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Glam
Mad Cat Woman
An Englishman, Scotsman, Welshman, and Irishman are captured by the Afghan Taliban and sentenced to death by firing squad.
Before being shot they are asked if they have any last requests:
The Welshman says “Before I die, I would like to hear 1000 Welsh voices singing ‘Land of my Fathers’”.
The Irishman says “Before I die, I would like to see 1000 Irish dancers performing ‘Riverdance’”.
The Scotsmen says “Before I die, I would like to hear 1000 bagpipes playing ‘Scotland the Brave’”.
“And you, English pig! What is your last request?”
“For f**ks sake, please shoot me first!”
Before being shot they are asked if they have any last requests:
The Welshman says “Before I die, I would like to hear 1000 Welsh voices singing ‘Land of my Fathers’”.
The Irishman says “Before I die, I would like to see 1000 Irish dancers performing ‘Riverdance’”.
The Scotsmen says “Before I die, I would like to hear 1000 bagpipes playing ‘Scotland the Brave’”.
“And you, English pig! What is your last request?”
“For f**ks sake, please shoot me first!”
Glam
Mad Cat Woman
A group of Hell's Angels were cruising along in their leathers, with long hair flowing, on their Harleys.
One of them noticed a young woman stood on the parapet bridge over the road.
They pulled in and went to see what she was up to.
She told them that she was going to commit suicide.
One of them gruffly suggested a last kiss and cuddle before she made the leap.
She consented and they had a good old snog.
When they'd finished he said to her, " Such a nice chick and such a wonderful kisser. Why are you thinking of ending it all ?"
"Because my Mum doesn't like me dressing up as a girl." was the reply.
One of them noticed a young woman stood on the parapet bridge over the road.
They pulled in and went to see what she was up to.
She told them that she was going to commit suicide.
One of them gruffly suggested a last kiss and cuddle before she made the leap.
She consented and they had a good old snog.
When they'd finished he said to her, " Such a nice chick and such a wonderful kisser. Why are you thinking of ending it all ?"
"Because my Mum doesn't like me dressing up as a girl." was the reply.
Glam
Mad Cat Woman
100% I've posted this on here before - don't care.
Cinderella is now 95 years old.
After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a Labrador named Bob for companionship.
One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the fairy godmother.
Cinderella said, 'Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years'?
The fairy godmother replied, 'Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?' Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, she uttered her first wish:
'The prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor. I'm living hand to mouth on my disability cheques, and I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension.
Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold. Cinderella said, 'Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother' The fairy godmother replied, 'It is the least that I can do.
What do you want for your second wish?' Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said, 'I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth I once had.'
At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young visage returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant for years. And then the fairy godmother spoke once more:'You have one more wish; what shall it be?'
Cinderella looks over to the frightened Labrador in the corner and says, 'I wish for you to transform Bob, my old Labrador, into a kind and handsome young man. 'Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man so beautiful the likes of him neither she nor the world had ever seen.
The fairy godmother said, 'Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life. 'With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, the fairy godmother was gone as suddenly as she appeared. For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes. Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful, stunningly perfect man she had ever seen.
Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, & held her close in his young muscular arms. He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered...
'Bet you're sorry you cut my nuts off now.
Cinderella is now 95 years old.
After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a Labrador named Bob for companionship.
One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the fairy godmother.
Cinderella said, 'Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years'?
The fairy godmother replied, 'Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?' Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, she uttered her first wish:
'The prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor. I'm living hand to mouth on my disability cheques, and I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension.
Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold. Cinderella said, 'Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother' The fairy godmother replied, 'It is the least that I can do.
What do you want for your second wish?' Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said, 'I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth I once had.'
At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young visage returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant for years. And then the fairy godmother spoke once more:'You have one more wish; what shall it be?'
Cinderella looks over to the frightened Labrador in the corner and says, 'I wish for you to transform Bob, my old Labrador, into a kind and handsome young man. 'Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man so beautiful the likes of him neither she nor the world had ever seen.
The fairy godmother said, 'Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life. 'With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, the fairy godmother was gone as suddenly as she appeared. For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes. Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful, stunningly perfect man she had ever seen.
Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, & held her close in his young muscular arms. He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered...
'Bet you're sorry you cut my nuts off now.
Glam
Mad Cat Woman
A Stoke City fan liked to amuse himself by scaring every baggies supporter he saw strutting down the street in an obnoxious West Brom shirt.
He would swerve his van as if to hit them, then swerve back just missing them. One day while driving along, he saw a priest.
He thought he would do a good deed, so he pulled over and asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?" "I'm going to give Mass at St. Francis church, about two miles down the road," replied the priest. "Climb in, Father. I'll give you a lift!"
The priest climbed into the passenger seat, and they continued down the road.
Suddenly, the driver saw a West Brom supporter walking down the road, and he instinctively swerved as if to hit him.But, as usual, he swerved back onto the road just in time.
Even though he was certain that he had missed the guy, he still heard a loud THUD. not knowing where the noise came from, he glanced in his mirrors but still didn't see anything.
He then remembered the priest, and he turned to the priest and said, "sorry Father, I almost hit that West Brom supporter."
"That's OK," replied the priest "I got him with the door."
He would swerve his van as if to hit them, then swerve back just missing them. One day while driving along, he saw a priest.
He thought he would do a good deed, so he pulled over and asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?" "I'm going to give Mass at St. Francis church, about two miles down the road," replied the priest. "Climb in, Father. I'll give you a lift!"
The priest climbed into the passenger seat, and they continued down the road.
Suddenly, the driver saw a West Brom supporter walking down the road, and he instinctively swerved as if to hit him.But, as usual, he swerved back onto the road just in time.
Even though he was certain that he had missed the guy, he still heard a loud THUD. not knowing where the noise came from, he glanced in his mirrors but still didn't see anything.
He then remembered the priest, and he turned to the priest and said, "sorry Father, I almost hit that West Brom supporter."
"That's OK," replied the priest "I got him with the door."
Glam
Mad Cat Woman
Two little old ladies, Nancy and Tara, were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall in Limerick, where a flower show was in progress.
The short one, Nancy leaned over and said, "Life is so boring. We never have any fun anymore.
For $10 I'd take my clothes off and streak through that stupid, boring flower show"!
"You're on!", said Tara, holding up a $10 bill.
So, Nancy slowly fumbled her way out of her clothes. She grabbed a dried flower from a nearby display and held it between her teeth.
Then, completely na*ked, she streaked (as fast as an old lady can) through the front door of the flower show.
Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by loud applause and shrill whistling.
Finally, the smiling Nancy came through the exit door surrounded by a cheering, clapping crowd.
"What happened", asked Tara?
"I won $100 as 1st prize for 'Best Dried Arrangement'!"
The short one, Nancy leaned over and said, "Life is so boring. We never have any fun anymore.
For $10 I'd take my clothes off and streak through that stupid, boring flower show"!
"You're on!", said Tara, holding up a $10 bill.
So, Nancy slowly fumbled her way out of her clothes. She grabbed a dried flower from a nearby display and held it between her teeth.
Then, completely na*ked, she streaked (as fast as an old lady can) through the front door of the flower show.
Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by loud applause and shrill whistling.
Finally, the smiling Nancy came through the exit door surrounded by a cheering, clapping crowd.
"What happened", asked Tara?
"I won $100 as 1st prize for 'Best Dried Arrangement'!"
Glam
Mad Cat Woman
A hillbilly went hunting one day in West Virginia and bagged three ducks. He put them in the bed of his pickup truck and was about to drive home where he was confronted by an ornery game warden who didn't like hillbillies.
The game warden ordered to the hillbilly to show his hunting license, and the hillbilly pulled out a valid West Virginia hunting license.
The game warden looked at the license, then reached over and picked up one of the ducks, sniffed it's butt, and said, "This duck ain't from West Virginia. This is a Kentucky duck. You got a Kentucky hunting license, boy?" The hillbilly reached into his wallet and produced a Kentucky hunting license.
The game warden looked at it, then reached over and grabbed the second duck, sniffed it's butt, and said, "This ain't no Kentucky duck. This duck's from Tennessee. You got an Tennessee licence?" The hillbilly reached into his wallet and produced an Tennessee license. The warden then reached over and picked up the third duck. "This duck's from Virginia. You got a Virginia hunting license?"
Again the hillbilly reached into his wallet and brought out a Virginia hunting license. The game warden was extremely frustrated at this point, and he yelled at the hillbilly, "Just where the hell are you from?"
The hillbilly turned around, bent over, dropped his pants, and said, "You tell me, you're the expert!"
The game warden ordered to the hillbilly to show his hunting license, and the hillbilly pulled out a valid West Virginia hunting license.
The game warden looked at the license, then reached over and picked up one of the ducks, sniffed it's butt, and said, "This duck ain't from West Virginia. This is a Kentucky duck. You got a Kentucky hunting license, boy?" The hillbilly reached into his wallet and produced a Kentucky hunting license.
The game warden looked at it, then reached over and grabbed the second duck, sniffed it's butt, and said, "This ain't no Kentucky duck. This duck's from Tennessee. You got an Tennessee licence?" The hillbilly reached into his wallet and produced an Tennessee license. The warden then reached over and picked up the third duck. "This duck's from Virginia. You got a Virginia hunting license?"
Again the hillbilly reached into his wallet and brought out a Virginia hunting license. The game warden was extremely frustrated at this point, and he yelled at the hillbilly, "Just where the hell are you from?"
The hillbilly turned around, bent over, dropped his pants, and said, "You tell me, you're the expert!"
Gramaisc
Forum O. G.
Can you tell me how far it would go on a gallon, roughly?
How much fuel to get to 'Nam?
Glam
Mad Cat Woman
How do you tell the difference between an Australian Police Officer, an English Police Officer, an American Police Officer and a Scottish police officer?
The answer is found below....
Suddenly, an armed man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you and screaming something that sounds like obscenities, raises the knife and lunges at you.
You are carrying your truncheon and are an expert in using it. However, you have only a split second to react before he reaches you. What do you do?
ANSWERS:
English Police Officer:
Firstly, the Officer must consider the man's human rights.
1: Does the man look poor and/or oppressed?
2: Is he newly arrived in this country and does not yet understand the law?
3: Is this really a knife or a ceremonial dagger?
4: Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
5: Am I dressed provocatively?
6: Could I run away?
7: Could I possibly swing my truncheon and knock the knife out of his hand?
8: Should I try and negotiate with him to discuss his wrong-doings?
9: Why am I carrying a truncheon anyway and what kind of message does this send to
society?
10: Does he definitely want to kill me or would he be content just to wound me?
11: If I were to grab his knees and hold on, would he still want to stab and kill me?
12: If I raise my truncheon and he turns and runs away, do I get blamed if he falls
over, knocks his head and kills himself?
13: If I hurt him and lose the subsequent court case, does he have the opportunity
to sue me, cost me my job, my credibility and the loss of my family home?
Australian Police Officer:
BANG!
American Police Officer:
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
'Click'...Reload...
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
Glasgow Police Officer:
"Haw, Jimmie! Drop the wee knifie son; rite noo, unless ye want it stuck up yer arse!"
The answer is found below....
Suddenly, an armed man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you and screaming something that sounds like obscenities, raises the knife and lunges at you.
You are carrying your truncheon and are an expert in using it. However, you have only a split second to react before he reaches you. What do you do?
ANSWERS:
English Police Officer:
Firstly, the Officer must consider the man's human rights.
1: Does the man look poor and/or oppressed?
2: Is he newly arrived in this country and does not yet understand the law?
3: Is this really a knife or a ceremonial dagger?
4: Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
5: Am I dressed provocatively?
6: Could I run away?
7: Could I possibly swing my truncheon and knock the knife out of his hand?
8: Should I try and negotiate with him to discuss his wrong-doings?
9: Why am I carrying a truncheon anyway and what kind of message does this send to
society?
10: Does he definitely want to kill me or would he be content just to wound me?
11: If I were to grab his knees and hold on, would he still want to stab and kill me?
12: If I raise my truncheon and he turns and runs away, do I get blamed if he falls
over, knocks his head and kills himself?
13: If I hurt him and lose the subsequent court case, does he have the opportunity
to sue me, cost me my job, my credibility and the loss of my family home?
Australian Police Officer:
BANG!
American Police Officer:
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
'Click'...Reload...
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
Glasgow Police Officer:
"Haw, Jimmie! Drop the wee knifie son; rite noo, unless ye want it stuck up yer arse!"
Glam
Mad Cat Woman
2 Irishmen were talking one afternoon when pat tells mick ,
"Ya know, I reckon I`m about ready for a holiday. Only this year I`m gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your suggestions as to where to go. Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and my wife got pregnant. Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and she got pregnant again. Last year you suggested Tahiti and she got pregnant again."
Mick asks Pat, "So, what you gonna do this year that`s different?"
Pat says, "This year I`m taking Her with me."
"Ya know, I reckon I`m about ready for a holiday. Only this year I`m gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your suggestions as to where to go. Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and my wife got pregnant. Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and she got pregnant again. Last year you suggested Tahiti and she got pregnant again."
Mick asks Pat, "So, what you gonna do this year that`s different?"
Pat says, "This year I`m taking Her with me."
Glam
Mad Cat Woman
A woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Arizona when her car broke down. An American Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town.
She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!' so loud that it echoed from the surrounding hills and canyon walls.
When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final 'Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!' and rode off.
"What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service-station attendant. "Nothing," the woman answered "I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto the saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off."
"Lady," the attendant said, "Indians don't use saddles
She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!' so loud that it echoed from the surrounding hills and canyon walls.
When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final 'Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!' and rode off.
"What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service-station attendant. "Nothing," the woman answered "I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto the saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off."
"Lady," the attendant said, "Indians don't use saddles
Gramaisc
Forum O. G.
Twit...
