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Give us a joke... go on it might be funny :)

Discussion in 'General Chat' started by BBC, Oct 3, 2006.

  1. Gramaisc

    Gramaisc Forum O. G.

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    My favourite "mishearings" -

    Who played Tommy DeVito in Goodfellas? ----- Joe Pasquale...

    Who was the lead singer with the Commodores? ---- Jimmy Somerville....


    Both of those would be worth seeing.


    In what country was Christian Bale born? - Well, I would have got that right, because I remember Tottenham selling him to somewhere in Spain and he definitely played for Wales.

    Other people, who knew that he had also played in some Batman film, decided that he obviously wasn't Welsh...
     
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  2. BobClay

    BobClay Well-Known Forumite

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    You might knock the 21st Century telecommunications revolution (like … there's anything new about revolutions in telecommunications... :eek: ) .. but you can't deny it has its uses ….. :P

    The Dogs.jpg
     
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  3. Mikinton

    Mikinton Well-Known Forumite

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    Reminds me of when the missus was tucked upstairs in bed with a cold, but not too ill to message me on Facebook for a cup of tea.
     
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  4. BobClay

    BobClay Well-Known Forumite

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    Think how hard that would have been on a Morse key ………….. :buddy:
     
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  5. Mikinton

    Mikinton Well-Known Forumite

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  6. BobClay

    BobClay Well-Known Forumite

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    Bloody aliens coming down here and writing graffiti on things …. why don't they get back up their own end of the spiral arm … :o

    EarthBoring.jpg
     
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  7. Gramaisc

    Gramaisc Forum O. G.

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    Worse than "Mostly harmless"?


    This used to appear in Yellow Pages - until the ICE complained about it and got it removed.

    [​IMG]
     
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  8. Mikinton

    Mikinton Well-Known Forumite

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    Must be a day for Stalin / Russia jokes on Twitter ....

    Stalin's girlfriend calls him up one evening, asking him to come round.
    "I can't," he replies, "I am too busy sending people to the gulag."
    "But," she says, "my parents aren't home."
    "Yeah, I know," he replies.


    And this is even better.



    ETA .... which reminds me of this joke ....

    A man returns home after several years away fighting in Europe, and he's going through his wardrobe trying on his old clothes to see if they still fit. On trying on one pair of trousers, he finds a ticket in the pocket for a pair of shoes he'd taken to the shoe-repairers just before going off to war. So next time he passes, he calls in to collect the shoes.
    Anyway, the shoe-repairer takes a look at the ticket, turns it over a few times to make sure it's one of his and heads off into the back room, returning a few minutes later with the guy's shoes. "Yup" he says "..... they'll be ready Thursday."
     
    Last edited: Feb 17, 2020
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  9. BobClay

    BobClay Well-Known Forumite

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    I tested my new Mk VI super-strengthened heavily armoured groan-o-meter on this joke.

    RIP groan-o-meter :(

    Hooktest.jpg
     
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  10. BobClay

    BobClay Well-Known Forumite

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    Black Country humour: ... :buddy:

    Dudley2.jpg
     
  11. BobClay

    BobClay Well-Known Forumite

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    A lady I know in the US who is just recovering from a stroke put this up .... she's clearly still got her sense of humour:

    Typo.jpg
     
  12. BobClay

    BobClay Well-Known Forumite

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    I'll be the first to admit ... this is bad .... :yay:

    There was a man who loved tractors so much, literally, he was obsessed with them. This guy dreamed and lived for them !!
    Then one day he fell off his tractor and broke his leg. After that he never went on a tractor again.
    A few years later he came home from the pub with a couple of friends only to find his house was filled with smoke. He took in a massive breath and then blew all the smoke out of his house. One of his mates asked him how he could possibly do that and he replied: "I'm an ex tractor fan."

    (I'll get my coat.) :heyhey:
     
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  13. Glam

    Glam Mad Cat Woman

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    I don't know if this can be classed as a joke, I laughed......

    [​IMG]
    Sweary me plus 3 and the big one
    A week or so ago him indoors woke up with some sort of growth on his stomach

    It looked a bit iffy so because I'm medically trained by the good doctor holby city... and chicago med I suggested some savlon cream and also suggested that he could probably do with a wax because when he's stood in front of me butt naked with steam coming off him fresh out the shower he resembled gorillas in the mist

    The next morning I get up, in instalments, because the bastard isn't where he should be and this farking rheumatoid arthritis is a wanker first thing in the morning

    I drag myself down stairs and there he is

    Pacing all sweaty and sickly looking around the kitchen

    Me: loves up with you?

    Him: *holds up stomach* I'm in farking agony, been walking around all night. Have a look at this will ya

    Him: thrusts stomach at me

    Me: oh

    Him: WHAT?? WHAT THE feck IS IT

    Me: I don't think the savlon worked

    Him:

    Me: I'll ring the doctors when they open

    Trying to get a doctor's appointment during a farking pandemic is like trying to get shit out of a rocking horse

    Receptionist: is it an actual emergency?

    Me: well yes actually! There's a lump the size of a farking melon sticking out of his stomach with a massive red ring around it

    Them: what kind of melon?

    Me: farking hell, a cantaloupe

    Him indoors: OH MY farking GOD

    me: can you hang on a sec please, 2 secs, What you yelling for??

    Him: what's a farking cantaloupe? Am I going to die?

    Me: feck, no, I don't know, you will if you dont piss off, yes sorry I'm still here, 9.35? Perfect thank you

    I'm thinking at best it'll be anti biotics and a week of him laid on the sofa like some sort of Lord, I'd say surrounded by food crumbs and wrappers but my town are full of farking cretins that have bought everything so he'll lay there and starve

    The doctor takes one look at this growth and decides he must immediately go to the surgical assessment unit, it's 30cm round.

    Me: yes!! I know it was a cantaloupe and not a honey dew, honey dews are longer like rugby balls, these are rounder and more compact

    Doc:

    Me: ooops sorry, carry on, don't mind me

    Also me: makes a mental note to revert back to being socially distant instead of awkward

    We get him over to the hospital, it's not a quick process so I leave him to go and relieve Gillian of the kids at about 5.

    He messages me at 6 to say he's going down to surgery as it's an infected abcess and needs to be drained.

    He's kept in that night and I go over to collect him from recovery the next morning.

    That isn't a short process either!!! Can't get you on then can't get you out!!

    He needs a piss

    They need a sample so he has to piss in a cardboard bottle

    I pull the curtains round and pull his pants round his ankles and he's stood their starkers

    I get on my knees trying to fit his poor shrivelled old chap, lazy from the anaesthetic in to this farking bottle

    I'm slapping it a bit

    He Taps me on the shoulder

    I look up

    He's pointing at the window

    Me: what?

    Him: man!!

    I turn around and there's a man at the window in a hard hat

    We're on the 5th floor

    What is he farking Spider-Man??

    I wave, he waves and Spider-Man waves back so i get up and close the blinds

    Him indoors is bollock naked with his cock in a cardboard tube.

    The nurse comes over and says she needs to change his dressing

    I'm there, all holbycity like watching

    She pulls the big sticky pad off

    And with it comes yards and yards of farking packing blood and green stuff

    I can feel the colour draining from my face

    I take a step back

    The next Thing I know is I've woken up on the floor entangled in a cubicle curtain with a massive lump on my head

    Maybe the medical profession isn't for me after all, but in my defence no one mentioned gaping holes you could fit your head it. I thought it would be stitched and pretty

    We're finally able to leave and the nurse instructs me to buy anti bacterial hand soap and hand sanitiser in case I need to clean it.

    I deposit him home into Gillians care and head off to the chemist, then to home bargains, the range, Morrisons, asda b and m and farking Tesco in the hunt for hand gel, it would have been better if she asked me to buy tartan paint. These young men have stripped the shelves bare and all I could get was glittery unicorn hand wash, that will keep mrsa away I'm sure.

    I'm farking here there and everywhere, making soup making farking sandwiches fluffing up pillows, wafting quilts, feeding the kids and the farking cat, it's farking chaos and I realise I haven't given him his anti biotic.

    feck

    Here take this

    I go into the kitchen take all my pills including the sleeping pills I take

    I was gone not 3 minutes

    I've come back in and he's slumped over the unit

    loves up with you??

    Him: points to throat

    Me: ummm give me another clue

    Him: points faster as his whole body goes red and blotchy

    feck!!

    I pick up the phone and call Gillian, you got any antihistamine? Yeah ok I'll be over, yeah I think his tongues swelling up

    I'm at Gillians in 2 seconds

    Her: you coming in for a cuppa?

    Me: no mother has over there with his tongue swelling up

    Her: oh!! I'll come over

    Her: feck me char you better ring someone has gone a funny colour

    We're both looking at him and scratching our heads, my pills are kicking in and I'm desperate for a shit

    I phone an ambulance and they come do their obs and whisk him off alone

    Gillian can't drive and I'm out my head on amitriptyline

    We snigger a bit trying to figure out who's fault it is

    So the next day I go over to retrieve him, has on a different ward after being diagnosed with a penicillin allergy

    One that has an overwhelming stench of shit and someone screaming at the top of their lungs " I'm ill I'm ill. Get out get out. On a loop for the whole 6 hours I was there. Like something from one flew over the cuckoo's nest

    We decided to stretch his legs

    We walk back to the ward

    There's a man with clear mental health issues being restrained by a lovely health care assistant a nurse and the security man

    Just as we walk past he breaks free and launches a cleaning sign at my head

    Bastard

    It missed me by a gnats dick

    We finally get home again

    I'm ran ragged

    I'm farking knackered

    I literally haven't stopped

    I've cooked four different meals

    I've tidied up

    I've just sat my arse on the sofa to eat my chilli for the first time in 3 days

    The cat wakes up with the farking hump and bites the toddler

    I shoo it away with sounds which doesn't work

    I don't have anything to hand to throw at it so I shoo it with my foot, pretend kicking

    I kicked a little harder

    My slipper came off

    Flew up in the air and landed on my farking dinner

    Look at those splat marks

    farking wankers

    Now they've shut the school tomorrow due to lack of staff

    I'm going to self isolate in the car until Christmas
     
  14. BobClay

    BobClay Well-Known Forumite

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    After reading that I feel much better, my problems seem miniscule compared to that.

    I laughed. (Wait a minute, what's that bright flash on the western horizon ? ... OH SHIT !!!)

    :buddy:

    (Fortunately it was just a queer sunset ... but for a minute there I was thinking: "I'm gonna need a bigger toilet roll.")

    Nuke.jpg
     
  15. Mikinton

    Mikinton Well-Known Forumite

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    Q: What does Batman’s Mum say when his dinner’s ready?

    A: "Bruce, I promise your soup hasn’t got any bats in it."
     
  16. basil

    basil don't mention the blinds

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    Basil ; " Doctor I'm addicted to Twitter "

    Doctor ; I'm not following you " ......
     
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  17. Carole

    Carole Well-Known Forumite

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    Heard a Dr. on TV saying in this time of Coronavirus staying at home we should focus on inner peace. To achieve this we should always finish things we start and we all could use more calm in our lives. I looked through my house to find things i'd started and hadn't finished, so I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, tha mainder of Valiumun srciptuns, an a box a chocletz. Yu haf no idr how freakin fablus I feel rite now. Sned this to all who need inner piss. An telum u luvum. And two hash yer wands, stafe day avrybobby!!! ❣️
     
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  18. Thehooperman

    Thehooperman Well-Known Forumite

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    @Carole, why is this so surprisingly similar to your late night posts? :)
     
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  19. Carole

    Carole Well-Known Forumite

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    It's very different!
    Even my late night posts still have correct spelling :D
     
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  20. Glam

    Glam Mad Cat Woman

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    Two prawns were swimming around in the sea.
    One called Justin and the other called Kristian.
    The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area.
    Finally one day Justin said to Kristian, 'I'm fed up with being a prawn;
    I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten.'
    A large mysterious cod appeared and said, 'Your wish is granted'
    Lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark.
    Horrified, Kristian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.
    Time passed (as it does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely
    All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them.
    Justin didn't realise that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.
    While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn..
    He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn.
    With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam to Kristian's home.
    As he opened the coral gate, memories came flooding back.
    He banged on the door and shouted, 'It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again.'
    Kristian replied, 'No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy, and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner.'
    Justin cried back 'No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed.'........
    'I've found Cod. I'm a Prawn again Kristian!!
     

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