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Discussion in 'General Chat' started by BBC, Oct 3, 2006.
I'd tell you a joke about herbs & fish, but this isn't the thyme or plaice....
"We're gonna need a bigger cup !! "
Boris Johnson and Dominic Cummings are on a plane, Boris looked at Cummings, chuckled and said, "You know, I could throw a £1,000 note out of the window right now and make somebody happy."
Cummings shrugged his shoulders and replied, "I could throw ten £100 notes out of the window and make ten people happy"
Hearing… their exchange, the pilot said to his co-pilot: "Such big-shots, I could throw both of them out of the window and make 30 million people ecstatic!"
I suppose I shouldn't really laugh at this ... but it's hard not to !!
I was visiting the cemetery the other day, paying my respects to an old departed friend. While I was at his graveside, I saw four guys walk by carrying a coffin by a handle at each corner. After about ten minutes they came back my way, still carrying the coffin and they turned along a different pathway from their first journey. Over the next forty minutes, they reappeared several times, scratching their heads, and making off in a separate direction each time.
I realised after a while they had totally lost the plot.
I once stayed up all night wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
An Irishman was drinking in a bar in London when he gets a call on his cell phone.
He orders drinks for everybody in the bar as he announces his wife has just produced a typical Irish baby boy weighing 25 pounds.
Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the man just shrugs,
"That's about average up our way, folks...like I said - my boy's a typical County Clare baby boy.."
Two weeks later the man returns to the bar.. The bartender says,
"Say, you're the father of that typical Irish baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth, aren't you?
Everybody's been making' bets about how big he'd be in two weeks.... so how much does he weigh now?"
The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds."
The bartender is puzzled and concerned. "What happened?" "He was 25 pounds the day he was born."
The father takes a slow swig of his Jameson Irish Whisky, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says,
"Had him circumcised."
A burglar broke into the house. I put the red dot from the laser sight on his chest.
The cat did the rest.
A man went to the police station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.
"You'll get your chance in court," said the desk sergeant.
"No, no, no!" insisted the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"
An old lady handed her bank card to a bank teller and said, “I would like to withdraw £10
The teller told her, “For withdrawals less than £100 please use the ATM.”
The old lady wanted to know why ...
The teller returned her bank card and irritably told her, “These are the rules. Please leave if there is no other matter. There is a queue behind you.”
The old lady remained silent for a few seconds, then handed the card back to the teller and said, “Please help me withdraw all the money I have.”
The teller was astonished when she checked the account balance. She nodded her head, leaned down and respectfully told her, you have £30,000 in your account and the bank doesn't have that much cash currently. Could you make an appointment and come again tomorrow?
The old lady then asked how much she could withdraw immediately.
The teller told her any amount up to £3000
"Well, please let me have £3000 now", she The teller then handed it very friendly and respectfully to her
The old lady put £10 in her bag and asked the teller to deposit £2990 back into her account.
the moral of this tale .......
Don't be difficult with old people, they spent a lifetime learning the skills.
A friend of mine had a dog called Sid.
"Bloody dog, whenever I tell him to sit, he just ignores me and comes straight over here!"
"Perhaps you need to speak to him a little more clearly..?"
They might not consider it a joke but Aspen Medical Centre, a NHS primary care centre in Gloucester, has been having problems ever since they switched telephone line service providers. When they call people it now shows up on caller id as "Liaisons Sauna Club", which is actually an "adult-oriented sauna in Rochdale. Staff at the clinic have noticed a couple of things now happening, many calls to patients are going unanswered and several of the GPs were wondering why some patients sounded so disappointed when they returned their calls.
A small church had a very attractive big-busted organist named Susan, and her breasts were so large that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ.
Unfortunately, she distracted the men in the congregation considerably. The very proper church ladies were appalled.
They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist.
So one of the ladies approached Susan very discreetly about the problem, & told her to mash up some green persimmons & rub them on her nipples and all over her breasts, which should cause them to shrink in size, but warned her not to taste any of the green persimmons, because they are so sour they will make your mouth pucker up & you won't be able to talk properly for a while.
The voluptuous organist reluctantly agreed to try it.
The following Sunday morning, the minister walked up to the pulpit and said,
“Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol, we will not hab a thermon tewday.
Not sure how many will get this joke. You have to remember back quite a few decades ...