I don't know if this can be classed as a joke, I laughed......
Sweary me plus 3 and the big one
A week or so ago him indoors woke up with some sort of growth on his stomach
It looked a bit iffy so because I'm medically trained by the good doctor holby city... and chicago med I suggested some savlon cream and also suggested that he could probably do with a wax because when he's stood in front of me butt naked with steam coming off him fresh out the shower he resembled gorillas in the mist
The next morning I get up, in instalments, because the bastard isn't where he should be and this farking rheumatoid arthritis is a wanker first thing in the morning
I drag myself down stairs and there he is
Pacing all sweaty and sickly looking around the kitchen
Me: loves up with you?
Him: *holds up stomach* I'm in farking agony, been walking around all night. Have a look at this will ya
Him: thrusts stomach at me
Me: oh
Him: WHAT?? WHAT THE feck IS IT
Me: I don't think the savlon worked
Him:
Me: I'll ring the doctors when they open
Trying to get a doctor's appointment during a farking pandemic is like trying to get shit out of a rocking horse
Receptionist: is it an actual emergency?
Me: well yes actually! There's a lump the size of a farking melon sticking out of his stomach with a massive red ring around it
Them: what kind of melon?
Me: farking hell, a cantaloupe
Him indoors: OH MY farking GOD
me: can you hang on a sec please, 2 secs, What you yelling for??
Him: what's a farking cantaloupe? Am I going to die?
Me: feck, no, I don't know, you will if you dont piss off, yes sorry I'm still here, 9.35? Perfect thank you
I'm thinking at best it'll be anti biotics and a week of him laid on the sofa like some sort of Lord, I'd say surrounded by food crumbs and wrappers but my town are full of farking cretins that have bought everything so he'll lay there and starve
The doctor takes one look at this growth and decides he must immediately go to the surgical assessment unit, it's 30cm round.
Me: yes!! I know it was a cantaloupe and not a honey dew, honey dews are longer like rugby balls, these are rounder and more compact
Doc:
Me: ooops sorry, carry on, don't mind me
Also me: makes a mental note to revert back to being socially distant instead of awkward
We get him over to the hospital, it's not a quick process so I leave him to go and relieve Gillian of the kids at about 5.
He messages me at 6 to say he's going down to surgery as it's an infected abcess and needs to be drained.
He's kept in that night and I go over to collect him from recovery the next morning.
That isn't a short process either!!! Can't get you on then can't get you out!!
He needs a piss
They need a sample so he has to piss in a cardboard bottle
I pull the curtains round and pull his pants round his ankles and he's stood their starkers
I get on my knees trying to fit his poor shrivelled old chap, lazy from the anaesthetic in to this farking bottle
I'm slapping it a bit
He Taps me on the shoulder
I look up
He's pointing at the window
Me: what?
Him: man!!
I turn around and there's a man at the window in a hard hat
We're on the 5th floor
What is he farking Spider-Man??
I wave, he waves and Spider-Man waves back so i get up and close the blinds
Him indoors is bollock naked with his cock in a cardboard tube.
The nurse comes over and says she needs to change his dressing
I'm there, all holbycity like watching
She pulls the big sticky pad off
And with it comes yards and yards of farking packing blood and green stuff
I can feel the colour draining from my face
I take a step back
The next Thing I know is I've woken up on the floor entangled in a cubicle curtain with a massive lump on my head
Maybe the medical profession isn't for me after all, but in my defence no one mentioned gaping holes you could fit your head it. I thought it would be stitched and pretty
We're finally able to leave and the nurse instructs me to buy anti bacterial hand soap and hand sanitiser in case I need to clean it.
I deposit him home into Gillians care and head off to the chemist, then to home bargains, the range, Morrisons, asda b and m and farking Tesco in the hunt for hand gel, it would have been better if she asked me to buy tartan paint. These young men have stripped the shelves bare and all I could get was glittery unicorn hand wash, that will keep mrsa away I'm sure.
I'm farking here there and everywhere, making soup making farking sandwiches fluffing up pillows, wafting quilts, feeding the kids and the farking cat, it's farking chaos and I realise I haven't given him his anti biotic.
feck
Here take this
I go into the kitchen take all my pills including the sleeping pills I take
I was gone not 3 minutes
I've come back in and he's slumped over the unit
loves up with you??
Him: points to throat
Me: ummm give me another clue
Him: points faster as his whole body goes red and blotchy
feck!!
I pick up the phone and call Gillian, you got any antihistamine? Yeah ok I'll be over, yeah I think his tongues swelling up
I'm at Gillians in 2 seconds
Her: you coming in for a cuppa?
Me: no mother has over there with his tongue swelling up
Her: oh!! I'll come over
Her: feck me char you better ring someone has gone a funny colour
We're both looking at him and scratching our heads, my pills are kicking in and I'm desperate for a shit
I phone an ambulance and they come do their obs and whisk him off alone
Gillian can't drive and I'm out my head on amitriptyline
We snigger a bit trying to figure out who's fault it is
So the next day I go over to retrieve him, has on a different ward after being diagnosed with a penicillin allergy
One that has an overwhelming stench of shit and someone screaming at the top of their lungs " I'm ill I'm ill. Get out get out. On a loop for the whole 6 hours I was there. Like something from one flew over the cuckoo's nest
We decided to stretch his legs
We walk back to the ward
There's a man with clear mental health issues being restrained by a lovely health care assistant a nurse and the security man
Just as we walk past he breaks free and launches a cleaning sign at my head
Bastard
It missed me by a gnats dick
We finally get home again
I'm ran ragged
I'm farking knackered
I literally haven't stopped
I've cooked four different meals
I've tidied up
I've just sat my arse on the sofa to eat my chilli for the first time in 3 days
The cat wakes up with the farking hump and bites the toddler
I shoo it away with sounds which doesn't work
I don't have anything to hand to throw at it so I shoo it with my foot, pretend kicking
I kicked a little harder
My slipper came off
Flew up in the air and landed on my farking dinner
Look at those splat marks
farking wankers
Now they've shut the school tomorrow due to lack of staff
I'm going to self isolate in the car until Christmas