Give us a joke... go on it might be funny :)


Well-Known Forumite
Graham Martin is in hospital.
So who the hell is Graham Martin you might ask ?
Well, Graham is the fellah who got home late one night and Helen, his wife, says: "Where the hell have you been ?"
Graham replies: "I was getting a tattoo."
"A tattoo ?
" she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get ?"
"I got a hundred dollar bill tattooed onto my privates,"
he replied proudly.
"What the hell were you thinking ?" she asked, shaking her head in disgust. "Why on Earth would a chartered accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed onto his privates ?"
Graham replied:
"Well ...
One: I like to watch my money grow.
Two: Once in a while I like to play with my money.
Three: I like how money feels in my hand.
... and lastly .. instead of going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred dollars anytime you want !!"

Graham is now in the Critical Care Unit, room 223.
No visitors are allowed until further notice as they've had to put two armed guards on the life support machine.
"I like to watch my money grow" as does Tim Martin.


Mad Cat Woman


Mad Cat Woman
Dear God:- Lynn Hodges and Sue Buchanan

Dear God:
Is it on purpose that our names are
Spelled the same, only in reverse?
Dear God:
Why do humans smell the flowers, but seldom,
If ever, smell one another?
Dear God:
When we get to Heaven, can we sit on your couch?
Or will it be the same old story?
Dear God:
Why are there cars named after the jaguar,
The cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray,
And the rabbit, but not ONE named for a Dog?
How often do you see a cougar riding around?
We love a nice car ride! Would it be so hard to
Rename the “Chrysler Eagle” the “Chrysler Beagle”?
Dear God:
If a Dog barks his head off in the forest and
No human hears him, is he still a bad Dog?
Dear God:
We Dogs can understand human verbal instructions,
Hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers,
Scent IDs, electromagnetic energy fields, and
Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand?
Dear God:
More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.
Dear God:
Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are,
Will I have to apologize?
Dear God:
Here is a list of just some of the things I must remember to be a good Dog:
1. I will not eat the cat's food before he eats it or after he throws it up.
2. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc., just because I like the way they smell.
3. The Litter Box is not a cookie jar.
4. The sofa is not a “face towel”.
5. The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.
6. I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.
7. Sticking my nose into someone's crotch is an unacceptable way of saying “Hello”.
8. I don't need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm under the coffee table.
9. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house - not after.
10. I will not come in from outside, and immediately drag my butt across the carpet.
11. I will not sit in the middle of the living room, and lick my crotch.
12. The cat is not a “squeaky toy”.
P.S. Dear God: When I get to Heaven, may I have my testicles back?


don't mention the blinds
Young boy dressed in cowboy outfit firing off toy cap pistols, slaps a fiver on lady ice-cream seller's counter:-

Boy; 'large cone please'
Lady; 'for that money would you like a chocolate flake'?
Boy; 'oh yes please '
Lady; 'would you like syrup '?
Boy; 'oh yes please'
Lady; 'would you like sprinkles'?
Boy; 'oh yes please'
Lady; 'would you like crushed nuts'?
Boy; pointing pistols at lady, ' I'll blow yer fuc*ing tits off' !!......


Mad Cat Woman
I took my Nan to a fish spa center where the little fish eat your dead skin for only £45.

It was way cheaper than a funeral


Mad Cat Woman
Yesterday I had a flat tire on the M6. So I eased my car over to the hard shoulder, carefully got out of the car and opened the boot. I took out 2 cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of my car facing oncoming traffic. They looked so lifelike you wouldn’t believe! They are in trench coats exposing their nude bodies and private parts to the approaching drivers.

But to my surprise, cars started slowing down looking at my lifelike men. And of course, traffic started backing up. Everybody was tooting their horns and waving like crazy.

It wasn’t long before a Police car pulled up behind me. He got out of his car and started walking towards me. I could tell he was not a happy soul!

“What’s going on here?’

‘My car has a flat tyre,’ I said calmly.

‘Well, what the heck are those obscene cardboard men doing here by the road?’

I couldn’t believe that he didn’t know. So I told him,

‘Hell000000, those are my emergency flashers!’


Mad Cat Woman
I make zero apologies if this offends anyone.

“Dad, a girl invited me over to her house “:
"Oh that is great, Billy. But you should be careful, you are young and an STD or unwanted pregnancy is going to be devastating. Please, remember to wear a condom if the situation arises... Actually, no. I don't trust you, son. Put it on right now, because at the heat of the moment you will forget."
And so Billy did. And he head over to the girl's place. After a chat and some drinks, things got saucy.
" Wait" she said, "In order to continue, you have to pass a test." She then removed her shirt, proclaiming "My breasts! Pure and untouched. Only the sun on beach days had ever had a feel of them"She then removed her skirt. "My thighs. Pure and touched by no one. Only the wind on breezy days has ever felt their softness."Finally, she removed her panties. "And last, my vagina, pure and untouched. No one has ever felt its warmth, nor the wind nor the sun.
So tell me, Billy, should I let you feel my body? Are you capable to match my purity?"
"Sure", he claims as he pulls downs his pants, "I am so pure and untouched, my willy is still in the the wrapper"


Mad Cat Woman
A young man walks onto the stage of Stars in their Eyes, on crutches, with a plaster cast from his feet to his hips.
Matthew Kelly Introduces him as Simon.
"It's very brave of you to come out here," says Matthew. "Please tell the audience what happened."
"Well," replies Simon, "about a year ago, I was driving with my uncle when we had a really bad accident. Unfortunately my uncle was killed outright but I survived. I was trapped in the car for six hours before I was eventually cut free. The doctors had me in surgery for 12 hours but they couldn't save my legs."
"That's terrible. But I see you have legs now. Are they artificial?" asks Matthew.
"No Matthew, while I was in hospital the doctors informed me that my uncle had in fact died. But they also said that his legs were fine and, with all the advances in medical science, they could graft the bottom half of his body onto mine. As you can see the operation was successful.
"I have been having physiotherapy for six months and hope to be walking fully again by the end of the year."
A huge round of applause erupts from the audience.
Kelly responds with:
"That's an unbelievable story. So tonight, who are you going to be?"
"Tonight, Matthew, I am going to be Simon and Half-uncle."..


Mad Cat Woman
A truck loaded with thousands of copies of Roget's Thesaurus crashed yesterday losing its entire load.
Witnesses were stunned, startled, aghast, taken aback, stupefied, confused, shocked, rattled, paralyzed, dazed, bewildered, mixed up, surprised, awed, dumbfounded, nonplussed, flabbergasted, astounded, amazed, confounded, astonished, overwhelmed, horrified, numbed, speechless, and perplexed.


Well-Known Forumite
A local farmer, whom I will call Denzil, owns the field across the road from me. He recently spent £16,500 on this registered Black Angus bull. He put it out with the herd but it just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow. He said he was beginning to think he had paid more for that bull than it was worth.

Anyway...... he had the Vet come and take a look at him.

The vet said that the bull was very healthy, but possibly just a little young, so he gave John some pills to feed him once per day.

They certainly did the trick and the bull started to service the cows within two days……. all the cows!
He even broke through the fence and bred with all of the neighbour's cows! He was like a machine!

I don't know what was in the pills the Vet gave him ...... but but Denzil tells me they kind of taste like peppermint.:eek: