Give us a joke... go on it might be funny :)

Studio Tan

Well-Known Forumite
Finally, Sue Gray's report is released :
 

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Mudgie

Well-Known Forumite
An old friend of mine all the way from school days put this cartoon up on Facebook. She used to keep the New Victoria pub in Browning Street (saying that in case @Mudgie is lurking about somewhere.) I worked in the potteries for a while with BT and I had to laugh. (Hopefully not upsetting the Meir Mafia Cartel.)

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I remember Terry Ball and Christine Hall keeping the New Victoria but used it more as the old Victoria during Reg Ainsworth's time.
 

BobClay

Well-Known Forumite
Yes Christine is the one. She had a parrot in the pub that was utterly foul mouthed and it even made the National Press because it used to upset visiting darts teams by telling them to **** Off. (I can't begin to think where it learned such words ....:|)
 

Jonah

Spouting nonsense since the day I learned to talk
When I watched a film and someone started swimming underwater I used to hold my breath to see if what they were trying to do was actually possible.

Don’t do it now though. Had to stop after I nearly died when I watched Finding Nemo.

🐟🐡🐠
 

Glam

Mad Cat Woman
Primary School Children Writing About The Sea
😂
😂
😂

1) This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly age 6)
2) Oysters' balls are called pearls. (Jamie age 6)
3) If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island . If you don't have sea all round you, you are incontinent. ( Wayne age 7)
4) Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend no more. (Kylie age 6)
5) A dolphin breaths through an arsehole on the top of its head. (Billy age 7)
6) My dad goes out in his boat, and comes back with crabs. (Emily age 5)
7) When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would be better off eating beans. (William age 7)
8 )I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails. How do mermaids get pregnant? (Helen age 6)
9) I'm not going to write about the sea. My baby brother is always screaming and being sick, my Dad keeps shouting at my Mum, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy age 6)
10) Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves into chargers. (Christopher age 7)
11) When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin age 6)
12) On holiday my Mum went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water shot up her fanny (Julie age 7)
 

Glam

Mad Cat Woman
Two 90 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives.
When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day. One day Mike says, "Joe, we both loved football all our lives, and we played football on Saturdays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's football there."
Joe looks up at Mike from his death bed and says: "Mike, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favour for you."
Shortly after that, Joe passes on.
At midnight a couple of nights later, Mike is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, "Mike... Mike..."
"Who is it?" Asks Mike sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"
"Mike. It's me, Joe..."
"You're not Joe. Joe just died."
"I'm telling you, it's me, Joe." insists the voice.
"Joe! Where are you?"
"In heaven", replies Joe. "I have some really good news and a little bad news."
"'Tell me the good news first," says Mike.
"The good news," Joe says, "is that there's football in heaven. Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. And best of all, we can play football all we want, and we never get tired."
"'That's fantastic," says Mike. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what could possibly be the bad news? "
"You're in the team for Saturday."
 

Glam

Mad Cat Woman
The winner of last night's Euro millions £107 million pound draw, say they plan to put their windfall towards paying their electricity bill.
 

Glam

Mad Cat Woman
This has probably been posted before -

🇬🇧
Just for fun, a wee joke..
😄

Paddy and Mick are two Irish men working at the local sawmill. One day, Mick slips and his arm gets caught and severed by the big bench saw. Paddy quickly puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick to the local hospital. Next day, Paddy goes to the hospital and asks after Mick. The nurse says, "Oh he's out in Rehab exercising."
THIS IS GOOD
Paddy couldn't believe it, but there's Mick out the back exercising his now re-attached arm.
The very next day he's back at work in the saw mill. A couple of days go by, and then Mick slips and severs his leg on another bloody big saw. So Paddy puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick off to Hospital. Next day he calls in to see him and asks the nurse how he is? The nurse replies, "He's out in the Rehab again exercising." And sure enough, there's Mick out there doing some serious work on the treadmill.
And very soon Mick comes back to work. But, as usual, within a couple of days he has another accident and this time severs his head. Wearily Paddy puts the head in a plastic bag and transports it and Mick to hospital.
Next day he goes in and asks the nurse how Mick is. The nurse breaks down and cries and says, "He's dead." Paddy is shocked, but not surprised. "I suppose the saw finally did him in."
"No", says the nurse, "Some dopey sod put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated.
😂
 

BobClay

Well-Known Forumite
Moscow man buys a newspaper, glances at the front page, then throws it away. Next day, same again, and again, and again.
Eventually the newspaper seller snaps: "Why do you do that ?"
"Oh I'm just checking for an obituary,"
replies the man.
"But obituaries aren't even on the front page," says the seller.
"Oh, the one I'm looking for will be."
 

BobClay

Well-Known Forumite
My farming mate owns a meadow that never gets any sun.
He said, “I like to sit there on chilly, frosty mornings and listen to the peaceful sounds of ‘Tubular Bells’………I love my cold field."
 
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