Give us a joke... go on it might be funny :)

BobClay

Well-Known Forumite
FreddyPurcury.jpg
 

Glam

Mad Cat Woman
Nicked off a friend on Facebook....

Good Advice
My wife found out that our dog (a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian. The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell Andrea that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.

Andrea went to the store and bought some "Nair" hair remover.
At the register, the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."
Andrea said, "I'm not using it under my arms."

The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't use body lotion for a couple of days."
Andrea replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer."

The pharmacist said, "Well, stay off your bicycle for at least a week."
 

Gramaisc

Forum O. G.
I accidentally told myself a joke today, whilst I wasn't really listening to what I was saying.

Looking at a greenhouse up the road, where he has covered it in a dense green netting, in an effort to combat the very sharp wind-chill available here today, I heard myself saying "Yeah, that's a good idea - I have a large camouflage net, but I haven't been able to find it for the last couple of years"

Oh, how we laughed...
 

Studio Tan

Well-Known Forumite
Mentioned on Radio 4’s ‘The Now Show’ recently : After the England womens football team’s incredible 20 - nil defeat of Latvia, the chap working the scoreboard had to be stretchered off with RSI (Repetitive Strain Injury)
 

BobClay

Well-Known Forumite
They were just about to draw down on each other at the Sad Hill Cemetery when somebody up on the hill shouted: "Coffee break !!"
... well you have to get your priorities right ... 😁

TGTBATU.jpg
 

BobClay

Well-Known Forumite
I've always liked daft cartoons. (Some may remember 'The Perishers' in the Daily Mirror some years back, I think that's where I got it from.) This is typical of a 'daft' joke that makes me laugh ... (even on a dark, grey, dank, cloud on the deck day like today.)
Mice.jpg
 

BobClay

Well-Known Forumite
An old friend of mine all the way from school days put this cartoon up on Facebook. She used to keep the New Victoria pub in Browning Street (saying that in case @Mudgie is lurking about somewhere.) I worked in the potteries for a while with BT and I had to laugh. (Hopefully not upsetting the Meir Mafia Cartel.)

stoke.jpg
 

BobClay

Well-Known Forumite
Not that I write many cheques these days ... (who does ?) I still remember having to scrub a few when the New Year rolled over, which is why I found this funny.

BC.jpg
 

BobClay

Well-Known Forumite
A guy walks into a bar and notices three pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling. He asks the bartender why they are there.

The bartender replies: "If you can jump up and slap the meat you get free drinks for the rest of the night. If you miss, you have to pay for everyone's drinks for the next hour. Would you like to give it a try ?"

The guy replies: "Nah ... the steaks are too high."

(Gets coat and puts bacofoil hat on.)
 

Glam

Mad Cat Woman
I have probably posted this before, roughly 9 year ago but :-

A guy goes into the confessional box after years being away from the Church.
He pulls aside the curtain, enters and sits himself down.
There's a fully equipped bar with crystal glasses, the best vestry wine, Guinness on tap, cigars and liqueur chocolates nearby, and on the wall a fine photographic display of buxom ladies who appear to have mislaid their garments.
He hears a priest come in:
"Father, forgive me for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession and I must admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be".
The priest replies, "Get out, you idiot. You're on my side".
 

Trumpet

Well-Known Forumite
While we're in a religious vein:

So, having been involved in a serious minibus accident half a dozen nuns rock up at the gates to Heaven where they are met by St Peter. “Welcome sisters” says St Peter “In a moment I’ll open the pearly gates but before I let you in I must ask you all one simple question”

“Have you ever touched a penis” asked St Peter. The first nun says “there was this one time when I touched one with the tip of my little pinky finger” “No problem” says St Peter, “Approach the font and wash your finger in the holy water”.

He asks the next nun the same question to which she replies “well I did hold one in my hand once” “No problem sister, approach the font and wash your hand in the holy water”

At this point there is a disturbance at the back of the line and one of the nuns is pushing her way to the front.

“Sisters, sisters” says St Peter, “There’s no rush, we have room for you all”. The nun replies “I’m sure there is, but if I’ve got to gargle the holy water I want to get there before sister Mary washes her arse in it”
 
Top