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Give us a joke... go on it might be funny :)

Discussion in 'General Chat' started by BBC, Oct 3, 2006.

  1. Carole

    Carole Well-Known Forumite

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    A suspected Covid-19 male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student female nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.
    "Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"
    Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."
    He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"
    Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and
    pulls back the covers.
    She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other.
    She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."
    The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly,
    "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very,
    very, closely:
    "Are - my - test - results - back?"
     
  2. BobClay

    BobClay Well-Known Forumite

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    Any you think you've got problems: .....

    arms.jpg
     
  3. BobClay

    BobClay Well-Known Forumite

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    It's a funny old world ..... :eek:

    Alky.jpg
     
    littleme likes this.
  4. Trumpet

    Trumpet Well-Known Forumite

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    Just had a run out to Sainsbugs, saw a chap buying a sombrero, some frozen paella and a bottle of tequila. Thought to myself Hispanic buying.
     
    Jackel, BobClay, Thehooperman and 5 others like this.
  5. Glam

    Glam Mad Cat Woman

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    Quite a long one, and i've tried to edit the swearing, apologies if I missed owt.

    So it's day 9 of this social distancing thing, I think it's day 9, I'm not entirely sure, it could be fkng Thursday the 30th of fkng never for all I know

    What I do know is I didn't put the clock in the lounge forward an hour so I've been living in the past all fkng day. On the flip side of that it was an hour less I had to endure with every fkng bastard in this house.

    At the start of this semi lock down him indoors occupied himself with jobs around the house he'd been threatening to do since we moved in 15 months ago so I didn't see much of him, now he's ran out of masonry paint and enthusiasm he's wondering around pissing me off.

    He's 46, 47 in July, we're meant to be going to amsterdam. The way things are going we'll be lucky to go out in the back garden.

    He calls me this morning, I ignore him. I've been shut down with him for over a week and the sound of his fkng voice gives me a forest Whitaker eye.

    I ignore him for as long as I can, which isn't very long considering we're confined to these four fkng walls

    Me: WHAT FOR feck SAKE??!!!!

    Him: I saw on Facebook how to make a face mask from things laying around the house. Look

    Me: *groans and turns around* he's farking stood there with a pair of his green boxers turned into a balaclava like an obese raphael.

    Me:

    Him: I can wear this when I go out

    Me: go out? You've not been further than the shed for 9 fkng days, I'm the one that risks my life going to get the bread. Bone idle feck

    Him: do you want it then?

    I ignore the prick and walk back into the kitchen for something else to fkng eat. I need to try social distancing from the fkng cupboards, I swear to god I heard the cupboard say " what the fk do you want now you massive fat twat" when I stuck my head in looking for another time out wafer. Probably a good thing that I can't go anywhere because fk all fits me and I can't bend over without nearly passing out. I'm going to have to walk sideways through my doors if this carries on

    Him indoors suggested a weight bench and may be jogging, I suggested he best fk off as I'm sent out for a fkng French stick to fill with sausages and bacon for him in the fkng dark and I swear I heard the purge alarm.

    I come back with a French stick another 4 pints of fkng milk and 6 eggs, eggs are more expensive than gold and my local shop sold me 6 loose ones and didn't give me a bag, I had to put them on the passenger seat and drive slowly as I could all the way home.

    I get back and go and tell him indoors I need him to come and get the French stick.

    He rolled his eyes

    He rolled his fkng eyes at me

    There was an exchange of foul language and me telling him exactly what he can do with this French fkng stick

    The was another barrage of foul language and I smashed him over the head with the French stick

    It snapped in half

    He picked up the other end and hit me with it

    BASTARD

    We're out in the dark like an overweight punch and Judy, jousting with bread

    I still wasn't speaking to him this morning

    I'm just sat on the sofa minding my own business whilst he's in the bath, he's not in there long enough and I can hear him coming back down

    I put back on my resting bitch face

    He comes bursting onto the lounge

    Naked

    A piece of what looks like one of my towels tied around his head and starts river dancing on the rug like stavros flatley

    I'm glaring at him whilst he's doing the truffle shuffle

    He steps on the cat!!

    It's fkng chaos

    He's still on the cat

    I heard the air leave it like a deflating balloon

    He's stepped back onto a paw patrol pick up truck and a spider man a little

    He's falling

    He's 22 stone

    It's like a felled tree

    The cats wrapped around his ankle

    Hissing with what breath it has left

    Fk me

    Fk!! The cat

    He's hit the fkng deck

    The fkng whole house shook

    It would have measure 6.9 on the Richter scale

    I've scooped the cat up and checked it over

    He's laid on the rug like a wounded goliath

    Him: my arm!! My fkng elbow!! You're gonna have to help me up!!

    Me: help you up? Are you mad? I'll have to keep you warm til the fire brigade get here. Just get up you wanker. Heave yourself up with your good arm.

    Him: I think I've broken my arm

    Me: wrap ya pants around your head and go to minor injuries then.

    He didn't bother going. Probably come out with something worse than a sprained elbow anyway.

    Like a little beacon of hope Gillian messages me to say she's made some cup cakes using a new recipe, chocolate sponge injected with caramel.

    My fat chubby mouth is watering at the thought so I tell her I'll be five minutes and to leave them in the porch

    I pick up the tray and walk back. I actually take a bite out of one because I'm greedy as fk

    I walk up my drive

    The wind blows and blows each on onto the fkng stones

    They're covered in stones, ash and debris

    I'm on my knees trying to save them, save one at least

    I'm devastated

    The fkng crows are circling like they know a fat fk has dropped cake

    I think about shooing them but remember when my daughter told me about crows that remember when people have been mean to them.

    Apparently an experiment was carried out once when a man was mean to a crow and when ever he went out the crowd would chase him to try and peck him and got their mates to join in, one day he wore a mask, they didn't recognise him so left him alone. The day he took his mask off, there they were ready to pounce.

    She clearly had too much time on her hands

    Fk it. I'm locked down for how ever long and the last thing I want are crows crapping all over my clean drying sheets or packing out my fkng eyes they can have the fkng cake.

    I go back into the prison, I mean my house to be greeted by the strongest smell of crap and utter carnage

    Me: what the fk?!

    Them: the toddler told us he needed to poop and because you weren't here for 30 seconds he wouldn't let us put him on the toilet

    Me: so what's happened?

    Them: points at toddler

    His jogging bottoms are like bloomers and every time he walks a turd falls out.

    This is my first week of quarantine

    I'm a fat fkng wreck

    Never give birth to anything
     
  6. age'd parent

    age'd parent 50,000th poster!

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    This made me laugh out loud, best bit of writing I've read for ages, I hope to god it's not true tho'
     
    Glam likes this.
  7. BobClay

    BobClay Well-Known Forumite

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    I've always considered myself a science orientated sort of fellah, not really impressed by mumbo jumbo like astrology. But after seeing this, I'm thinking there might be something in it .... :teef:

    horoscopes.jpg
     
  8. c0tt0nt0p

    c0tt0nt0p Well-Known Forumite

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  9. Mikinton

    Mikinton Well-Known Forumite

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    The hoop-and-stick joke ...

    Hoop and Stick joke.JPG
     
    Carole likes this.
  10. BobClay

    BobClay Well-Known Forumite

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    A lady I know in the village posted this and I definitely fell for it .. :rolleyes: ... you might not get it if you don't use Facebook. :haw:

    WTF is wrong with people?
    So I went to Morrison’s yesterday for some needed bits'n'bobs food wise. Whilst I’m standing looking in the freezer section this absolute balloon comes up behind me and starts TAPPING on my shoulder. I obviously tried to ignore him (my blood was boiling though). The fool just keeps tapping and tapping and then...
    THIS is where it gets interesting!!
    So the idiot kept tapping .... See More
     
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  11. BobClay

    BobClay Well-Known Forumite

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    THE IRISH ANGLER

    The rain was pouring down. And there standing in front of a big puddle
    outside the pub, was an old Irishman, drenched, holding a stick with a
    piece of string dangling in the water.

    A passer-by stopped and asked, "What are you doing?"

    "Fishing" replied the old man....

    Feeling sorry for the old man, the gent said, "Come in out of the rain
    and have a drink with me.
    "

    In the warmth of the pub, as they sip their whiskeys, the gentleman
    cannot resist asking, "So how many have you caught today?"

    "You're the eighth" said the old man.
     
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  12. Glam

    Glam Mad Cat Woman

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    Memory Man
    An Englishman was touring the USA on holiday and stopped in a remote bar in the mountains of Nevada. He was chatting to the bartender when he spied an old Native American sitting in the corner. “Who’s he?” asked the man.
    “That’s the Memory Man.” said the bartender. “He knows everything. He can remember any fact. Go and try him out.” So the man goes over, and thinking he won’t know about English football, asks “Who won the 1965 FA Cup Final?”
    “Liverpool,” replies the Memory Man.
    “Who did they beat?”
    “Leeds,” was the reply.
    “And the score?”
    “2-1.”
    “Who scored the winning goal?”
    “Ian St. John,” was the old man’s reply.

    The tourist was bowled over by this and told everyone back home in England about the Memory Man when he returned.
    A few years later he went back to the USA and tried to find the impressive Memory Man. Eventually he found the bar and sitting in the same seat was the same person only this time he was older and more wrinkled.
    Because he was so impressed, man decided to greet the Native American. He approached him with the greeting “How”.
    The Memory Man replied, “Diving header in the six yard box.”
     
    Last edited: Apr 10, 2020
  13. Boatbuilder

    Boatbuilder Well-Known Forumite

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    Loved that @Glam, really tickled me, I needed that :dance: x
     
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  14. BobClay

    BobClay Well-Known Forumite

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  15. BobClay

    BobClay Well-Known Forumite

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    But at least they mean well Joe ….. :lol:

    Albinobear.jpg
     
  16. BobClay

    BobClay Well-Known Forumite

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    Good on yer Wilson. :buddy:

    SheepDog.jpg
     
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  17. Carole

    Carole Well-Known Forumite

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    Just saw a man walk past my house carrying an 8 foot book.

    I said ‘why are you carrying an eight foot book”

    “Oh” he said “well, it’s a long story”
     
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  18. BobClay

    BobClay Well-Known Forumite

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    CYCLOPS: "How do you spell Hawaii ?"
    WIFE (biting lip) : "Well I think you need 2 i's."
    CYCLOPS (putting pen down) : "My life is just a joke to you isn't it Linda ?"

     
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  19. Carole

    Carole Well-Known Forumite

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    In praise of Women Who Read

    One morning a husband returns to the cabin after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap .
    Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out, since it is such a beautiful day.
    She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.
    Along comes a Game Warden in his boat.

    He pulls up alongside the woman and says, " Good morning, Ma'am, what are you doing?"
    "Reading a book," she replies , (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?")

    " You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her.

    " I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading."

    " Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to write you up a ticket and you'll have to pay a fine."
    "For reading a book,?" she replies.
    " You're in a Restricted Fishing Area ," he informs her again ."
    "But officer, I'm not fishing, I'm reading."
    " Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to write you up a ticket and you'll have to pay a fine."
    " If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman."

    "But I haven't even touched you," says the Game Warden .

    " That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."

    "Have a nice day ma'am," and he immediately departed.

    MORAL:

    Never argue with a woman who reads.

    It's likely she can also think.

    Sure God created man before woman.

    But then you always make a rough draft before the final masterpiece.
     
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  20. BobClay

    BobClay Well-Known Forumite

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    I think the Americans call it 'collateral damage.' :eek:

    quarantine2.jpg
     
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