're a Congressman for the U..S. Government", says Bud.
"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about
cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep. ....
Now give me back my dog.