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Discussion in 'General Chat' started by BBC, Oct 3, 2006.
"I'm sorry," said the barman, "we don't serve time travellers."
A time traveller walks into a bar.
I'll give em a joke to moan about ….
Mick walks into Paddy's barn and sees him dancing naked in front of a tractor
Mick says "Oh, no, Paddy, what ya doing?"
Paddy replies "Well, me and Mary haven't been getting on in the bedroom lately & the therapist recommended that I do something sexy to a tractor"
When you take the piss out of a cat …. your card is marked …..
Come on ladies, you can take a joke can't ya ? (Retreats to nuclear hardened bunker with a case of beans and a case of rum.)
A Husband and Wife who worked for the Circus went to an adoption agency.
The social workers there raised doubts about their suitability.??
The couple then produced photos of their 50-foot Motor Home, which was clean and well maintained and equipped with a beautiful Nursery.
The social workers then raised concerns about the education a child would receive while in the couple's care.
"We've arranged for a full-time Tutor to teach the Child all the usual subjects along with French, Mandarin, and Computer Skills".
Then the social workers expressed concern about a Child being raised in a Circus environment.??
"Our Nanny will be a certified expert in paediatric care, welfare, and diet."
The social workers were finally satisfied.
"What age child are you hoping to Adopt..??"
"It doesn't really matter... As long as the child fits in the Cannon."
Met this girl at a party.
She said people called her Vivaldi.
I asked " Is that because you're a brilliant violinist".
She said " No, it's because my name is Viv and I work at Aldi."
"Sarcasm will get you nowhere in life," my boss told me.
"Well, it got me to the 'International Sarcasm' finals in Santiago, Chile in 2009," I informed him.
"Really?" he asked.
"No," I replied.
Whenever I’m up In Lancashire I always try and pop in to see my friend Derek Jones at his place of work.
He works in a garment factory doing a bit of running round for the boss.
I went a year ago and said “I’ve come to see Derek Jones”
“Oh” said the boss, “you’ve missed him, he’s popped out, he’s gone for cotton”
So I tried again a few months later, I called in.
Again the boss said “You’ve missed him again, he’s popped out, he’s gone for cotton”
I called in again and said “I’m here to see Derek Jones... is he here, or has he popped out for cotton again”
“Oh” said the boss” He died a few weeks ago. But see that cemetery over the road? He’s over there”
So I found his gravestone and it said.
Here lies Derek Jones.
Gone but not for cotton.
I laughed … but IT'S GROAN-O-METER TIME :::
Hewie Green lives again
Used to make me giggle when he used to refer to his clapometer.
A lot of people have had the clapometer … but penicillin is a marvellous thing.
And I speak out of direct experience: ….
The Beast of Littleworth.
The Blue Pig. Haunts the Rec. Tis a creature of fearsome reputation that mauls those foolish enough to walk across the Rec on their way home from the pub.
Maybe it wasn't a big rock after all ….
This is one of those cartoons that makes me laugh every time I see it. It's just so daft it's hilarious for me …
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Everyone can roast beef..........